IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[manishsharma240]

Hi Cansha, need your kindness again, I have tried to give my best shot but it invariably looks good every-time before you rip it apart,

Question
Some people think that public health is the responsibility of government while some think that they should be responsible for their own health.

Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

In recent years, public health has become a matter of great concern for government & individual. Many people believe that it is solely a responsibility of administration while some feel that public should stand responsible for their own health. However, in my viewpoint, government & public should be equally accountable for a healthy lifestyle and only one could not be responsible.

Mostly, people tend to be irresponsible by not keeping a check on their health regularly. Ideally, they should adapt a healthy lifestyle. For example – people should refrain themselves from having excessive fried, fast food, alcohol which is the prime cause of poor health. Further, they should make a habit of daily workout, walk for at least 30 minutes. In addition, they should be more inclined towards organic food instead of processed & preserved ones.

Although, it is an individual’s choice to live a healthy life or not but government has a very crucial role to play in subject to public health by imparting the people about the significance of a healthy way of life. To illustrate – government could advertise in newspaper, radio & television to make public aware about the benefits of following a healthy lifestyle. Further, it is government’s responsibility to supply clean drinkable water, building parks, health centers with advance equipment for public treatment. Moreover, running free health check up campaigns.

To sum up – government & public go hand in hand invariably whenever it is related to public health as they both are accountable for health. Living a healthy life cannot be forced by government in any democratic country. Therefore, Individuals have a bigger responsibility to their own health.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

Thanks for your suggestions and advise. Yes, you are right, I overuse these type of expressions: ..it is a fact, it is undeniable, there is no doubt, bla bla bla..... maybe thinking that I can add an emphasis on my arguments. And, although laughable, I want overweigh kids shed their extra weight, and sadly the quickest solution is to reduce the ingestion, neither healthy nor processed foods... I am kidding. You are right,,,.... If I don't offer an alternative they will die by starvation. lolololo

Thanks.... Good day.

Obesity amongst children is a growing concern in developed nations, since they are witnessing an overwhelming increase in numbers of obese kids. The cheap price of processed food and the lack of physical exercise could be considered as main causes of this epidemic. Fortunately, local governments can easily tackle this social issue by imposing high taxes on unhealthy foods and making mandatory the practice of exercise.

Really well written introduction! Please keep following this in future. Good paraphrasing. Addressed both questions in essay in introduction and gave a glimpse of essay. Well done!

First, it is a palpable fact that the price of unhealthy/processed food (those filled with sugar and unnamable ingredients) is quite cheaper than healthy ones (vegetables, fruits, organic products). I don't like these kind of arguments. It is already known, It is a fact, there is no doubt. Please don't write your arguments like this. State a fact and tell why is that a fact.
Families, particularly low-income, prefer to spend their food budget in this type of food, since a big amount of products can be bought with less money. Not sure I agree but the way it is written is fine.
Secondly, it is no a secret See again it is no secret ... you need to get rid of this.
that nowadays kids spends hours on end, either watching TV or playing video games. They barely do exercise, or even practice a sport, resulting in a sedentary lifestyle. These two factors, an unhealthy diet and a lack of exercise, highly contribute to the childhood obesity. Other than the issues highlighted well written!

Luckily, there are feasible solutions to overcome this problem. Public administrations can enact legislation in which levy taxes on processed foods. This extra charge would definitely act as a deterrent for families who normally buy these items. You see the issue here. You said in your above paragraph that poor families bought such kind of food. Now you made it expensive for them. But you didn't make the healthier food cheaper. So how is it a solution? How does it help them? You are penalizing them but not really helping them.

Additionally, by law, governments can declare the act of exercising as an intrinsic obligation for all kids, making directly liable parents, with economic fine, if kids don't practice a sport or exercise their bodies. No they can't. It is a democracy. you can't make things mandatory by law just like that.

In Spain, for instance, who has the second high rate of childhood obesity in Europe, has been applied these remedies since 2016, and has reduced by 30% the obesity rate in kids, according to the last report.

I like the premise of arguments. But they have not been presented well. And I know people say oh IELTS is a language test and they don't look at the validity of their argument. I have never really understood how they will test "Task Response" then. In my opinion the second paragraph lacks task response but I may be wrong.

To sum up, the uncontrolled increase of obese children is due to the fact that many families feed theirs kids with the cheapest food on the market, and do not encourage them to do exercise, letting that TV being their best friend. However, governments hold the power to put a halt on this increasing problem by making high taxable unhealthy foodstuffs and legally obligating kids to exercise.

Ok well written conclusion in the context. I may not like your arguments but you did revisit your arguments in your conclusion.

Overall, I think this was well written from essay structure perspective. You followed all what is needed from an IELTS introduction and conclusion. And more or less have hit everything in Task response. I think you should be able to get a 7.5+ score on this one.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

I wrote this essay a couple weeks ago. Since here, there are helpful people (Ms./Mr. Cansha) who are genuinely interested in our success, I please ask you that if you have nothing to do this weekend or the upcoming days, give a quick check to my draft. I appreciate.



ESSAY: Some people aim to achieve balance between work and other parts of lives, but few achieve it. Explain some possible reasons for this problem and suggest some solutions.

These days, having a good worklife balance is a steep challenge that many people have to face with, and unfortunately many failed in doing so. An over-demanding job coupled with a poor time management skills could be considered as possible causes. Luckily, people have the option to apply for a less stressful job and/or learn how to plan properly their time to do both work and enjoy the life.

It is undeniable that the better jobs positions, those with high wages and attractive benefits, are extremely demanding. A manager position, for instance, have to work long hours, deal with unsatisfied clients, meet deadline, compose and write complex reports, etc. This overload work scenario create a stressful environment in people's life with little room for entertainment, family or even proper rest. Besides this common reality, many individuals simply does not know how to organize their life at all. In other words, they face their upcoming days without a determined schedule, ending up overwhelmed with all the activities and obligations they have to deal with.

Fortunately, as an old adage says, people always have a choice. First, if they are overwhelmed, overloaded, distressful with their current jobs, they can find another position with less responsibilities and duties, which allow them to find a balance point between profession and private life. Moreover, although it can sound a mere logical deduction, for those unable to manage their time good enough, they can go to any bookstore a buy a planner to help them to build up efficiently their daily hours.

In conclusion, life could be seem as a difficult challenge for all people, particularly for workers with a demanding job or those who simply ignore how to deal with schedules. However, a balanced life at work and at home is a reachable reality. How? by choosing a job less demanding jog or by learning how to organize their time individuals, so there is no excuse.

 

[qaziarslantariq]

Dear @H0peAndFa1th @cansha ,
Please evaluate my task. I found this topic a bit difficult.

Providing a national system in a country where the unemployed receive a regular payment only encourages people not to seek work and puts an unreasonable strain on a country’s financial resources.
Discuss the statement and give your opinion.


Provision of a system at federal level, which ensures that the jobless people do receive monetary aid regularly, is considered a reason by some people owing to what human beings tend to stay jobless. Moreover, they also think that such methodology may assert unbearable stress on a country’s fiscal budget. I firmly disbelieve in these theories and I am going to discuss why I do opine so.

Firstly, everybody on this planet has the right to eat and live. If there are not sufficient job opportunities for some people to earn their bread and butter, then it becomes the core responsibility of the sitting government to take care of its citizens. There could be appropriate reasons behind the unavailability of paid work such as financial crisis, stock market crash and most importantly, natural disasters. Last year, due to the unavailability of electricity for commercial purposes, thousands of textile mill workers in Faisalabad were laid off. If the government’s Benazir Income Support Program had not helped them they would have found them in miserable conditions. Hence, state institutions shall take care of their people in such cases.

Subsequently, governments’ finances are there to help out the nations because the states all around the world yield their income from laymen in terms of taxation. These levies generated income is distributed to certain institutions like health, education, transportation, and many more. Governments must ensure that they do form a funding in case of sudden rise in any sort of unemployment. As discussed earlier, Government of Pakistan has formed a special fund worth PKR 52 billion with an annual rise of 1 per cent for its unemployed population. Therefore, it assures that jobless workers do not suffer in case of emergency layoffs.

To summarize, provision of a national fund is states’ responsibility to ensure that their people do not suffer while they become jobless. Even if it inserts pressure on the budget, it is the nation which pay the taxes to generate a country’s income.

 

[Hannan Khan]

Hi @cansha . Posting my latest essay here. I have tried to come up with three body paragraphs to mitigate the underdeveloped paragraphing issue. I know this is a bad solution but trying it out for you to bash me lol. Does this intro look too wordy? I am skeptic.

Some people become famous at a young age.

Is it a good or a bad thing?

People at their early age, have always dreamt about strutting down the red carpet draped in an expensive outfit. With the advent of the various methods of mass communication, including social media and television, a number of youngsters have reached the pinnacle of popularity. The fame gained at a tender age may come at the expense of a high school dropout and would eventually create a bad role model for the youth.

The youngsters making it big from the word go are usually high school dropouts. According to a study conducted recently, 60% of the youth never go back to school once they have had the taste of popularity. As a result, they never complete their education which becomes an issue at a later stage in their life.

Another drawback of untimely popularity is that youngsters become a bad role model because of their relatively low civic responsibility. As people grow old, they develop maturity and learn social norms. Youngsters finding fame before developing maturity are often caught breaking laws. Therefore, it is not a great example that they set for the people following in their footsteps.

Finally, famous teenagers often become the victims of depression. The high suicide rate among young television stars speaks volumes of the depression they face. This is because they are always thronged by fans and paparazzi. The distance from family and a persistent lifestyle of cosmetic nature makes them go into a state of depression.

In conclusion, it does not play in the favor of society for the youngsters to gain fame at an early age. The society should identify negatives of this trend and address them by encouraging youngsters to complete their studies and develop maturity before exhibiting their talent.

Hi @cansha

I think this one got lost in the mix so wanted to bring it in top of your notifications. Please give me a band prediction as well. I have the test in 3 days so would be posting one or two more essays. Please go through if/when you get a chance.

Thanks bud!

 

[mohit2018]

congratulations, was it your 5th attempt, you got 9 in both reading and listening this time, speaking 7.5, you know what, I am 100% sure that if you reevaluate this test, you can get 7.5 in writing and 8 in speaking, that's how they lower .5 bands in both modules.

well, glad the crushing period ended for you, see you on the other side,

and best of luck to all those who are still struggling.

I appreciate your thought. But in speaking I self-corrected myself at 3-4 occasions. Hence, I think re-evaluation may not help. In W, however, I thought I did better than a 7. I might actually go for S & W evaluation. But, bcoz my spouse is a post-grad and is at CLB 8 already, I would rather spend on her attempt to make it full and final.

 

[Abasit0097]

@cansha
Thanks a lot for your valuable feedback. I will try to improve as per your guidelines. Thanks once again.

 

[cansha]

Hi Cansha, need your kindness again, I have tried to give my best shot but it invariably looks good every-time before you rip it apart,

Question
Some people think that public health is the responsibility of government while some think that they should be responsible for their own health.

Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

In recent years, public health has become a matter of great concern for government & individual. This line is not adding value so no need for this one. Plus never use & again in your formal essay. Just say and
Many people believe that it is solely a responsibility of administration while some feel that public should stand responsible for their own health. Fine. Paraphrasing line.
However, in my viewpoint, government & public should be equally accountable for a healthy lifestyle and only one could not be responsible. Now, this is where it could be slightly better. Give a glimpse of why you think so. For example refer to this post of how you can do that.
https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-38#post-7269377

Mostly, people tend to be irresponsible by not keeping a check on their health regularly. This is a weird opening for your essay. I get the sentiment that you are saying since people are careless they should be careful about their health. But this is a confusing way of making an argument. Why not just get to the point and say an individual should not be dependent on government and they can take some preemptive steps to make sure they are in good health. And then rest of the para follows.
Ideally, they should adapt a healthy lifestyle. For example – people should refrain themselves from having excessive fried, fast food, alcohol which is the prime cause of poor health. Further, they should make a habit of daily workout, walk for at least 30 minutes. In addition, they should be more inclined towards organic food instead of processed & preserved ones.

Although, it is an individual’s choice to live a healthy life See again a round about way of making an argument. Just go to what government can/should do.
or not but government has a very crucial role to play in subject to public health by imparting the people about the significance of a healthy way of life. To illustrate – government could advertise in newspaper, radio & television to make public aware about the benefits of following a healthy lifestyle. Further, it is government’s responsibility to supply clean drinkable water, building parks, health centers with advance equipment for public treatment. Moreover, running free health check up campaigns.
For me, one way of knowing whether arguments were well developed before writing the paragraph is the use of further, moreover, in addition. Too many of these and it feels like you are making the argument as you were writing. Make your argument at the beginning of the paragraph then just support it. Here you are giving too many ideas and not developing anything. For example, free health check ups is an idea in itself. Let's say that was your primary idea then you need to support it why government should do it, how it will help etc. Right now it is a list of things and not a well developed idea.


To sum up – government & public go hand in hand invariably whenever it is related to public health as they both are accountable for health. Living a healthy life cannot be forced by government in any democratic country. Do you think this is your argument in essay or a new argument?
Therefore, Individuals have a bigger responsibility to their own health. Seriously, didn't you say individual and government are equally responsible? Why are you killing your own essay in the very last line?

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
Point 3.2 in above post.

 

[gish]

Guys,
can anyone provide me with a link or a pdf from where I can read a good sample essay
I am already aware of Ieltsliz

 

[qaziarslantariq]

@cansha please check this essay, I have test on 14th February.

Dear @H0peAndFa1th @cansha ,
Please evaluate my task. I found this topic a bit difficult.

Providing a national system in a country where the unemployed receive a regular payment only encourages people not to seek work and puts an unreasonable strain on a country’s financial resources.
Discuss the statement and give your opinion.


Provision of a system at federal level, which ensures that the jobless people do receive monetary aid regularly, is considered a reason by some people owing to what human beings tend to stay jobless. Moreover, they also think that such methodology may assert unbearable stress on a country’s fiscal budget. I firmly disbelieve in these theories and I am going to discuss why I do opine so.

Firstly, everybody on this planet has the right to eat and live. If there are not sufficient job opportunities for some people to earn their bread and butter, then it becomes the core responsibility of the sitting government to take care of its citizens. There could be appropriate reasons behind the unavailability of paid work such as financial crisis, stock market crash and most importantly, natural disasters. Last year, due to the unavailability of electricity for commercial purposes, thousands of textile mill workers in Faisalabad were laid off. If the government’s Benazir Income Support Program had not helped them they would have found them in miserable conditions. Hence, state institutions shall take care of their people in such cases.

Subsequently, governments’ finances are there to help out the nations because the states all around the world yield their income from laymen in terms of taxation. These levies generated income is distributed to certain institutions like health, education, transportation, and many more. Governments must ensure that they do form a funding in case of sudden rise in any sort of unemployment. As discussed earlier, Government of Pakistan has formed a special fund worth PKR 52 billion with an annual rise of 1 per cent for its unemployed population. Therefore, it assures that jobless workers do not suffer in case of emergency layoffs.

To summarize, provision of a national fund is states’ responsibility to ensure that their people do not suffer while they become jobless. Even if it inserts pressure on the budget, it is the nation which pay the taxes to generate a country’s income.

 

[qaziarslantariq]

@cansha Please evaluate my letter.

You recently received a letter from your bank that should have contained your new credit card. Unfortunately, the card was not in the letter.
Write a letter to your bank manager. In your letter:
1. Explain what has happened
2. Suggest the credit card should be canceled for security reasons.
3. Ask him when a new card can be sent to you.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to inform you about the letter which I received last week from your bank. As per the earlier communicated email, my credit card was supposed to be attached with the letter but unfortunately I could not find it inside the envelope.

When I received the envelope, it was not sealed properly. I think it had been opened by someone during shipment prior to its delivery. Hence, I can assume that either someone had stolen it or due to improper packing during the shipping process it was lost.

I would recommend you to kindly block my credit card immediately as the security has been compromised and anybody might perform illegitimate transactions.

Lastly, please let me know about the delivery schedule of my new credit card as it is becoming difficult for to shop online with it.

I look forward to your response as soon as possible.

Yours faithfully,
Arslan Tariq

 

[qaziarslantariq]

Dear @cansha Another attempt. I hope I am not crossing the limit of daily essay counts.


There is a problem today that copyright materials such as music, films and books are freely available on the internet with the result that the owners of the work lose money. Do you feel that this is a good or bad thing?

Free availability of licensed materials like music, movies, and publications on online websites is considered unsatisfactory because the owners of such materials end up losing their earnings. I personally reject the idea of free accessibility of patented items through websites but at the same time I am against their universal rates all over the world.

Giving free access to the work being produced by individuals or a group of individuals, to whole world is cruelty with its manufacturers; considering the amount of hard work and creativity they put in it. Writing a fiction book, for example, requires a competent writer with a strong background knowledge, comprehensive thought process and creative ideas. Along with these ingredients it takes considerable amount of time and money to publish few hard copies of the work. Once it gets published and then if someone buys and uploads it on internet for free; it is a sin for me. Therefore, such improper usage of anybody’s creation shall be discouraged.

Opposed thinking to the aforementioned argument is that the monetary value of the copyright materials should not be the same for different parts of the world. Consistent pricing for an item for all countries makes it hard for users of poorer financial background. Take Microsoft Office as an example, whose full pack price is around 150 US dollars everywhere. Although this is not expensive for developed countries’ public but it becomes tougher for citizens of under developed nations to spend such amounts for a software, whose pirated version is available free of cost on the internet. Hence, reducing licensed material prices across different regions would encourage people to buy them instead of steeling.

To sum up, owing to the dedication and struggle behind the creation of patent work in any field of life, their accessibility to general public should not be free of cost via internet sites. However, every individual should be given appropriate pricing to buy them.

 

[chrisdam]

Please kindly help me am new here.


Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information such as their hobbies and interest and whether they are married or single some people say that this information may be relevant and useful others disagree
Discuss both views and give ur opinion

Securing employment has unprecedentedly become difficult. Occasionally, employers ask job seekers for their private data which includes interest and marital status. Some individuals argue that it is necessary and helpful whilst others are of view that it would discourage applicant. However in my opinion,it help employers know how to designate duties.

On the one hand, it is a known fact that individuals perform better when assigned to their place of interest, they tend to be more productive.
For example, a person whose hobby is swimming would give better result as a swim instructor than a secretary. In addition, employers believe singles are more marketable, diligent and available to work at all time than married individuals. For instance, there is less tendency of applying for maternity leave as married women do.


On the other hand,requesting for personal data can result in untrustful disclosure of information by aspiring employees,they might lie their way in quest to secure a job. Another point to consider is that, unemployment would be on the increase as applicant could be discouraged to apply.An individual who doesn't have an interest in any field would be reluctant to apply, leading to unemployment.

In conclusion,asking for private data from aspiring employees might seem irrelevant by some people because it might result in untrustful information. In my opinion it is relevant,important and helpful as it help to accord appropriate duties to right person.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

The way in which governments use public funding is a matter of controversy. Please do not use this sentence on IELTS. This is #4 on this list http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/ And I have shared this list many a times here. Not sure why no one reads it. Controversy is a bad word for IELTS.

It is argued by some that major investments should be done in ameliorating Wrong word choice public services rather than in arts (music, theater etc.), since there is no palpable Good word choice benefit from it. I partially agree with this statement as both issues Need a better word here. may be "both areas / avenues or something better" These are not issues these are areas of possibly investment should have equal resources.

There is no doubt Again something I have said many times before not to use this phrase. I will add this to my list. But this is similar to #8 on this list http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/
that by having modern, efficient and good public services (hospital, schools, roads, and the like), the quality of people's life would definitely be better.

For instance, if educational centers are properly equipped, with top-notch teachers, our kids would receive an excellent education. That is why, public administrations always allocated a significant amount of its budget to this area each fiscal year.

On the other hand, Again an old feedback if you don't use on the one hand before this looks out of place

recreational activities are an intrinsic part of human being. It is an indispensable area not only for entertainment purposes, but is the main way to trigger creativity and imagination, particularly in children. Spain, aware of this undeniable fact, during the last 10 years has set apart a quarter of its annual finances to enhance theaters, music halls and gallery arts to offer a breadth of artistic activities and events to its citizens. Okay

In conclusion, although it is true that governments should pay special attention to public services as they are one of the way of measuring the living standards of a nation, it is also true that arts, in all its expressions, is also factor of that equation, and as such should be also should also be taken into account.

Overall the essay is a decent effort but has all the common issues that have been discussed here many times in the past. So, if you think those points are not valid for you than it is a different matter. Other than that there is nothing bad or exceptional in the essay. Problem is it is difficult to predict how the examiner will treat it on exam day. Depending on an examiner I think this one can get 7.5/7 or a 6.5. So, difficult to say.

All the best!

I did not see your replay. Thanks for your suggestions. I' ll try to get rid of all those "unnecessary expressions" that only serve as filling for my essay.

 

[darshanmodi]

@cansha Please evaluate my essay

Some people say that for a hobby to be enjoyable. It should be difficult to a degree. Do you agree or disagree.

It has been argued that in order to enjoy the hobby it needs to have some difficulty level. I agree to this argument because it helps to instill more audacity and at the same time helps to adapt ourself in such scenarios.

The increased tricky level of the hobby will help to inculcate more daring within oneself. When the activity which you like involves the uneasy tasks to be achieved it will help you push yourself to the extreme level. For example, Skydiving, which gives enjoyment when you are in the sky, requires good amount of temerity to perform. Hence, once you actually start skydiving you will have increased amount of daring than the regular humans, which will help you to overcome more challenges.

Additionally, such difficulty level helps oneself to adjust to extreme unbearable situations. For instance, someone having mountain tracking as a hobby is exposed to extreme temperature levels where the aim is not only to complete the track, but also surviving such situations. Hence, such activities definitely brings the joyful moments on the accomplishment of the task, but at the same time it also adapts oneself to unforeseen circumstances, while you are actually a part of such activities.

In conclusion, I definitely feel that hobbies should involve some sort of difficulty to actually enjoy them because along with the zeal it also increases one's audacity and helps to adapt to extreme scenarios which is difficult to confront in the regular daily life.