IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Aman@92]

With a growing population many people believe that we should focus on producing more GM foods .Discuss advantages and disadvantages?

It is clear that population is explosing day by day .Therefore, some assumes that GM foods should be grown to serve the whole locality. In this essay , I will discuss about both advantages and disadvantages in upcoming paragraphs.

Firstly to talk about advantages, genetically modified foods has improved quality and quantity of a product . This is because, such foods are grown by combining genes of variety of products for a valuable result .
As a result , a farmer is benefitted through earning high income from these foods such as apple and brinjal . Moreover, it will also improve soil productivity by growing different foods for a period of time rather than concentrating only on wheat and rice crops .


Moving towards disadvantages, eating GM foods has ill hazard effects on consumer's health. This is found from reports that eating modified foods are the cause of various food allergies and cancer in the generation because production of foods by adding chemicals has been done to gain more profit that will eventually destroy vitamins and minerals. Furthermore, growth of GM foods has also distrupted other environmental creatures such as plants and animals through distruption of genes .


To conclude, GM foods have both pros and cons but it should be properly investigated that how they cause diseases in human beings .After that only , it is best to use GM foods to serve whole locality and gain profit for producers.

Please review my essay @CA GURPREET SINGH MANN @ marosa @ sara
Thanks

 

[marosa]

Just a reminder for those, who are new here:

In this thread we can give some tips on how to score 7 and above to those stuck at 6.5. Those are mostly people with C1, C2 level, who can write freely in English and simply don’t know what IELTS examiners are looking for (formatting, structure etc.).

For such people this thread already contains enough advices to even score 9. So every time we review a new essay we don’t tell anything new. 99.99% of mistakes in each new essay has already been made and corrected previously. So those with C1 grammar and vocab level are advised to go through this thread and check h0peandfaith’s, cansha’s and my reviews. I’m here to help those, who’re going through what I’ve gone, but don’t expect me or other members to babysit you.

For the rest, unfortunately this thread won’t help you to improve your English.

Some posts to start with:

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485 (!!!)

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-178#post-8550437

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-201#post-8656153

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-204#post-8662659

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-209#post-8736531

 

[lolcocks]

I would like to thank everyone in this thread for reviewing essays and providing guidance.
I would appreciate if one of you guys could review my essay as well.

Question:
The nuclear family is well adapted to move geographically due to its size.
Do you think children benefit in any way from moving?
Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Answer (each new line is a different paragraph):
Yes, I completely agree with the fact that children benefit in multiple ways when moving from one geographical region to another.

First off, let’s talk about the culture adaptability. When children (or anyone for that matter), move from one geographical location to another, they would obviously notice a change in the culture of the people around them. Witnessing this new culture allows the children to see how people live, dress, eat and work in different ways around the globe. Because of this, these children become more accepting and open-minded to new and different ideas in the future.

Another beneficial factor would be socializing. Man is a social animal and therefore needs to socialize for survival. The children who often move have better social skills as they frequently have to communicate with complete strangers to socialize and make new friends.

Along with the aforementioned advantages, moving is not a simple task and needs to be planned well in advance. These children observe and are well involved in their family’s planning; such as purchasing or renting a new house / flat, selecting a country, city or locality and financial planning. These qualities can be beneficial in the future once the child grows up, even more so if he / she is planning to move.

However, there can be certain disadvantages. If a family is moving quite often, it can be exhausting for the child. Losing friends when moving can also put a toll on them. Few children who are introverts can find it difficult to make new friends as socializing is difficult for them, although, this will a small group.

Thus, in conclusion, we can say that moving has its advantages and disadvantages on children, but the advantages outweigh the disadvantages by a substantial margin.

 

[hamdi_90]

Hi Guyz, can you please evaluate my essay? I attempted ielts 2 times and scored 6.5 and 6. Would really appreciate if you could provide your valuable feedback. Thanks

Q. Scientists and technology expert seem to be more valued by modern society than musician and artists. Agree or disagree?

A. It is argued that professionals, which are working in science and technology fields, are given more importance in current times as compared to singers and actors. This essay totally agrees with this statement because they are very complex areas and their work can provide benefits for longer time.

Scientists and computer programmers have to acquire difficult and critical knowledge to work in their industries. These skills are so hard to understand that not every person would be able to acquire them, and as a result, our society admires them more due to the hard work they have put to reach that status. For example, Steve Jobs, who was the founder of the Apple Company, is a role model for millions of people who admire his work for revolutionizing the mobile phone industry.

There are various inventions made by scientists and technology professionals which have provided benefits for various generations. Firstly, the advancement made in the field of medical has made it possible to treat those illnesses which were incurable in the past. Secondly, the introduction of smartphones has completely changed the way we used to use our cell phones. Now, a person can do various types of task on his smartphone for which he had to use several different machines to complete the same task. For example, a recent survey conducted by The Sunday Times reported that 40% of students living in Ontario do not have stopped using calculators because they perform calculations using their smartphone’s calculator.

To conclude, our society gives more respect to skilled people related to computer and medical industries as compared to those working in arts and music industry because their work is much more difficult and their inventions have long term advantages.

 

[Vyn]

Hi all, I am about to sit for the exam in three weeks time. Kindly mark my latest essay. Thank you.

Topic
Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Essay
Nowadays, children prefer online and electronic entertainment rather than to engage in any outdoor activities. Some believe that there are positive effects on children to participate in traditional activities or join any sporting events. In my opinion, I agree that physical activities are beneficial for children, since it develops social interaction, increases language skills, as well as it prevents sickness.

Firstly, engaging in a traditional games and outdoor leisures develop the language skills of the children. Children can improve their communication skills by conversing with others like how to ask for permission to join the game, or invite a peer to play with him. With daily exposure it enhances their ability to express themselves and be an effective speaker. This is not the case in indoor electronic entertainment, since there is limited opportunities to speak with the playmates. It is not as much as engaging and interactive like the outdoor activities offer. Moreover, frequent outdoor activities develop vocabulary skills of children too, since there are a plethora of items a child can encounter in the outside world. Children are exposed to nature and learn about the surroundings through observation or hands-on experience.

Moreover, motor-related activities also develop social skills of children. Some outdoor activities are played in teams. Physical activities such as badminton, soccer, and basketball are few examples to note. The children can learn about teamwork and gain a better understanding of other’s perspectives in life. Making friends and building rapport with others is much easier in person unlike in indoor gaming. There are more opportunities to know other people aside from immediate family. A good example to share is when children join sports. They can form friendship easily when they have the same interest with other children. In addition, children can also learn about their own emotions as well as the emotions of others. It helps to form a stronger and warmer relationship with peers which is not the case in online platforms.

Furthermore, outdoor leisures helps promote a healthy lifestyle. With children exposed to physical activities, it reduces the risk of acquiring medical related conditions later in life. Usage of electronic devices for a long period of time is harmful to the eyes and body. For instance, when playing online games, sitting for an extended period affects the lower back and radiation from the gadgets affects vision. Although playing outdoor games is tiring, it is beneficial for the children to engage with it. Sports are good for the body and mind, since it helps the body to release negative energy. Children can build up their core muscle and strengthen their immune system to avoid medical complications later on.

To recapitulate, children of the current generation prefer electronic entertainment and become highly dependent on it during their free time. It is believed that it is more beneficial for the youngster to engage in physical activities. In my view, I am in favour of the positive benefits of exercising and joining sports for children, since it boost their immune system, it develop their social emotional skills, and ability to communicate effectively to others.

 

[marosa]

Hi all, I am about to sit for the exam in three weeks time. Kindly mark my latest essay. Thank you.

Topic
Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Essay
Nowadays, children prefer online and electronic entertainment rather than to engage in any outdoor activities. Some believe that there are positive effects on it is more advantageous if children to participate in traditional activities including joining or join any sporting events. You should pay more attention to paraphrasing. What you can do is to put down synonyms to the keywords in the question before you start writing the essay. And then you can use those words throughout the essay not to repeat the same words all the time. E.g. children use electronic devices such as computers and smartphones for entertainment purposes. In my opinion, I agree that physical activities are more beneficial for children, since it develops social interaction, increases language communication, language skills has a different meaning skills, as well as it prevents sickness.

Firstly, engaging in a traditional games and outdoor leisures develop the wrong use of article language skills of the children - which children?. Children can improve their communication skills by conversing with others like how to ask for permission to join the game, or invite a peer to play with him this sentence does not have a band 7 language With daily exposure it enhances their ability to express themselves and be an effective speaker. This is not the case in indoor electronic entertainment, since there is limited opportunities to speak with the playmates. It is not as much as engaging and interactive like the outdoor activities offer. No value added Moreover, frequent outdoor activities develop vocabulary skills of children too, since there are a plethora of items a child can encounter in the outside world. You invented this sentence just to use the word “plethora”, examiner knows that. Besides, it’s not realistic, children don’t use complex words or anything, children learn words reading books, going to school rather than during hide and seek. Children are exposed to nature and learn about the surroundings through observation or hands-on experience. Yes and that’s a different main idea, which you could have a BP about, instead of this one. You see, because you didn’t plan your essay before starting to write, you made two huge mistakes:

1. You selected a main idea which you couldn’t support. And instead as you were writing this BP you realized you should’ve written about the environment, so you simply put that new idea that came to your mind at the end. (P.s. you know you shouldn’t put down all the thoughts you have on the given topic, right?)

2. Hope this won’t sound arrogant, but you’re not skillful enough to write such long essays under time pressure, so what happened is that you had to simplify your language not to run out of time. Instead it would be more useful if you had 2 BPs, but every single sentence you wrote was grammatically correct and made sense.

Moreover, motor-related activities also develop social skills of children. Some outdoor activities are played in teams. Physical activities such as badminton, soccer, and basketball are few examples to note. The children can learn about teamwork and gain a better understanding of other’s perspectives in life. Like how? Making friends and building rapport with others is much easier in person unlike in indoor gaming. The examiner got that already from your intro, don’t repeat thesis statements. There are more opportunities to know other people aside from immediate family. No value A good example to share is when children join sports. Not an example, and a really really simple sentence. They can form friendship easily when they have the same interest with other children. In addition, children can also learn about their own emotions as well as the emotions of others. It helps to form a stronger and warmer relationship with peers which is not the case in online platforms. You keep repeating the same idea over and over again. I’ve shown it many times how you should structure your BPs, by asking questions, but the problem is that you didn’t plan the essay that’s why you have this many sentences with no support to the main ideas.

Furthermore, outdoor leisures helps promote a healthy lifestyle. With children exposed to physical activities, it reduces the risk of acquiring medical related conditions later in life. Usage of electronic devices for a long period of time is harmful to the eyes and body. For instance, when playing online games, sitting for an extended period affects the lower back and radiation from the gadgets affects vision. Putting “for example” at the beginning of the sentence doesn’t turn the sentence into an example by magic. Although playing outdoor games is tiring, it is beneficial for the children to engage with it. But why are you talking about getting tired? Sports are good for the body and mind, since it helps the body to release negative energy. Now you’re talking about psychology, again without any support to this idea. Maybe you could state in the main idea that you’ll be talking about both physical and mental health and then give support/examples for both ideas. Children can build up their core muscle and strengthen their immune system to avoid medical complications later on.

To recapitulate, “In conclusion” or “To conclude”, always, simple as that. children of the current generation prefer electronic entertainment and become highly dependent on it during their free time. It is believed that it is more beneficial for the youngster to engage in physical activities go to IeltsLiz to learn about how to write conclusions. In my view, I am in favour of the positive benefits tautology of exercising and joining sports for children, since it boost their immune system, it develop their social emotional skills, and ability to communicate effectively to others.

Hi Vyn,

if you need band 7 and above you’ll have to learn to plan before writing.

 

[Vyn]

Hi Vyn,

if you need band 7 and above you’ll have to learn to plan before writing.

Hi Marosa,
I really appreciate all your honest feedback and detailed suggestions. I am starting to feel nervous as early as now since my exam date is getting nearer.
I know It is a pain reading my essays, I applaud your patience and all effort exerted reviewing my work.

Thank you to all evaluator in this group!

 

[marosa]

Hi Marosa,
I really appreciate all your honest feedback and detailed suggestions. I am starting to feel nervous as early as now since my exam date is getting nearer.
I know It is a pain reading my essays, I applaud your patience and all effort exerted reviewing my work.

Thank you to all evaluator in this group!

Panicking is not going to help. Don’t worry about “wasting” time on planning, since it’s actually going to save you even more time during the writing stage. And there is no need to have 3 bp’s by all means. Pay attention to BP structuring, give the main idea first and then keep elaborating on the main idea by asking yourself questions like why? So what? What else? For example?... etc. Good luck!

 

[MeenuDeepak]

SOME PEOPLE PREFER TO PROVIDE HELP AND SUPPORT DIRECTLY TO THOSE IN A LOCAL COMMUNITY WHO NEED HELP WHILE OTHERS PREFER TO GIVE MONEY TO NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS

DISCUSS BOTH THESE VIEWS AND GIVE OPINION



It is argued that charity should be restricted at local level while others prefer to provide aid to national and international account. While providing financial support to local community which would provide instant relief to them, this essay however believes in providing help to big organization so that numerous people get support through it.



It is opined that monetary help should be given locally so that individuals can avail facilities instantly which would provide relief to their grievances. It is because it is quite easy to relocate needy people at your area for assistance in which local communities can play a fabulous role in providing support to required people .For instance, it is found that local authorities play an important role in mitigating the problems of masses by providing help not only financially but also by providing food to public during earthquake in Gujrat state of India in 2005, despite this I would prefer to give funds in organizations as their package provide relief to majority of people .

Giving relief to nation and foreign organizers always help a lot as their guidance will be shower equally on individuals. It is because organization know properly how to use allocated funds for the upliftment of netizens. In addition, they have equipment through which resources can be generated quickly which would give advantage to community. It is observed that during Corona -19 pandemic, the prime minister of India Narendar Modi urged people to do donations in PM fund Care so that medical facilities can be improved significantly which would help medical staff to tackle the corona menace. Therefore donating funds in big organizations always bring fruitful outcome as It will benefit numerous people.

In conclusion, while providing financial help in local areas will provide relief to local people only ,this essay believes that donation money to national and international organization help in giving relief to large section of people as they have resources which can be used to provide support to masses


Please review my essay @CA GURPREET SINGH MANN @marosa @cansha @Vyn
i have my exams in this month
require some assistance

 

[priyanka.kanawat]

Kindly review and provide scoring for my Task 1 informal essay @marosa @cansha @CA GURPREET SINGH MANN


A friend who lives in another country has invited you to come and stay with him/ her on your next holiday. You are too busy to accept the invitation. Write a letter to your friend. In your letter:

• Thank him/ her for the invitation
• Explain why you cannot come
• As him/ her about other times to visit

Dear Aswati,

I am writing to thank you for inviting me over to Toronto. I really appreciate your kindness but unfortunately, I will not be able to make it as my sister’s wedding is planned in the same month.

Let me explain my situation in more detail. You might recall we have been looking for a suitable match for my older sister who lives with me. I am delighted to share that eventually her wedding was fixed three months back; that too with someone who lives in the next lane! With my parents’ ongoing health issues I will have to take care of all the wedding arrangements along with my uncle.

Could you let me know if we can plan this holiday couple of months later during summer? Thanks to my job at a school I get holidays for two months in summer which can be a great opportunity provided you are also available during that period. Given a choice I would love to escape the harsh summer of India every year.

Please let me know your thoughts.


Priyanka

 

[CA GURPREET SINGH MANN]

Kindly review and provide scoring for my Task 1 informal essay @marosa @cansha @CA GURPREET SINGH MANN


A friend who lives in another country has invited you to come and stay with him/ her on your next holiday. You are too busy to accept the invitation. Write a letter to your friend. In your letter:

• Thank him/ her for the invitation
• Explain why you cannot come
• As him/ her about other times to visit

Dear Aswati,

I am writing to thank you for inviting me over to Toronto. I really appreciate your kindness but unfortunately, I will not be able to make it as my sister’s wedding is planned in the same month.

Let me explain my situation in more detail. You might recall we have been looking for a suitable match for my older sister who lives with me. I am delighted to share that eventually her wedding was fixed three months back; that too with someone who lives in the next lane! With my parents’ ongoing health issues I will have to take care of all the wedding arrangements along with my uncle.

Could you let me know if we can plan this holiday couple of months later during summer? Thanks to my job at a school I get holidays for two months in summer which can be a great opportunity provided you are also available during that period. Given a choice I would love to escape the harsh summer of India every year.

Please let me know your thoughts.


Priyanka

Hi Priyanka

There are couple of things I must tell you.
1. There are no contractions in the letter and these are necessary for the informal tone.
2. There are some errors in punctuation, especially commas.
3. Sentences like could you... And please are more formal. You can write.. It'd be great if we postpone the holiday to the next summer.

What you say?
4. There is no sign off. Say see you soon here etc

5. Each para reflects one main point and that's good for task achievement. I think interlinking of paras is missing.

Write Also. That being said. Moreover. These kinds of words to connect to the previous para( not necessary, but i think will be great)

 

[messi94]

hi this is my first essay here, I was reading this thread from days. Today I thought I should post an essay to see what progress I am making.
So please kindly @CA GURPREET SINGH MANN @cansha @marosa or any other member please review it.

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives.

Which viewpoint do you agree with?

While some people argue that we get to know about new product releases through advertisements, others say it leads us to make unnecessary purchases. I believe commercial makers surely influence us to buy items we do not need by hiring celebrities and associating certain brands to social status.

Firstly, the creators of advertisements join the brand name with certain famous personalities to influence people to buy without any need. When people watch their role models using certain items in commercials, they also feel the urge to buy those products without even thinking whether they need it or not. Despite already having several watches, recently my friend bought an expensive watch because he saw that his favorite sportsperson has been promoting that brand. Later he realized he does not wear that watch anymore and should have used that money elsewhere.

Moreover, to make people do unnecessary shopping, certain brands try to associate their products as a high-status symbol. Thus people after watching commercial thinks that they must have those items to show off their status. Zara, for instance, is a brand known for its name and people pay three to four times extra money without thinking about the use of their purchase so that they can show it to their friends. So such type of advertisements certainly affect buyers’ decision and lead them to buy things which they have no use.

In conclusion, by using certain tactics like collaborating with celebrities and creating extra brand hype, commercials encourage individuals’ buying decisions to make them spend money on items that they do not need.

 

[marosa]

SOME PEOPLE PREFER TO PROVIDE HELP AND SUPPORT DIRECTLY TO THOSE IN A LOCAL COMMUNITY WHO NEED HELP WHILE OTHERS PREFER TO GIVE MONEY TO NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS

DISCUSS BOTH THESE VIEWS AND GIVE OPINION



It is argued that charity should be restricted at local level while others prefer to provide aid to national and international account. While providing financial support to local community which would provide instant relief to them, this essay however believes in providing help to big organization so that numerous people get support through it.



It is opined that monetary help should be given locally so that individuals can avail facilities instantly which would provide relief to their grievances. It is because it is quite easy to relocate needy people at your area for assistance in which local communities can play a fabulous role in providing support to required people .For instance, it is found that local authorities play an important role in mitigating the problems of masses by providing help not only financially but also by providing food to public during earthquake in Gujrat state of India in 2005, despite this I would prefer to give funds in organizations as their package provide relief to majority of people .

Giving relief to nation and foreign organizers always help a lot as their guidance will be shower equally on individuals. It is because organization know properly how to use allocated funds for the upliftment of netizens. In addition, they have equipment through which resources can be generated quickly which would give advantage to community. It is observed that during Corona -19 pandemic, the prime minister of India Narendar Modi urged people to do donations in PM fund Care so that medical facilities can be improved significantly which would help medical staff to tackle the corona menace. Therefore donating funds in big organizations always bring fruitful outcome as It will benefit numerous people.

In conclusion, while providing financial help in local areas will provide relief to local people only ,this essay believes that donation money to national and international organization help in giving relief to large section of people as they have resources which can be used to provide support to masses


Please review my essay @CA GURPREET SINGH MANN @marosa @cansha @Vyn
i have my exams in this month
require some assistance

Hi, I don’t have time at all to review all the essays. But since there are few of you who wrote on this topic, please see my review on this same topic for another essay. Hope it helps.

——————
SOME PEOPLE PREFER TO PROVIDE HELP AND SUPPORT DIRECTLY TO THOSE IN A LOCAL COMMUNITY WHO NEED HELP WHILE OTHERS PREFER TO GIVE MONEY TO NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS

DISCUSS BOTH THESE VIEWS AND GIVE OPINION

Members of the public have different ways of supporting underprivileged groups. This sentence is there to paraphrase “some people” only, from the very start you force the examiner think you’re band 6.5, because band 7+ students know that every sentence has to add value to the essay. Your first sentence should look like this - It is considered by some that a direct engagement in community support is more preferable than donating to respective organizations, both locally and globally. Some prefer to directly engage in volunteering activities locally, and others prefer sharing financial support in various organisations. In my opinion, it is because while a direct engagement enables to solve psychological issues within the society, support through organizations is more beneficial (or has more advantages), due to their ability to provide greater financial assistance. supporting groups locally develop greater relationships with people, and giving funds to organisations generates more platforms to help families from social-economic backgrounds. You must include your opinion in the last sentence of the intro if the question says AND give your opinion.

In various local communities, there are increasing numbers of families who need additional support. First sentence should include your main idea 1 - On the one hand, direct input to the community has a major positive impact when it comes to overcoming emotional and psychological crisis (within the society). Second sentence should answer the question “why?” - Due to the fact that most of the issues members of the society have are of psychological and emotional content, it is individuals that can help rather than organizations, would it be local or international. The third sentence should elaborate more on the main idea, either answering to the question “so what?” Or “what does that mean?” Or “why else?” Etc can also be in a form of an example - This type of assistance includes various volunteering projects worldwide, that work locally to improve the mental condition of various vulnerable layers, such as children, elderly, crime victims, those with mental health issues and many more. More often than not, most of them needed physical and emotional support, aside from financial constraints this word has a different meaning. A good example is when a family has elderly, children, and medical conditions. Listing something is not an example and is not a band 7+ sentence, read reviewed essays in the thread and practice based on the reviews, try to project the structure of those essays to different topics. People who share their free time productively through volunteering makes them feel rewarded. What does this have to the with the question? Does the question ask you about how the voluneer feels when doing volunteering? For them helping the family organised the unkempt house, converse with elderly living alone or provide tutorials to children for free since the family lacks the time and funds are remarkable opportunities.
The second BP should be similar to the first one I wrote in green bold.

On the other hand, others prefer sharing funds to various organisations such as the Red Cross and Salvation Army, since both are well-established and known for various platforms in helping the communities all around the globe. Some people have a preference to provide financial support to these organisations, because it enable the economy to grow on a global scale too. Most organisations have programs that also aim to develop education from different age-groups, resulting in a brighter future. Therefore, a reduce in unemployment rate and starvation. You went off topic in this BP. If you want to show that donating to organizations enable economic growth you need to devote the whole paragraph to that thought and prove it in detail by every sentence- sentence one: donating to org’s leads to ec dev; sentence two: org’s have power and more information so they know better where to direct resources for better use; sentence three: therefore a larger group of people receives assistance and in most efficient with: sentence four: for example for some people it will be better to provide financial support, for others to pay their tuition fees, for someone else to subsidize their business loan; sentence five: such a full scale campaign will ensure people get most of the donations.

To summarize, some people like to provide hands- on support, and build warm relationships with others, than to just simply give money to people. Some are able to provide assistance by sharing their free time volunteering, and others share money as a support. In my opinion, both are significant and show greater impact on addressing the needs of families from challenging backgrounds and improve the local and international economy. 1: TO CONCLUDE OR IN CONCLUSION, no to summarize, no in a nutshell, no that being said... 2. One or two sentences MAX; 3. Both are significant is not an opinion. Opinion is when you pick one of the two and prove why you think one opinion is more valid than the second one. In my case, I showed that the second one is more valid. Actually, always talk about the side you support in the last BP.

 

[Tusher]

Guys my exam is in two days, can someone please evaluate my writing and probable band?

Q: Parents should not pressure their children to choose a particular profession. Young people should be given freedom to choose a career they like.

In what extent do you agree or disagree


Parents often put pressure on their children to pursue certain career path thinking it is best for them, but end up overlooking the fact that it can affect career progression adversely instead. This essay will discuss why parents force their children to choose a specific career while outlining the reasons why young people must have the liberty to choose their preferred career path as per my understanding.

Firstly we may look into, why parents actually put restrictions in choosing certain jobs for their children. Parents these days are obsessed with the well-being of their children and want them to have a smooth struggle free future. Therefore, they do not want their children to pursue a career which makes less money, as one of the perceived reasons people struggle in life is because of not having enough money. Additionally, sometimes parents want social recognition and status, which mainly associated with specific reputed jobs like doctor and engineer, hence, force their dependents to chase parents dream instead of their own.

Secondly, we can now look into the repercussions of forcing children to choose particular profession and in contrary see the benefits when liberty is given to choose their preferred career. Fundamentally, we all must do what makes us happy and happiness does not come from money and social status, it has other virtues. Against children wills, when parents forces them to pursue a specific career, they are only pushing them into being unhappy for the rest of their life. Additionally, at some point of their life, children will be frustrated and blame their parents for not having a happy and progressive life. Whereas, doing something we love may make us less money at the beginning but we will have a happy soul. Moreover, being expert in the choosen field shall eventually earn money, fame and status. I believe if you are doing things that you are passionate about great things beyond ones imagination can be achieved, as passion is known to be the key of unlocking greatness. One can not find a legendary sports man or a business tycoon who has been doing something they didn't like.

In conclusion, regardless the best interest parents may have in their mind for their children, they should never dictate what their children must do. All the young people should have the liberty pursue their desired dream, which will make everyone happy collectively.

 

[priyanka.kanawat]

Hi Priyanka

There are couple of things I must tell you.
1. There are no contractions in the letter and these are necessary for the informal tone.
2. There are some errors in punctuation, especially commas.
3. Sentences like could you... And please are more formal. You can write.. It'd be great if we postpone the holiday to the next summer.

What you say?
4. There is no sign off. Say see you soon here etc

5. Each para reflects one main point and that's good for task achievement. I think interlinking of paras is missing.

Write Also. That being said. Moreover. These kinds of words to connect to the previous para( not necessary, but i think will be great)

Thankyou so much for your kind feedback. I shall work on the suggested points.