IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[H0peAndFa1th]

Please I have just answered my first writing tutorials and I will appreciate your corrections.

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the
following topic:
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
You should write at least 250 words.
Answer:

Can you imagine the world without music? [don't write like that ]
The world will be perceived dead I presume. [don't write like that ]

Music gives hope. [3 words ??]
Music motivates people. . [3 words ??]
Music enhances connection of people to people or people to things.

Music is made up of a magnificent power that helps people of different culture, background and upbringing to relate, understand and accommodate each other.

you are being philosophical, good for 5.5 band essays, 6 max, you have no idea what is expected in an ielts essay, please do study before posting next one.

In different occasions when I feel depressed, I just listen to music. The rhythm gives me joy and makes me feel lively leading to generation of so much positivity. Music spurge in me the a positive mindset that I can achieve whatever I set my mind to do with a motivation that whatever I am facing at the moment, it will surely get better. Based on my personal experience, I would say we need music. As this can reduce the rate of depression and subsequently lead to a reduction in suicidal rates across the world. Sometimes in my final year as an undergraduate, I was overwhelmed by the work load that I had to go through. Based on these, I easily got frustrated and always looking for the zeal to push harder into putting the work that is required for me to get the best grade I needed at that particular level. Once I switch my music player on; plug my earpiece, I feel like I am in my own world and I tend to be able to imagine good things which ends up motivating me. For instance, when I have to solve mathematical problems, music helps me focus and reduce the agony that comes with racking of my brains. Music is life.

lots of "I" = means shit in ielts.
just scanned this para, didn't read.

Language makes communication easier and for most people, the main languages with which they were brought always play a major role in their understanding of words. As music is concern, enjoyment of it comes with the understanding of the words that are been spoken. Although, there is another phase of argument that may say that beats is essential to music; that is fine. But majority of the top music awards rates music based on how the words flow with the beat. That is, they must be in synergy. Therefore, words can be seen as the most essential part of music. As a Yoruba man, I connect better to a Yoruba song solely because I understand in-depth the meaning of the words that are said. In other words, individuals connect more to their founding language making their traditional music more important than the international music that are been heard nowadays.

failed to make the meaning of it.

again, telling you, you have no idea what ielts essay is. study extensive before posting your next one.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Dears, I have only 3 days left.
Please kindly advise if I'm any closer to band 7.


Some teachers tend to reward students who achieve high academic results. Others, however, support and reward students that show the most improvement.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is a common practice to have a reward system within educational institutions all over the world. An overwhelming number of schools have adopted a policy of rewarding students with the highest grades, while there are some that encourage improvement rather than scores gained. In my opinion, despite the merits of the former approach, such as formation of a competitive environment, rewarding positive changes is more beneficial from the perspective of an individual’s development.

with this kind of intro, expect 7.5 or more.

On the one hand, it is thought by some, that supporting top grades results in school children’s eagerness to be the best in class. Children may wish to get outstanding marks, shall they notice that it is encouraged by the professors. As a result, this can lead to healthy competition among classmates, when each pupil will tend (tends) to learn as much as possible to score the most. A recent study by the faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University has proven that a competitive environment among children can result in an improvement of their performance by up to 35%.

children are not students, its tough to understand, but you can,
children is relevant to parent, for teachers or in school they are students.
use the words correctly

On the other hand, many believe that appreciation of school children’s individual improvement is more effective, as it promotes their personal growth. Children are considered to be mentally vulnerable and fragile and, therefore, it is important for them to feel adults’ support when they make an effort, even if the result is not material. In contrary (had to be "on the contrary", though I'm not sure if I can use that expression here), a child might stop making any attempt to gain knowledge if he or she receives no positive reaction from the teacher. This means that shall the teacher want to encourage pupils to be proactive and interested, they would need to notice and reward every student’s improvement. The research conducted by The New York Times in April 2018 has shown that 60% of American parents would prefer their heir to be graded by the above-mentioned method, to what I agree.

To conclude, in my opinion, though some teachers would rather reward top performers within the class, promotion of improvement is more useful, as it can make students want to improve themselves.

-------------------------------------------
13 sentences, 337 words.

I suppose my sentences are too long (26 words on average), do I need to somehow break them down or cut?

Also, my 2nd body paragraph appeared to be much longer than the 1st one, though I support the idea in the second paragraph. Can this be a problem?

Thanks in advance!

everything is fine, you can get 7 to 8 for this, who knows, well-written I can say

 

[marosa]

with this kind of intro, expect 7.5 or more.



children are not students, its tough to understand, but you can,
children is relevant to parent, for teachers or in school they are students.
use the words correctly







everything is fine, you can get 7 to 8 for this, who knows, well-written I can say

Thanks a lot for your time!

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Masters of the thread @artificial.nocturne @H0peAndFa1th @cansha please look at this.

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Companies nowadays prefer to gather personal information from the candidates applying for a job, which includes marital status, interests, and hobbies. Although believed by many that such information may be relevant and useful to hire a perfect candidate, but, few people think that personal information must not be revealed to the employer because it may result in discrimination in the hiring process. This essay will discuss both the views, however, in my opinion, disclosure of such information does not affect the hiring process and helps the employer make a better choice over a number of candidates.

On the one hand, it is perceived by many that capturing (wrong word choice) the private information of candidates, who are applying for jobs, gives the free hand to the hiring managers, to hire the candidate of their own interest.
Man eating lion
let us eat grandma

see, commas are important,


However, it is important to understand that the hiring manager will be able to hire a person of personal interest only if he is aware of the place where the candidates belong to, or the cast of the candidate, but having information only about the hobbies, interest and marital status does not allows the recruiting manager to take a biased decision. A recent survey by Economic Times suggests that the companies who do not seek personal information from the candidates have a 10% higher attrition rate. So in my opinion (avoid this in para), the belief that employer having availed the personal information may bias the recruiting process is not valid.

On the other hand, the hiring managers ask the candidates for personal information to make the best choice out of the pool of candidates. Firstly, seeking personal information such as interest and hobbies reveals the nature of the person and reveals more about the personality of the candidate. Such as, someone having a habit of reading novels must be a person who likes to be surrounded by books. Secondly, asking for the marital status helps the hiring manager to make a decision according to the requirement of the role, as the role might include a lot of traveling which is generally not preferred by the married candidates, and may result in disinterest from the job. Times now interview with top recruiting agencies shows that the hiring managers who seek personal information from candidates have been able to recruit more successful candidates with an attrition rate of less than 10%. In my opinion (avoid it in para), employers who ask the private information of the candidates successfully hire a better person according to the roles and responsibility of the position.

To conclude, hiring managers availing subjective information in advance, from the candidates applying for job opportunities should not be seen as a way of dissolving transparency of the hiring procedure, as it helps employers bring the best resources to the company.

your writing style is sophisticated, or atleast you are trying, but a missing comma can collapse the sentence. be very careful

This one can easily fetch 7, or atleast if you avoid repetition and other mistakes, you can surely get 7, even 7.5

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

In many countries, people are moving away from rural areas and towards urban areas. Why do you think that is? What problems can this cause

Nowadays, numerous nations are experiencing phenomenal shift of people moving from small towns to developed cities. This is happening due to the fact that, people are striving to achieve better standard of living by opting to diverse opportunity to work that originate concerns like competition for work.

hmm, good, gave glance, very good

It is irrefutable that people often move out of their home land (wrong word choice) in order to explore opportunities to take up from a wide range of job available in the city which are available in limited numbers in town comparatively.

When people wish to excel in their profession and wants to work with global companies like Google.com, then they need to move to the cities where those multinational companies have their office setup.


To illustrate, if software developer want to work for a company whose office is in Seattle, then he or she needs to move to that city in order to join it.

last two sentences are saying same thing,

grammar errors, look for an english teacher, who can fix your grammar.

On the other hand, wouldn’t this shift create any unbalancement? Of course it does. (avoid this language)

When more and more people move to certain cities for work then, it is obvious that the immigrant population grow to an extent which eventually create more supply than demand. Therefore, when supply increases and demand remains static, an state of competition arise for the job seeker which makes it even harder for the job seeker only to achieve his dream work profile. To exemplify, when there are more than 30 application for an open position then each employee will have same but less probability to be picked provided all have same skill set.

All being said, human thrives to experience better work life by opting diverse job which drive them to move out of their hometown to get exposure to the global job opportunities available however this also create issue like competition to grab a job.



Team :: please share view- hopes this was better than my last one..
Please spare 2 min.

Time taken 45Min

you know ielts format, but sentence formation is totally wrong, all sentences have errors. Find a grammar teacher.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

look friends, cansha or I, can't teach you grammar,
we can point out problems, may be in one essay we can fix it for you, but it won't help you

we can help you to jump from 6.5 to 7, by suggesting quick fixes, which you may already know, but are not doing it.
or
you might be unaware of ielts writing parameters for 7 band essay, but already familiar with the pattern.

if your grammar is good, already got the ielts coaching of some sort, already took the test, but facing problems in getting 7, then maybe we can help you

but few essays I saw today, made me realize that people are expecting a lot from us, which we can not deliver.

so sorry about that.

 

[cansha]

again, telling you, you have no idea what ielts essay is. study extensive before posting your next one.

Couldn't agree more

 

[cansha]

look friends, cansha or I, can't teach you grammar,
we can point out problems, may be in one essay we can fix it for you, but it won't help you
if your grammar is good, already got the ielts coaching of some sort, already took the test, but facing problems in getting 7, then maybe we can help you

I agree with what you said. Also, sadly I get a feeling many a times people are in the "practice mode" and not really in a mood to actually review the feedback. For example, read at least 3 essays which used the line "This essay will discuss ....". I have given feedback on that line numerous times and always refer back people to this post point 1.4
https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
And #1 on this list http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/

Grammar is a tough one as @H0peAndFa1th already mentioned. It will require really dedicated effort to improve. But, the essay structure can be learnt. Common mistakes can be avoided easily. Please read more and if possible read many previous reviews.

 

[velocityblood]

there is only suggestion, find a english teacher.

@H0peAndFa1th I understand that word capturing is not the right word, can u please highlight the grammar mistakes?

 

[Aruntocanada]

In many countries, people are moving away from rural areas and towards urban areas. Why do you think that is? What problems can this cause


hmm, good, gave glance, very good


last two sentences are saying same thing,

grammar errors, look for an English teacher, who can fix your grammar.






you know ielts format, but sentence formation is totally wrong, all sentences have errors. Find a grammar teacher.

I am thankful of your time for this review and for the fact that I have reached this point in my writing.

At least, intro has improved but yes BP has grammar error due to rush to write complex sentences with wide vocab. I know my grammar is not at expert level but above mentioned errors can be handled. Its just the time pressure to write it at a good level. that's it.

I am returning to studies with your and other member's feedback and will improve my writing, then will post again to be reviewed.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

@H0peAndFa1th I understand that word capturing is not the right word, can u please highlight the grammar mistakes?

I was exhausted, sorry about my irrational conclusion, your essay is good,

updated,
https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-107#post-7772195

again sorry to discourage you, please post more.

 

[velocityblood]

I was exhausted, sorry about my irrational conclusion, your essay is good,

updated,
https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-107#post-7772195

again sorry to discourage you, please post more.

Hi @H0peAndFa1th I understand that assessing all essays in one go is tedious and I respect the work you guys are doing. Thanks for evaluation.

 

[marosa]

Dears, 2 days left for me.

I've attempted a double question essay, though not very happy with what came out.))
Could you please comment on this?

Thanks in advance!

Nowadays the way people interact with each other has changed because of technology.
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make?
Has this become a positive or negative development?

During the past few years technological innovations have appeared to popularize new communication types. While face-to-face chat was considered to be the most common way of human interaction a few decades ago, nowadays most of socialization is thought to take place online. In my opinion, this phenomena has a positive effect, as it enables communication in long distances.

One of the major changes that innovative technologies have brought can be the switch from live to virtual interaction. Should people wish to share information with one another urgently, they no longer need to meet physically. Any person, who has an access to the Internet is now able to provide or receive information: would it be on a personal matter, global news or a professional topic. A recent research by The Economist have illustrated that around 60% of people’s daily communication takes place via the Web.

The invention and rise of online networking is perceived to result in individuals keeping in touch even if they are thousands of miles away. Those, who are located in different countries are able to continue socializing via online platforms, including Facebook, Whatsapp and Skype. As a result, after moving to another city people are still able to learn about their family and friends, meaning that the family (used "family" twice in one sentence) bounds (had to be "bonds") can be maintained. For instance, my grandmother, who would previously meet her sister once in a few months, have started making video calls with her nearly every day.

To conclude, cutting edge technologies are believe to greatly change means of interaction, in terms of people giving preference to virtual communication. I strongly opine that this is beneficial, as such a change has enabled people to remain connected, when they are far away (is this too simple?).
---------------

N of words 284, 13 sentences

“People” – used 5 times
“Technologies” – used 3 times

 

[marosa]

A quick question - do you know if they deduct scores for sentences added in the end, with an "*"? For example, when checking one of the essays I noticed that I missed a sentence right in the middle of the 2nd paragraph can I add a "*" there and then another one in the end and write down the missing sentence or do I need to erase and rewrite the whole part?

Thanks!

 

[Aruntocanada]

In many countries, people are moving away from rural areas and towards urban areas. Why do you think that is? What problems can this cause


hmm, good, gave glance, very good


last two sentences are saying same thing,

grammar errors, look for an english teacher, who can fix your grammar.






you know ielts format, but sentence formation is totally wrong, all sentences have errors. Find a grammar teacher.

While studying I thought just to re work on my essay and improve the errors which I see from my point of view: Will post if you can see it...so that I will move into that direction only.