Interesting twist this thread has taken. Ok, I'll put in my 2 cents. To deegirl, I'm so sorry that your marriage is not working out and that you feel that you may have been used. No matter what the reason(s), the ending of a marriage is so difficult and I'm so sorry for your pain.
My husband has been in Canada with me for 8 months now. We will celebrate our two year wedding anniversary next month. We have lived less than half of our married life together so far. So even though we were married for more than a year when he arrived in Canada, we had to start over like newlyweds. And it was not easy. It's still a work in progress like all marriages are BUT those of us who choose to marry into another culture/religion also must add these differences to the long list of relationship issues to overcome. Adapting to the culture in Canada has not been easy for my husband. Things that seem minor to me are bigger to him and vice versa. These issues come as a surprise to both of us. He never thought he would encounter such things and I never thought they would be a problem. I'll give you an example. Hugging. It's normal for me and my friends/family (male and female) to hug each other hello and goodbye. My husband HATES when my male friends hug me in front of him. He sees it as an insult to him, as my husband. Why, he says. Why do they have to touch you? I tell him it's normal here, that's how we say hello and goodbye, it means nothing. I won't get into detail about the battles that ensued over this but it has taken a lot of arguements and tears to get us to a place where we are both understanding where the other comes from, both trying to adapt and be aware of the others feelings, and trying to accept things that are cultural that we can't change. I can't change his Moroccan upbringing and just like he can't change my Canadian programming. So compromise, patience and communication about our feelings have become key to our survival in this marriage. Luckily, we both put in the effort because we really do love each other very much. We've discovered that rather than trying to make the other person bend to our will, each of us giving a little and compromising on each issue has given us more positive results.
But all of this is an exercise in patience. And it could have gone either way at times. But that is the way relationships are in general. The other thing I can say for SURE is that what my husband believed living and working in Canada would be like and the REALITY of what is really is has been so different!!! He would be the first one to tell any Moroccan on here that life in Morocco is easier than it is in Canada. That doesn't mean better, just easier. He had no idea that life was so expensive here even though I told him. It was one of those things he had to experience for himself. Even what we value and are interested in is different. It drove him crazy that when he would meet new people here in Canada, practically the 2nd question he would be asked was "So, what do you do for a living?" My Canadian friends on this board will say it's a normal question. My husband's view was that it was too personal and he couldn't understand why they wanted to know this or why he would be judged on this. Right or wrong, that's how it is here.
Getting the visa is just one challenge any couple here will overcome. It does not lead to "happily ever after". It leads to more challenges which is completely normal for any married couple. Mixed marriages like this add extra challenges to the pile. That's the truth. But now I know a couple of things for sure. First is that our marriage is based on love and common values, not a visa. Second is that if our marriage were to fail, it would be because we couldn't overcome our challenges and find common ground where we could both live happily. Whether it's cultural differences that could lead to that, who's to say? But that is the case for us. It's not the case for all.
For right now, we are happily a work in progress living one day at a time and hoping to continue to conquer the next day together.
