The long road ahead...

[AngelB]

Hello everyone.

My husband just returned to the U.S from his three week stay with me. It has been an incredibly difficult day, despite the fact he'll be back in 6-7 weeks. We are waiting on our FBI and police clearances so that we may send our application away.

It just amazes me how some of the people get through YEARS of being apart during this long, frustrating process. In my case, for us both to be able to work and save money for our home once he's approved we need to remain in our home countries. This is incredibly difficult, and to be honest I may just crack and try to go stay with him or convince him to come stay with me (We'll be outland spousal).
It's just so difficult to be away from the one you love so dearly, not knowing when you'll finally be able to start your life together and not knowing just how difficult the road ahead will be.

I, for one, have to worry about how long it will take for them to investigate his military background (despite the fact he was never deployed) as well as how long it will take for this FBI clearance to return... I've heard it's AT LEAST 13 weeks, which is really difficult to handle. I just went a 9 month period without seeing my husband, and I am really struggling with being away from him.

I was thinking some of us could use this thread to vent and discuss the difficulty in being away from our loved ones while we fight to bring each other together.

I am also seeking some advice and wisdom, especially in terms of coping or perhaps advice on my options from some experienced members.

Wishing the best the everyone on their journey. Stay strong!

- Angel

 

[can_usa_97]

I'm not experienced, but we intend on filing our application regardless of having police/FBI Clearances because they take so long (for some it seems) you could have sponsorship approved in that time and from what I"ve read on the board in others questions/posts. They won't be even touching that part (the Fingerprint/police) for the spouse until the file arrives in it's 2nd stop.

 

[Dayanara]

My husband and I are only 2 hours apart (he is in Buffalo, NY and I am in Brampton, ON) and we still have a hard time saying good-bye on weekends. I left his place yesterday and am considering another trip down this weekend just because of how hard it has been getting the closer and closer we get to us being able to live together finally.

We too are waiting on his FBI check to come in. We have everything else, just waiting on that before we submit it in. Our lawyer has recommended we not send it in without it, as she has seen it sometimes cause issues if not all together (not always, but it can happen).

 

[AngelB]

Yeah... I am struggling to keep myself together most of the time. It just seems way too difficult to be away from him for so long. And the knowledge that this could take months and months just seems unbearable. I feel a little hopeless, at a loss for what I can do.

 

[Dayanara]

I am in the same boat, believe me. I hate feeling like I have no control, and the fact is, I don't.

 

[bobshynoswife]

I live in Alberta and my husband lives in Nigeria.

When we first started dating he lived in London which made it a bit easier for me to see him. Flights were only half the cost, and I could be there on a direct 9 hour flight. I was able to visit him 7 times while we were dating, and the longest stretch apart was 4 months. Now that he's back living in Nigeria (UK denied his student visa renewal, forcing him to leave with only 2 months left to complete his Masters degree!), things are much more difficult. Flights are around $2500 and it takes a day and a half to get there which is difficult when I only have a week's vacation!

Leaving him on May 2 after our wedding and honeymoon was insanely difficult. Especially knowing that I likely won't see him again until January, although now I am saving money and trying to squeeze in a week's holiday in October. In our 2 year relationship we have spent 55 glorious days with each other, and 55 nights sleeping in each other's arms.

Due to his citizenship he has never been able to come to Canada. He has not met my family, or his step-children who he loves very much. We communicate daily on Skype which makes things easier, but it still sucks. I miss holding his hand, kissing and touching each other, and yes, I miss making love to him very much! (it's just not the same on Skype...lol)

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!!!

 

[AngelB]

and yes, I miss making love to him very much! (it's just not the same on Skype...lol)

Haha! That made me laugh, and since I've been crying all day I really appreciate it!

It is extremely difficult, and we are all so fortunate to have things like Skype. But it's just not the same. I don't know if everyone is like me, but I am not a person of solitude. I hate being alone, and spent every minute of the past three weeks by my husband's side. I absolutely can't stand being away from him after 3 weeks of nothing but him.

I would visit often, seeing as flights are $300, 4 hour long flights.. but between work it's difficult. Not enough. Never enough.

 

[sogwap]

Count me in as one of the frustrated ones. I met my new wife three years ago, and we both made many trips back and forth.

Skype was a lifesaver of sorts. We did private video, and countless hours of voice and text chatting.
After numerous trips by both of us I moved from the States to Canada in Aug 2009, we got married in Oct 2009.

I left everything to be with my new Canadian bride. Unfortunately she been angry that I have not found (or been able to) work and support her. I am currently waiting for the FBI, so that I can file for PR.

Even sadder even though I've been here with my new Canadian wife for 10 months, I have not been able to support her, and she recently has said she is hesitant to sponsor me. We are currently separated because of the stress, seeing each other on weekends, just like before. I would just go back to the States, and work until immigration was all sorted out, but I'm not sure I would come back as the underlying stress has been so damaging to both of us. :'(

 

[bobshynoswife]

sogwap - I am so, so, so sorry that your relationship is in so much turmoil due to you not being able to work. It does make you wonder though, how your wife will deal with other issues that come up in marriage. The vows are "For better and for worse, for richer and for poorer" and I think sometimes people don't really think about those words when they say it. Yes, you cannot work and that is stressful, but you are both healthy and living with the one you love.

I would give ANYTHING for my husband to be here with me not working, rather than working in Nigeria, unable to come on a visitor's visa. Even if he had to be here for 3 years while I fully supported him, it would be preferable to spending this year of sponsorship apart. Perhaps your wife has forgotten that it truly is worse to be apart than to have to live on one income. You moving back to the US might help her realize this. If she doesn't, then I would say you've dodged a bullet.

I hope this didn't sound harsh, I really am sorry for what you are going through.

 

[sogwap]

Thanks

Perhaps your wife has forgotten that it truly is worse to be apart than to have to live on one income. You moving back to the US might help her realize this. If she doesn't, then I would say you've dodged a bullet.

I hope this didn't sound harsh, I really am sorry for what you are going through.

Actually this time apart has shown her that she does not want to be alone. Me either.

As for the many men and women apart like yourself, my heart goes out to you. In many cases you have no choice but to wait with a heart the cannot be completely filled.

Love is a quite a thing, what a man or woman will do to satisfy the love need in our lives. I basically burnt my bridge to get here. If I went back I would have to start over again, which is what I did coming here.

 

[MizzCanAm]

I too am just starting the long road ahead. I will be going to get fingerprints done this week to send them off while I work on getting all my paperwork together and get the apps filled out. I am from the US (New York) and my sponsor is Canadian. We met our common law status last year (we met it by me being out of status) and I was under the impression that I had to have legal status for the year in order to file as common law. Now that I know as long as we got our year together, I can start the process. Actually I was extremely lucky as when I left Canada to go back to the US, they never asked how long I was in Canada. (The IO asked citizenship, I said US, then he asked purpose of trip, I said I was visiting my boyfriend, and then he asked if I had anything I was bringing back, and I said no as I wasn't bringing anything back with me except my luggage. He let me go after that. Now I wasn't about to offer any extra information than what he asked, so I was out of there as fast as I could drive away - LOL)

I am currently in Canada visiting on a visitor record as the last two times I came to visit, I got pulled in for secondary inspection. This last time I was given a 3 month visit, and I was just planning on extending it. It's been a hard road for me trying to get my common law status as I have to frequently go back to the states and help out with my mother who has Rheumatoid Arthritis very bad and she cares for my Grandmother (who has Alzheimers) that lives with us since my Grandfather passed away in Feb of 2007. So when she needs me, she calls and I go to the states to help her. It's been hard since 2007 with my grandmother living with my parents, my Dad's job had him working in New York City which was 7 hours away from home so he would stay in New York City for the week and then drive home for the weekend. So if my mom needed help, I really had no choice but to go back to the states and help. And then at the beginning of this year, my Grandmother fell off the front steps at my moms and broke her leg. I was just glad to get in my year before this happened. So lately the back and forth has been difficult. Now things are finally starting to settle down as my dad no longer works so far away (his work got him another job that was closer - only 1 1/2 away now) and my grandmother is getting well and my mom doesn't require all the help she did when my grandmother first came home from the hospital. I was planning on extending my stay this time, but due to having to fill out more papers for my divorce in the states, I have to go back and get that taken care of.

I am thankful that even tho we are countries apart, my common law partner and I are only 3 hours apart. It's still hard not being together when I have to go back to the states. We usually use Yahoo to chat with each other while we are apart. When I am in the states, my mom has free long distance to Canada and in Canada calls to the US are only .09 cents a minute. I feel for those of you who have to spend days and even months apart from their loved ones. It feels nice to be able to have someone to talk to who is going through this very long process. Good luck everyone, hopes the process goes smooth for all of you as well as myself. ;D

 

[Cdagal]

There is something so very, very wrong with finally finding the person you are meant to spend your life with, marrying them, and then leaving them behind. It never gets easier and it never will. And the thought that our future depends on getting someone we do not know to understand what we mean to each other is terrifying to say the least. Every minute of every day I feel like I go through the motions of my day, but in reality, all I am ever doing is waiting for my Abidemi. As for how to cope for the next months to come...your guess is as good as mine

 

[AngelB]

There is something so very, very wrong with finally finding the person you are meant to spend your life with, marrying them, and then leaving them behind. It never gets easier and it never will. And the thought that our future depends on getting someone we do not know to understand what we mean to each other is terrifying to say the least. Every minute of every day I feel like I go through the motions of my day, but in reality, all I am ever doing is waiting for my Abidemi. As for how to cope for the next months to come...your guess is as good as mine

Very well said. It is incredibly wrong, and I share the same fear. It is absolutely terrifying indeed. I feel as though I am trying to get through hours at a time.

If anyone does have methods of coping that have worked for them, please share.

 

[missmyhoney]

i never cared being alone before but living these days away from my loving husband made me realize what alone really means. scary, without direction, life not worth living...getting through each day without him has been a very difficult task. remembering our goodbye days makes me cry in an instant and long for him so much more. whoever said that timeless quote "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and short of saying he/she is alone sure knows what he/she was saying, but i pray that we all don't go timeless too but have a time limit for that and being apart from our love ones...please please please. even count dracula lived on with partners, or is that unlived on ;D ;D

 

[boyee6576]

The longest I went from seeing my husband before we were married was two years. He is in India and flights are expensive to go often. We thought we would go insane. Saying good bye and crying and not able to stop the tears and never knowing when we would be in each others arms again was enough to make us depressed. Now its close to our second anniversay (aug 14) and we dont know if he will be here for that or not. Its been a tough road and it feels as if someone has hit the pause button and we are suspended waiting for something to happen where we can finally move forward in the same country and have a life beyond the monitor. Its that strenght of your love that keeps you going. When I feel down he lifts me up and when he is down I lift him, its living in hope and a deep love that no IO can see in a letter or in a picture or essay. They dont see our tears we cry or the sleepless nights feeling lonely and praying to God this is over with soon. Its having a love worth fighting for and never haveing the thought of it being to hard and giving up. Giving up is not an option for us. We are both fighters and anything good doesnt always come easy but sure is worth fighting for