Please review my essay. Sorry for my bad handwriting.
First writing with pencil, buy a mechanical pencil with 0.5 mm lead.
>Its both sides discussion essay, avoid giving your own opinion in introduction, first discuss both sides then conclude with your own opinion, that just seems right.
BP 1
> some nations suppose that -- suppose is not right word here, they think, believe, feel etc
> no need of coma after that
> have many qualifications -- okay how many ??, again not a right word choice, use certain, appropriate, required etc
> In modern days > I don't think its right term or phrase to use here,
> gaining lots of advancement > doesn't feel right
> completing the study life > Life is life, there's no study life, it is period, a phase,
> every sector > talk about specific related to essay topic
> survey stated that > in a survey you found, discover, survey never state anything (in my opinion)
> women company position > again example is completely different from essay topic, should have stayed near military or police etc
> mentally and physically enough > ?? is this right language ?
your C and E looks the same, be careful they just need a chink in your Armour, look the words service, executed etc
BP 2
>first sentence > sorry can't make sense of it.
> integrity of household work > what ? senseless
> taking care common job > its essential job for them, common is totally wrong word here.
there are more,
for this one you can get 6 to 6.5 bands
you writing shows you know grammar, good rare words and can make sentence, but that is not enough for getting 7 or above, your essay shows that English is not your first language, you are writing as you are thinking in your first language. you are translating it to english, that's where our problem begins.
you have to read alot, read editorial essays, read line by line, see how they structure their sentences, you have to think in english to write better.