Sponsored husband not ready to work OR pay child support

[jcurtsy]

Hello Kaibigan,
First of all, thankyou very much for this detailed answer.
To answer your questions, both of us are around 40 years of age. As fas as education and English level are concerned, both of us are educated in India in English medium schools, which means we both could easily communicate in English when we were in high school (almost 3 decades ago). He is internationally educated with a Masters degree. There is literally nothing that stops him from getting a job. It won't necessarily be a white-collar job. However, he can easily start with any part-time job that he can get, which will help our family big time. That is how all the millions of immigrant Engineers and doctors start their life here in Canada. He should NOT be an exception. After all, he is not from the "Crown family". We call it "survival job", meaning the job that helps you survive until you get a job according to your education. The decision to have a second child was mine, since I wanted my son to have a sibling so that he doesn't have to live like an orphan. We don't have any relatives in Canada, which will make my son kind of an orphan after I am gone, if not having a sibling. Whenever we had discussion about him going to job, he made random excuses and said he will do it tomorrow, next week etc. That "next week" didn't come yet, even though 1.5 years went by!

Thank you very much for your answer and taking time to pen down the info that you have.

It would be interesting to know what is this man's age, education, work experience, English facility, etc. It would also be interesting to know what has transpired in all the time you have been together, including the decision to have a second child. Was there never any discussion about him becoming productive?

 

[steaky]

Hi steaky,
I believe you misread my post! My question was not "whose fault it was". Please read my post once again to see all those sentences that ends up with a question mark! (especially the questions numbered 1,2,3) Those are the ones that you need to answer!

By the way, steaky, do you live in the real world? How many people (or what percentage of the population) who says "yes/I do" to different questions, keep their word after marriage?

Thankyou for your time, though!

Yes, thank you for your question, I'm living in the real world.

Being a single child is definitely not the same as an orphan. Both you and your husband are still living. Is your husband take care of the baby, household chores while you are working? If so, he is a home maker (although he has a master degree)..

If you have networks, have you tried to get him jobs? Or he rather be a stay-at-home dad?

 

[YVR123]

Yes, thank you for your question, I'm living in the real world.

Being a single child is definitely not the same as an orphan. Both you and your husband are still living. Is your husband take care of the baby, household chores while you are working? If so, he is a home maker (although he has a master degree)..

If you have networks, have you tried to get him jobs? Or he rather be a stay-at-home dad?

I agree with you. If OP's husband agrees to be a stay-at-home dad, that's OK too. It will lower the cost of child care and OP can continue to work.
He can take up cleaning, cooking and caring for the kids and OP can develop her career without worrying her kids and dropping off and pickup them up from daycares.

 

[jcurtsy]

You still did not give answer to any of my questions in my original post and you continue giving opinion about my personal matters.
Thankyou for your effort though.

Yes, thank you for your question, I'm living in the real world.

Being a single child is definitely not the same as an orphan. Both you and your husband are still living. Is your husband take care of the baby, household chores while you are working? If so, he is a home maker (although he has a master degree)..

If you have networks, have you tried to get him jobs? Or he rather be a stay-at-home dad?

 

[steaky]

You still did not give answer to any of my questions in my original post and you continue giving opinion about my personal matters.
Thankyou for your effort though.

I thought I gave you suggestion about your question "3) How can I get him to pay atleast some money ?" You can read my sentences ended with question marks "?" too!

 

[jcurtsy]

It is NOT ok! All the four of us are living in one bedroom because we cannot afford to have more rooms! All the other rooms in my house are rented out, even though it is a small condo that has only one kitchen, because I cannot put food on the table otherwise! It is NOT OK! Putting a 1 year old in the same room as the new born, and the 1 year old trying to pull the new born baby thinking that it is a toy, is also not OK!
I will be getting EI for the next 12 months. Even if I go for work, since I am doing minimum wage ($15) job, I would just get a few dollars more than my EI. (Just in case you don't know, you stop getting EI, when you work 35 hours or more in a week). If my husband goes for job now, I can take care of the kids while collecting EI.
Let us put this into numbers, as follows.
When I go to work, I get an average of 35 hours per week (I was doing two part-time jobs at minimum wage during my pregnancy to get this 35 hours. I worked till the week before my due date). So my monthly average gross salary was approximately $2275. After tax, I get approx. $1700 in my hand.
When I am on EI, I get $1400 per month in my hand, which means I am getting only $300 more than when I am working.
If my husband goes to work for 35 hours, he will be able to get $1700 in hand after taxes.

To summarize, when my husband stays at home, and I go to work, our family's monthly income is $1700.
When my husband goes to work, and I stay at home on EI, our family's monthly income is $1700+$1400=$3100. I can take one more room for our family, if he goes to work.

(Note: Usually men can get a lot more than $15/hour. They can get jobs in fields like construction or mechanical work and they can easily get $20/hour)

If OP's husband agrees to be a stay-at-home dad, that's OK too. It will lower the cost of child care and OP can continue to work.

 

[jcurtsy]

I thought I gave you suggestion about your question "3) How can I get him to pay atleast some money ?" You can read my sentences ended with question marks "?" too!

1) You did NOT give any suggestion to get money from him.
2) Anyone can easily see the whataboutery that you stick to. Since I don't have time for that, I am not going to reply to any of your further comments.

 

[steaky]

Great job victim blaming.

The stay-at-home-dad was the victim.

 

[Naturgrl]

It is NOT ok! All the four of us are living in one bedroom because we cannot afford to have more rooms! All the other rooms in my house are rented out, even though it is a small condo that has only one kitchen, because I cannot put food on the table otherwise! It is NOT OK! Putting a 1 year old in the same room as the new born, and the 1 year old trying to pull the new born baby thinking that it is a toy, is also not OK!
I will be getting EI for the next 12 months. Even if I go for work, since I am doing minimum wage ($15) job, I would just get a few dollars more than my EI. (Just in case you don't know, you stop getting EI, when you work 35 hours or more in a week). If my husband goes for job now, I can take care of the kids while collecting EI.
Let us put this into numbers, as follows.
When I go to work, I get an average of 35 hours per week (I was doing two part-time jobs at minimum wage during my pregnancy to get this 35 hours. I worked till the week before my due date). So my monthly average gross salary was approximately $2275. After tax, I get approx. $1700 in my hand.
When I am on EI, I get $1400 per month in my hand, which means I am getting only $300 more than when I am working.
If my husband goes to work for 35 hours, he will be able to get $1700 in hand after taxes.

To summarize, when my husband stays at home, and I go to work, our family's monthly income is $1700.
When my husband goes to work, and I stay at home on EI, our family's monthly income is $1700+$1400=$3100. I can take one more room for our family, if he goes to work.

(Note: Usually men can get a lot more than $15/hour. They can get jobs in fields like construction or mechanical work and they can easily get $20/hour)

You are in such a difficult situation. If you want your husband to work, you must convince him to do. There is no obligation for him to work if he doesn’t want to. Tell him it will get him out of the house and meeting new people and having some money to go for dinner or do something fun. Or tell him it is time to support his family. Not sure it will work because he doesn’t seem to care.

Do you and your husband have savings because your EI and then next year full-time salary cannot be covering living expenses especially with two babies in diapers and if you have a car?

However, the issue I see with your calculations is who takes care of the kids if you are both working? Childcare for two infants is really expensive. Are you on any wait list? Most centres, you go in 5 days a week or maybe 3. You cannot find a daycare that is one day a week for one week and the next week two days. You need to calculate how much daycare costs and then deduct from an income where you are both working full-time. Your income may only cover the daycare costs.

You still may not be able to get rid of a tenant with your scenario. Again you need to calculate child care costs.

This is going to sound really sh***ty for you but what happens if you go back to work before your EI ends. Even just a few hours a week. Then he has to take care of the kids if you go to work. If he has to stay home with the kids, it may get his ass in gear to go to work. He may hate it.

You want suggestion on how to get him to go to work, but there are not legal ways to do so if you are married. And even if you separate/divorce then you will not get anything in child or spousal support if he has no job/income.

 

[jcurtsy]

However, the issue I see with your calculations is who takes care of the kids if you are both working? Childcare for two infants is really expensive. Are you on any wait list? Most centres, you go in 5 days a week or maybe 3. You cannot find a daycare that is one day a week for one week and the next week two days. You need to calculate how much daycare costs and then deduct from an income where you are both working full-time. Your income may only cover the daycare costs.

The monthly day care cost in our nearby daycare is only $290 for infant under 12 months of age. This amount becomes slightly less every year as the child goes up in age. The maximum amount of daycare for my two kids is $600/month. The rest of it is given by government directly to the daycare centre via different types of grants. (Day care grants increased drastically in 2022. Thanks to Trudeau?) The daycare works from 6am to 6pm, Monday through Friday. I can send the kids anyday anytime during their working hours.

When I was pregnant and was working in 2022, I sent my older kid to that daycare for two months, because my husband said he wants to take some free online training to get a job. I spent about $290/month for two months (=$580) to send the kid. My husband took the training(?? he told me he did!), but he did not apply for any job! So I lost additional money in that process!

 

[Naturgrl]

The monthly day care cost in our nearby daycare is only $290 for infant under 12 months of age. This amount becomes slightly less every year as the child goes up in age. The maximum amount of daycare for my two kids is $600/month. The rest of it is given by government directly to the daycare centre via different types of grants. (Day care grants increased drastically in 2022. Thanks to Trudeau?) The daycare works from 6am to 6pm, Monday through Friday. I can send the kids anyday anytime during their working hours.

When I was pregnant and was working in 2022, I sent my older kid to that daycare for two months, because my husband said he wants to take some free online training to get a job. I spent about $290/month for two months (=$580) to send the kid. My husband took the training(?? he told me he did!), but he did not apply for any job! So I lost additional money in that process!

At least you have spots for both your children and are not on a waiting list. However you need to include that in your budgeting. So you paid for day care, and he sat at home all day…WOW. Honestly there is not much you can do if he refuses to work. He is mooching off of you, and there is nothing you can do. If you kick him out and legally separate, he will most likely go on welfare which you are on the hook for. Also you are the primary breadwinner, so he will not pay you any child support. He seems to know what he is doing to live in your condo without lifting a finger.

Maybe you want to contact Calgary Legal Guidance - https://clg.ab.ca/ - for advice.

 

[MJSPARV]

So sorry to hear of your situation @jcurtsy. I have no immigration/legal advice. Just wanted to say first of all that I'm so sad for you reading this. What a difficult situation. As a mom of two small kids myself, I know just how challenging life with 2 kids 2 and under is, even without the additional stress you have.

Second, and forgive me for being perhaps impertinent in asking - has your husband been screened for depression by a doctor? The lack of motivation you've described reminds me a lot of a couple of close family members who have had depression. If he doesn't have a family physician, presumably your kids do and concerns about depression in their dad and asking for resources on getting him screened is absolutely something their doctor should be willing to help you with. (And should have resources/info for you on how to try to get him screened even if he doesn't want to talk about it.)

Best wishes, and I hope things improve for you one way or another.

 

[jcurtsy]

Yes, he is very knowledgeable of the law (even though his education has no relation to law/legal matters).
He clearly knows what he is doing and seems to know that he is safe at least until the end of my sponsorship!!

Honestly there is not much you can do if he refuses to work. .. If you kick him out and legally separate, he will most likely go on welfare which you are on the hook for. Also you are the primary breadwinner, so he will not pay you any child support. He seems to know what he is doing to live in your condo without lifting a finger.

 

[jcurtsy]

Maybe you have friends/family able to help or you are able to work from home, or able to take kids to work.

No, we don't have anyone who can help.

We don't have any relatives here in Canada. I will be 70 years when my son is 30 years. So if I die at 70, I didn't want my son to live like an orphan. I am glad he has a sibling who he can count on, when he is in trouble. for example, if he is in a situation like the one that I am in right now (I sincerely pray that he will not have to face things like this. But life can be pretty difficult sometimes).
I immigrated to Canada under federal skilled worker category about 10 years ago. I did not know anyone in Canada, when I landed here. Within the first 24 hours after landing, I started my initial paperwork like SIN number, bank accounts, IDs, healthcard, library account etc. Immediately after the initial formalities, I printed out 25 resumes from the public library and distributed my resumes in the nearby shopping mall on DAY 7. I got only one call from the 25 resumes. That was an interview call. I started working my first job on DAY 10 after landing and I initially got 20 hours per week. While keeping that job, I continued looking for additional jobs, and I got a second job with another 20 hours in the second month after landing. I then understood that the money from 40 hours of work was not enough for savings ( I was doing minimum wage jobs). So while keeping the two jobs, I looked for a third job to work at nights and I found one in the third month. I worked three part-time jobs for a total of about 65 hours per week during my first year. (At one point, I took a fourth job, but could not continue after two weeks since I could not reach the employer on time, because of the schedule requirements of the other three jobs that I was already having. So I gave up the 4th job, after two weeks of trial) Because I was juggling three jobs at the same time, and I was taking all the hours that my employers would give me, sometimes I worked 36 hours at a stretch without sleep, and was travelling by bus from one job to another without going home. I had a toothpaste and brush in my bag at that time, since I won't have time to go home during those 36 hours. I bought an old-car 2.5 months after landing. I bought my condo after two years from my landing date (of course, on mortgage). This is how immigrants start their life. I don't understand/believe/ I cannot imagine what my husband is doing, compared to what I was doing 10 years ago.

Working from home or taking kids to work, doesn't solve the big issue at my home. We need additional money. Please read my other comments explaining our financial situation.

 

[Naturgrl]

No, we don't have anyone who can help.

We don't have any relatives here in Canada. I will be 70 years when my son is 30 years. So if I die at 70, I didn't want my son to live like an orphan. I am glad he has a sibling who he can count on, when he is in trouble. for example, if he is in a situation like the one that I am in right now (I sincerely pray that he will not have to face things like this. But life can be pretty difficult sometimes).
I immigrated to Canada under federal skilled worker category about 10 years ago. I did not know anyone in Canada, when I landed here. Within the first 24 hours after landing, I started my initial paperwork like SIN number, bank accounts, IDs, healthcard, library account etc. Immediately after the initial formalities, I printed out 25 resumes from the public library and distributed my resumes in the nearby shopping mall on DAY 7. I got only one call from the 25 resumes. That was an interview call. I started working my first job on DAY 10 after landing and I initially got 20 hours per week. While keeping that job, I continued looking for additional jobs, and I got a second job with another 20 hours in the second month after landing. I then understood that the money from 40 hours of work was not enough for savings ( I was doing minimum wage jobs). So while keeping the two jobs, I looked for a third job to work at nights and I found one in the third month. I worked three part-time jobs for a total of about 65 hours per week during my first year. (At one point, I took a fourth job, but could not continue after two weeks since I could not reach the employer on time, because of the schedule requirements of the other three jobs that I was already having. So I gave up the 4th job, after two weeks of trial) Because I was juggling three jobs at the same time, and I was taking all the hours that my employers would give me, sometimes I worked 36 hours at a stretch without sleep, and was travelling by bus from one job to another without going home. I had a toothpaste and brush in my bag at that time, since I won't have time to go home during those 36 hours. I bought an old-car 2.5 months after landing. I bought my condo after two years from my landing date (of course, on mortgage). This is how immigrants start their life. I don't understand/believe/ I cannot imagine what my husband is doing, compared to what I was doing 10 years ago.

Working from home or taking kids to work, doesn't solve the big issue at my home. We need additional money. Please read my other comments explaining our financial situation.

We understand what you are saying but there is nothing we can do. You have worked hard but he needs to step up. You need to tell him to get a job. The government or the courts are not going to tell him to get a job. He doesn’t have to work if he doesn’t want to. He knows what he is doing. Do you want to stay married? Do you want to get him out of your home? If so talk to Calgary Free Legal services (provided the link).

Your kids are your priority so you need to decide what is best for you and them. Maybe you have to return to work if he isn’t going to get a job. For many EI isn’t enough so they can’t take 12 months off. I would leave the kids with him when you go back to work, and maybe he will go out and get a job rather then stay at home.

At 30, your child will not be an orphan. Also if your husband is alive then not an orphan. Your children may not even live in the same city, province or country. They may only talk to one another every few weeks. By 30, your kids may be married with their own families. Why should your older son rely on your younger son when they are in their 30s. You say if your older son gets in trouble your younger son will be there. You say if your older son needs help the younger one will be there? What about the other way around? Maybe your younger son doesn’t want to be responsible for the older one.