IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Akhil Soni]

Hi,
Cansha and hope and faith, kindly dissect this essay and help in knowing my shortcomings for this essay. Thank you

TASK 2: PARAGRAPH
Some people think the government should be responsible for solving the pollution problems which results from heavy traffic. To what extent do you agree.

Carbon emissions, from ever increasing automobiles, polluting our environment have become a major cause of concern. While some individuals opine that government is accountable for dealing with this menace, I do not agree with this notion because from my perspective synergistic efforts of general public and the government is an ideal way to deal this issue.

Undoubtedly, government has to play a pivotal role in controlling this ever rising problem. Government has the monetary power to develop and refurbish its existing public transport system to make it not only cost effective and comfortable for commuters but also safe and secure. Such a step will encourage general population to opt for these modes of transport rather than using private vehicles. From the recently published environmental research in the newspaper ‘Times of India’, it is evident that with the introduction of metro train in New Delhi, the pollutants in the air have depleted rapidly owing to lesser number of cars and motorcycles on the road. Thus, it is clear that government’s role is crucial for developing environmental friendly alternatives to commute in order to reduce traffic, and hence pollution.

Having said that; people, in general, have equally essential part to tackle this grave situation. While government can provide eco-friendly infrastructure of transport, it is for the people to embrace this with fervor. Active participation of people to adopt government policies will ensure the success, and thus the real aim to thwart the pollution could be achieved. Also, people can come up with innovative methods such as car pooling to improve air quality index by reducing automotives on road. Therefore, people are also a key to counteract the hazards of increasing carbon emissions.

In conclusion, government should come up with effective solutions to reduce air pollution but the fructification of these strategies will be ensured only when government and public work in unison to fight this menace.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

I avoid giving band scores since I'm not an examiner and don't have any experience. Also, I don't think getting 6.5 is actually very difficult for you. BUT for 7 or 7+ I think task response needs to be much clearer.
I'm always worried while giving feedback because too much feedback may dishearten or demotivate a person and also if I don't give my honest opinion it may be a rude shock on actual exam. So please do not take any feedback in a wrong way. I only want you to be careful.

It's true..today my was broken for a while. I'll take that beer I promised you to relieve my pain .....

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hi,
Cansha and hope and faith, kindly dissect this essay and help in knowing my shortcomings for this essay. Thank you

TASK 2: PARAGRAPH
Some people think the government should be responsible for solving the pollution problems which results from heavy traffic. To what extent do you agree.

Carbon emissions, from ever increasing automobiles, polluting our environment have become a major cause of concern. While some individuals opine that government is accountable for dealing with this menace, I do not agree with this notion because from my perspective synergistic efforts of general public and the government is an ideal way to deal this issue.

It reminds me of myself, using very heavy vocab, I love it.

very well written intro, perfect.

Undoubtedly, government has to play a pivotal role in controlling this ever rising problem. Government has the monetary power [odd use, say : budget, financial resources] to develop and refurbish its existing public transport system to make it not only cost effective and comfortable for commuters but also safe and secure. Such a step will [change will to would ] encourage general population to opt for these modes of transport rather than using private vehicles.

From the recently published environmental research in the newspaper ‘Times of India’ [ wasting words, According to recent research], it is evident that with the introduction of metro train in New Delhi, the pollutants in the air have depleted [odd use: reduced significantly ] rapidly owing to lesser number of cars and motorcycles on the road.
[this whole example line is murky, rewrite : According to recent research on Delhi metro has revealed that in last 5 years pollution has reduced significantly because more and more people are opting train for daily commutes rather than private cars and motorcycles.]

Thus, it is clear that [no need to say this] government’s role is crucial for developing environmental friendly alternatives to commute in order to reduce traffic, and hence pollution.

overall structure, logic , reason, presentation is good, highlighted problems are just to show you what can be improved, it does not mean that it is not a band 7 writing.

Having said that; people, in general, have equally essential part to tackle this grave situation [I am sure there is problem here, but its hard to point out]. While government can provide eco-friendly infrastructure of transport, it is for the people to embrace this with fervor. Active participation of people to adopt government policies will ensure the success, and thus the real aim to thwart the pollution could be achieved. Also, people can come up with innovative methods such as car pooling to improve air quality index by reducing automotives on road. Therefore, people are also a key to counteract the hazards of increasing carbon emissions.

well, I can see the vocab, good usage.
but still not satisfying, it sounds more philosophical, a sermon ? please avoid it, I am also guilty as charged.
less reason and logic, LACK in FOCUS

In conclusion, government should come up with effective solutions to reduce air pollution but the fructification of these strategies will be ensured only when government and public work in unison to fight this menace.

again vocab,

Let's see something

Some people think the government should be responsible
To what extent do you agree.
I do not agree with this notion because from my perspective synergistic efforts of general public and the government is an ideal way to deal this issue.
Thus, it is clear that government’s role is crucial for developing environmental friendly alternatives to commute in order to reduce traffic, and hence pollution.
Therefore, people are also a key to counteract the hazards of increasing carbon emissions.
In conclusion, government should come up with effective solutions to reduce air


Can you see it too ? or it is just me!!

Read this posts in this thread.

your response is not clear enough, I am afraid that despite using good vocab you could end up getting 6.5, as I always do.

Maintain a clear position throughout the essay, this is the only way to get 7, I mean easy way for non-natives. Because we can not maneuver things like they can.

For me:

I strongly agree government is responsible.
BP1: They have financial resources, manpower, will, etc
BP2: They can enforce rules, which can ensure compliance, stringent rules, punishment, imprisonment, heavy fines, etc.
conclusion: ordinary people can make as much efforts they like, until state is willing, nothing good can happen on the ground or in real.

see pretty clear to me.

 

[cansha]

It reminds me of myself, using very heavy vocab, I love it.

very well written intro, perfect.


overall structure, logic , reason, presentation is good, highlighted problems are just to show you what can be improved, it does not mean that it is not a band 7 writing.


well, I can see the vocab, good usage.
but still not satisfying, it sounds more philosophical, a sermon ? please avoid it, I am also guilty as charged.
less reason and logic, LACK in FOCUS



again vocab,

Let's see something

Some people think the government should be responsible
To what extent do you agree.
I do not agree with this notion because from my perspective synergistic efforts of general public and the government is an ideal way to deal this issue.
Thus, it is clear that government’s role is crucial for developing environmental friendly alternatives to commute in order to reduce traffic, and hence pollution.
Therefore, people are also a key to counteract the hazards of increasing carbon emissions.
In conclusion, government should come up with effective solutions to reduce air


Can you see it too ? or it is just me!!

Read this posts in this thread.

your response is not clear enough, I am afraid that despite using good vocab you could end up getting 6.5, as I always do.

Maintain a clear position throughout the essay, this is the only way to get 7, I mean easy way for non-natives. Because we can not maneuver things like they can.

For me:

I strongly agree government is responsible.
BP1: They have financial resources, manpower, will, etc
BP2: They can enforce rules, which can ensure compliance, stringent rules, punishment, imprisonment, heavy fines, etc.
conclusion: ordinary people can make as much efforts they like, until state is willing, nothing good can happen on the ground or in real.

see pretty clear to me.

Completely agree. I think the essay would have been great if you had just changed the intro last line to say something like

I agree with the statement that Government should take an active role in managing this situation and general public should complement such efforts.

Now your essay is inline with your introduction else it’s all over the place.

 

[Akhil Soni]

Completely agree. I think the essay would have been great if you had just changed the intro last line to say something like

I agree with the statement that Government should take an active role in managing this situation and general public should complement such efforts.

Now your essay is inline with your introduction else it’s all over the place.

Hi,
First of all thanks to both Hopeandfaith and cansha for analyzing this essay. I must acknowledge that I made a blunder by not agreeing to the statement of the question. I don't know why these sill mistakes happen and one has to pay heavily for this. Anyways, will be more careful next time and avoid the mistakes being pointed. Thank you both once again.

 

[Akhil Soni]

One question, if the statement in the question would have been that only govt is responsible then would It have been apt to answer the question in the way I did, by not agreeing and giving the same reasons as I gave in the essay. Or something else would have been appropriate. Kindly enlighten.

 

[cansha]

Hi,
First of all thanks to both Hopeandfaith and cansha for analyzing this essay. I must acknowledge that I made a blunder by not agreeing to the statement of the question. I don't know why these sill mistakes happen and one has to pay heavily for this. Anyways, will be more careful next time and avoid the mistakes being pointed. Thank you both once again.

It’s okay. It’s easier to see mistakes when you’re looking at someone else’s essay. But knowing the mistakes can help you self review at the end of the essay better.

 

[cansha]

One question, if the statement in the question would have been that only govt is responsible then would It have been apt to answer the question in the way I did, by not agreeing and giving the same reasons as I gave in the essay. Or something else would have been appropriate. Kindly enlighten.

Yes in that particular case the answer is better.

 

[Tech_girl123]

we are not experts, finding faults in other's work is much easier than producing a error free essay, I myself getting my essays checked from Cansha (secretly )




I would say its trick question, they rarely come as question, but Its still better if you could just elaborate 3 drawbacks in 3 body paragraphs, yes they will be smaller, one paragraph one idea, less confusion etc.

I will answer like this, easy for me to write on computer.

Advent of technology has tectonically shifted the way we used to access the information in the past, such as accessing the apple pie recipe quickly without finding and referencing the grandma's old hardcover book. Admittedly needed information is just a click away, however, there are hard to ignore downsides which need to be addressed accordingly.


To begin with, children these days have unattended access to smart phones, ipads and computers which enables them to access information freely without any stringent restrictions. Young impressionable minds can easily be lured into unlawful activities such as terrorism, through the specifically designed propaganda to brain-wash them and to change their orientation.


Drug misuse is the most concerned issue worldwide in the last few decades. Information related to growing certain plants and use of simple prescriptions for recreational activities is readily available on the Internet.In fact, even after taking down hundreds of websites, information related to this never disappeared from the face of the Internet.


Another highly debated issue related to use of guns and ammunition is linked infamously to the information on Internet, because a 14 year old, as shown in news, made a pistol with his 3d hobby printer after downloading the handgun schematics from the Internet which successfully fired shots. This is new and rather worry-some use of information at hand.


To encapsulate, there are drawbacks of quick access to information which are not limited to issue discussed above, I personally feel that Internet is acting as a double edged sword, we have come long way from what it was once invented with the intentions in mind.

I guess there are error in phrasing of conclusion. could be some more.

but this approach could fetch 7

could somebody please review my this essay ?

Hi
@H0peAndFa1th @cansha ,


I tried this same essay.. please check and let me know if i could score 7.5 for this attempt! desperately aiming for CLB 10 to increase my score 441(max I can score ! )
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nowadays, sophisticated devices have become a double-edged sword for
the society. Although there are myriads of benefits from its usage, there are various disadvantages
as well. This essay will discuss the pitfalls of using smart devices and discuss different perspectives around it.

To begin with, these smart devices have resulted into an indolent lifestyle
where everything is available by a touch of a button. For instance, there is no need
to go out to buy groceries or any household item, you can do that online via sites such as Amazon,
Thrive Market etc. This, in turn, is one of the many reasons to have reduced our basic
outdoor activities which has resulted in making us laziER.

Furthermore, it has been proved by scientists all around the world, that harmful
radiation is emitted from our smart phones, tablets,laptops which may lead to many
diseases like cancer, PCOS , etc. Moreover, the advancement of technology has also lead
to an increase in crime rates. This was illustrated by the recent survey held by the Delhi Police in India.
The survey clearly demonstrated a rise in crime such as- fraud, text and drive,kidnapping, etc,
in the last 15yrs due to increase in smart device usage.

Paradoxically, with the advent of technologically-advanced devices, the world has become
a smaller place where and its advantages certainly cannot be debunked. For example, connecting
with family and friends via applications such as facebook, whatsapp has become possible.
Also, a plethora of information is now available online with the help of Internet which was
not possible earlier.

In conclusion, even after many drawbacks of the smart devices which may lead to a rise in crime rates,
chronic diseases and an unhealthy lifestyle, its usage has certainly become a necessary evil in our
lives due to its immense benefits.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hi
@H0peAndFa1th @cansha ,


I tried this same essay.. please check and let me know if i could score 7.5 for this attempt! desperately aiming for CLB 10 to increase my score 441(max I can score ! )
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nowadays, sophisticated devices have become a double-edged sword for
the society.
this sentence does not provide full information about how, double-edged but how ? so it holds low value or no value.
Although there are myriads of benefits from its usage, there are various disadvantages
as well.
this sounds odd, make it better like :Undoubtedly there are myriad benefits of smart devices, however, various drawbacks can not be ignored as well.

This essay will discuss the pitfalls of using smart devices and discuss different perspectives around it.

To begin with, these smart devices have resulted into an indolent lifestyle
where everything is available by a touch of a button. For instance, there is no need
to go out to buy groceries or any household item, you [one] can do that online via sites such as Amazon,
Thrive Market etc. This, in turn, is one of the many reasons to have reduced our basic
outdoor activities which has resulted in making us lazier.

nice points and logic, vocab is good, C&C fine.

Furthermore, it has been proved by scientists all around the world, that harmful
radiation is emitted from our smart phones, tablets,laptops which may lead to many
diseases like cancer, PCOS , etc. Moreover, the advancement of technology has also lead
to an increase in crime rates. This was illustrated by the recent survey held by the Delhi Police in India.
The survey clearly demonstrated a rise in crime such as- fraud, text and drive,kidnapping, etc,
in the last 15yrs due to increase in smart device usage.

there are two ideas, no problem, Until you explain them fully.
"it has been proved by scientists all around the world" << this is extremely vague, So avoid it completely. NO-LOW-VALUE
change it to : researchers from oxford university found that
radiation = cancer, unexplained how and little far fetched, but weak eyesight, bad posture, sedentary lifestyle seems more plausible

This was illustrated by the recent survey = The survey clearly demonstrated [repeating yourself]
fraud, text and drive,kidnapping, < unexplained and far fetched.
change :
In a recent survey, Delhi Police found that excessive use of smart phones has become a major reason for rise in crime, Whether it is banking and ATM fraud or rampant fake lottery scams.

much logical, aint it ?

Paradoxically, with the advent of technologically-advanced devices, the world has become
a smaller place where and its advantages certainly cannot be debunked.
Vocab is there, but lacks in focus, or meat as I prefer to say, don't be philosophical, be a realist in an ielts essay.
For example, connecting
with family and friends via applications such as facebook, whatsapp has become possible.

Also, a plethora of information is now available online with the help of Internet which was
not possible earlier.
any use of info ?, why one would use it ? NO-LOW-VALUE

In conclusion, even after many drawbacks of the smart devices which may lead to a rise in crime rates,
chronic diseases and an unhealthy lifestyle, its usage has certainly become a necessary evil in our
lives due to its immense benefits.

sound philosophical again.
drop words like: many, very
immense benefits : what are those ?


what is clear
you can write english
you can make paragraphs
you can understand question
you can use topic vocab and other rare words, collocations, idioms,

What you can not do is :
you can say things without explaining them..
without giving reasons to them
without extending them


I strongly recommend you to read older reviews in this thread. believe me, I do make same mistakes as yours, and ended up getting 6.5 - so you better listen to me.


solution to your problem, explained.
https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-41#post-7271778

 

[Tech_girl123]

nice points and logic, vocab is good, C&C fine.


there are two ideas, no problem, Until you explain them fully.
"it has been proved by scientists all around the world" << this is extremely vague, So avoid it completely. NO-LOW-VALUE
change it to : researchers from oxford university found that
radiation = cancer, unexplained how and little far fetched, but weak eyesight, bad posture, sedentary lifestyle seems more plausible

This was illustrated by the recent survey = The survey clearly demonstrated [repeating yourself]
fraud, text and drive,kidnapping, < unexplained and far fetched.
change :
In a recent survey, Delhi Police found that excessive use of smart phones has become a major reason for rise in crime, Whether it is banking and ATM fraud or rampant fake lottery scams.

much logical, aint it ?




sound philosophical again.
drop words like: many, very
immense benefits : what are those ?


what is clear
you can write english
you can make paragraphs
you can understand question
you can use topic vocab and other rare words, collocations, idioms,

What you can not do is :
you can say things without explaining them..
without giving reasons to them
without extending them


I strongly recommend you to read older reviews in this thread. believe me, I do make same mistakes as yours, and ended up getting 6.5 - so you better listen to me.


solution to your problem, explained.
https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-41#post-7271778

thanks for the review... certainly an eye opener

 

[Moeedkh]

The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think this new century will bring?
Use examples and details in your answer.

21 Century has already begun and we are almost a quarter-way through this century. This century is expected to bring some drastic changes in the geopolitical environment of the world as well as lifestyle of the people. The significant advancements in internet and computing power coupled with research on alternative energy sources in the end of 20th of century, has set the stage for transformations, we are currently observing and expecting in future.

The advent of internet and computers are the two major inventions of last century, which can be attributed to dramatic changes we are expecting today. Such quick flow of information that is possible today due to high speed internet and rising computing power, has never been witnessed in the history of the world. This has opened doors for the widespread and quick dissemination of information which was previously confined to powerful quarters of the world. Similarly, enhancing computing power has given birth to virtual currencies, which cannot be controlled by any government or super-power. This prompt flow of information and completely independent financial system is surely expected to modify the political environment of the world along with lifestyle of general public.

Secondly, research on alternative energy is expected to meet a major break-through in 21st century. Oil reserves are depleting with the passage of time and their prices have reached to unprecedented levels. It has become inevitable for the world to identify and utilize alternate sources for energy. Research has been started since last century and many new sources has been identified such as Solar energy, Ethanol, Bio-fuels, wind energy and nuclear energy. All of this sources are already contributing in meeting the world energy requirements but their contribution is still very low. The on-going hustle in the research on these technologies is soon expected to bring improvement in their output and we will soon witness effective utilization of alternative energy sources.

To recapitulate, quick flow of information, autonomous financial system and a new oil for the world will shake the world from its roots and we can certainly expect dilution of power and a new way of living for the citizens of the world.

 

[Moeedkh]

An English-speaking friend wants to spend a two-week holiday in your region and has written asking for information and advice.
Write a letter to your friend. In your letter,
· offer to find somewhere to stay
· give advice about what to do
· give information about what clothes to bring
You should write at least 150 words.


Hi Winston,

Hope you are doing good. I am so excited to know your visit to Vancouver. I am sure we will have a great time once again. I am writing this letter to tell you about few things about my city in advance so that you can plan your trip in an better way.

First of all, accommodation is a bit expensive here, especially if someone tries to live near downtown. I can help you to rent an apartment in downtown which will be quite economical for you. Moreover, this city has so many offerings e.g. beautiful warm beaches, crowded clubs, lush green parks and many other site-seeing options. Besides, you can enjoy the delicious and economical food at famous fortress food street. I would advise you to bring some light clothes with you as it is generally not very cold here, so you might feel uncomfortable in warm clothes.

Let me know you need any futher information. Looking forward to your visit with great anticipation.

Regards,
AMK

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Hello everyone,
I've tried to attempt informal letter this time. Topic is same as @Moeedkh
Please help to improve my tone in informal letters and other mistakes if any.
Thanks in advance.

An English-speaking friend wants to spend a two-week holiday in your region and has written asking for information and advice. Write a letter to your friend. In your letter
· offer to find somewhere to stay
· give advice about what to do
· give information about what clothes to bring


You should write at least 150 words.



Dear Jack,

I’m pleased to know that you’re coming to Goa for a fourteen-day vacation and thank you for asking me about this excursion. I’m just writing this letter to give you some guidance with regards to your trip, which would be absolutely informative for you.

To begin with, I would be deliriously happy if you stay at my residence. Otherwise, I can arrange for a convenient and cost-effective guest house nearby my residence if you so wish.

My city offers multitude of places to pay a visit, ranging from white sandy beaches to first-rate restaurants full of finger-licking cuisines. Having said that, I recommend you a club, which must be on your bucket list while staying here, a Photography Club. As I ‘m aware that you are an avid photographer you will assuredly admire this place. Additionally, you can adore commercial nightlife of Goa with prominent trance parties.

One more thing, you don’t require to carry warm clothes, since the weather is tropical here most of the time. In addition, you can pack some loose beach wear t-shirts to cherish the ambiance of Goa in Goan style.

Please inform me well in advance so that I can pick you up at the airport and I’m sure we shall have a marvelous time catching up.

Yours truly,

Agam

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Ok look at 3:38 the introduction is nice! he actually gives glimpse of advantages and disadvantages in the introduction itself. I have been suggesting this here.

And at 5:54 suddenly there is a grammar error. Their changes to there in the first sentence ... ha ha ha ... Now I'm reviewing videos as well. I think i need to take a break from this thread!!

I did exactly the same in my previous essays I posted here. you can check and give suggestions. Thanks.