Sponsor wife wants to divorce.

[shells]

Buiatti,

I have a feeling that you never lived with your wife before you got married. Dating or going out with each other, or even going for vacations together is very different from living together. When you live together over a period of time, all the habits or true colors come out. Yet, in very conservative families or cultures, you are not supposed to live together till you get married. It is considered by older generations as improper, immoral, etc... By the time you got married, you are getting this huge shock you never saw coming. You think that she "changed" after marriage. I'm thinking, maybe she was already like this before you guys got married, you just never saw that side of her (since you never lived with her).

My fiance said too, he will never be able to bring himself to marry a woman knowing that he will have to assist in taking care of her kids from a previous marriage. Not many men are noble enough to do that, especially not if you don't truly love her.

Violence is definitely more common than you think among women. Children brings out the worse in women. I've witnessed women who slap and scold very degrading comments to their kids because they misbehave or don't eat their meals, etc... but who am I to criticize them when I don't even have kids of my own? Would I do this one day myself should I have kids?? I don't know either.

 

[MissDominica]

But that's exactly what he's doing. A few days after getting PR, he suddenly wants a divorce.

He said his wife is threatening divorce, assaulting him, and threatening to try to take his PR (which she can't) because she says no he's a fraud. Going by what the OP wrote, it is the wife who wants out of the relationship.

Now, we all know anyone can post things on here that are untrue and he could very well be the one wanting the divorce since he now has PR. But if we look at what the OP actually said to be true, its her that wants out and is crying foul about a fake relationship. If they've been together since 2011, she should have figured that out by now. If she had a speck of doubt, she should not have sponsored him. She did. He's PR. SHE wants the divorce and for him to pay for it with his PR. If she'd done her research before signing those papers, she would know that's not how it works. But instead she wants to cry foul when her marriage dissolves and that (in my opinion) is what causes us delays. People crying foul when they signed up for this risk from the beginning.

Again, I'm not saying the OP is innocent (I do not know if he secretly wants a divorce or did things to make HER want one). But if we stuck to what he wrote, then I don't think its his fault we wait longer. And now there is the new 2 year rule, to keep messes like this from getting messier. Let's hope.

 

[amikety]

Buiatti,

I have a feeling that you never lived with your wife before you got married. Dating or going out with each other, or even going for vacations together is very different from living together. When you live together over a period of time, all the habits or true colors come out. Yet, in very conservative families or cultures, you are not supposed to live together till you get married. It is considered by older generations as improper, immoral, etc... By the time you got married, you are getting this huge shock you never saw coming. You think that she "changed" after marriage. I'm thinking, maybe she was already like this before you guys got married, you just never saw that side of her (since you never lived with her).

My fiance said too, he will never be able to bring himself to marry a woman knowing that he will have to assist in taking care of her kids from a previous marriage. Not many men are noble enough to do that, especially not if you don't truly love her.

Violence is definitely more common than you think among women. Children brings out the worse in women. I've witnessed women who slap and scold very degrading comments to their kids because they misbehave or don't eat their meals, etc... but who am I to criticize them when I don't even have kids of my own? Would I do this one day myself should I have kids?? I don't know either.

I've found all of your posts on this thread very good, insightful, and helpful.

I must agree with your husband. I wouldn't be interested in raising children from another relationship, even on a part time basis.

In addition, with my parents, the only one who was ever violent towards me was my mother. Dad threatened, but never followed through. Mom didn't mind making good on her promises. (And CIC will wonder why I didn't invite them to my wedding...)

 

[shells]

I've found all of your posts on this thread very good, insightful, and helpful.

I must agree with your husband. I wouldn't be interested in raising children from another relationship, even on a part time basis.

In addition, with my parents, the only one who was ever violent towards me was my mother. Dad threatened, but never followed through. Mom didn't mind making good on her promises. (And CIC will wonder why I didn't invite them to my wedding...)

I come from a very conservative Chinese family background myself (but being an only child with a stubborn personality, when I want it my way, I will do it - regardless of what anyone says). I wanted independence badly. My parents were upset I did not listen to them by moving overseas by myself (they wanted me to live with them at home until I got married / till the day they died - whichever came sooner). So I could definitely see that if you had a very conservative upbringing, moving out or living together before marriage is out of the question. Ironically, how else would you know if you will be a good fit with your future spouse?

When I was a kid back in the 80s, my mum was the violent one to whip me with a cane.. haha! I was a naughty kid, and you could buy those thin rattan canes for like 60 cents. I had marks all over my body from those caning and was embarrassed to go to school, and always cried when she did that. But even though I'm stubborn, I never bear grudges for long. She did that out of love for me, didn't want me to become a bad kid. We talk at least once to twice a week on the phone nowadays (and selfishly saying, I actually love her more than I love my dad)

 

[saint4peace]

I come from a very conservative Chinese family background myself (but being an only child with a stubborn personality, when I want it my way, I will do it - regardless of what anyone says). I wanted independence badly. My parents were upset I did not listen to them by moving overseas by myself (they wanted me to live with them at home until I got married / till the day they died - whichever came sooner). So I could definitely see that if you had a very conservative upbringing, moving out or living together before marriage is out of the question. Ironically, how else would you know if you will be a good fit with your future spouse?
When I was a kid back in the 80s, my mum was the violent one to whip me with a cane.. haha! I was a naughty kid, and you could buy those thin rattan canes for like 60 cents. I had marks all over my body from those caning and was embarrassed to go to school, and always cried when she did that. But even though I'm stubborn, I never bear grudges for long. She did that out of love for me, didn't want me to become a bad kid. We talk at least once to twice a week on the phone nowadays (and selfishly saying, I actually love her more than I love my dad)

*******************************************************************************

Hi shells: "We talk at least once to twice a week on the phone nowadays (and selfishly saying, I actually love her more than I love my dad)". You just wrote my mind. Thank you shell.

 

[tuyen]

He said his wife is threatening divorce, assaulting him, and threatening to try to take his PR (which she can't) because she says no he's a fraud. Going by what the OP wrote, it is the wife who wants out of the relationship.

He also said his wife is ASKING for a divorce, in addition to THREATENING a divorce (two completely opposite things which are inconsistent with each other), in addition to her putting a knife to his throat (which is what removed all doubt from my mind that his whole story is B.S.) Oh, and just by pure coincidence, ALL of this is happening just a few DAYS after he received his PR, which he's afraid of losing. Come on.

And if all that wasn't enough, the fact that his wife isn't here to give HER side of the story just reinforces my gut instinct that nothing he's saying should be believed.

If she was such a bad person and - according to him - she's been violent for a long time, then don't you find it just a LITTLE bit convenient that he left the house just mere DAYS after receiving his PR? She's been so violent the whole time, yet he didn't leave six months ago...or five months ago...or four months ago, or three months ago, etc etc. He waited until a few days after he got his permanent resident status before leaving her. As I said in a previous post which was deleted: I believe in coincidences, but not THOSE kinds of coincidences.

 

[MissDominica]

He also said his wife is ASKING for a divorce, in addition to THREATENING a divorce (two completely opposite things which are inconsistent with each other), in addition to her putting a knife to his throat (which is what removed all doubt from my mind that his whole story is B.S.) Oh, and just by pure coincidence, ALL of this is happening just a few DAYS after he received his PR, which he's afraid of losing. Come on.

And if all that wasn't enough, the fact that his wife isn't here to give HER side of the story just reinforces my gut instinct that nothing he's saying should be believed.

If she was such a bad person and - according to him - she's been violent for a long time, then don't you find it just a LITTLE bit convenient that he left the house just mere DAYS after receiving his PR? She's been so violent the whole time, yet he didn't leave six months ago...or five months ago...or four months ago, or three months ago, etc etc. He waited until a few days after he got his permanent resident status before leaving her. As I said in a previous post which was deleted: I believe in coincidences, but not THOSE kinds of coincidences.

We're not disagreeing. I'm basing my answer on the assumption that what the OP said is true. You're basing it on what the true story might (or likely) be. If it's not, which very well may be the case, what you are saying is true. We're answering on two different issues and are getting nowhere.

 

[tuyen]

Ah yes, the fallacy of "women aren't violent".

I never said anything of the sort. What I said was that in the vast majority of cases, it's men who inflict violence on women. Yes, I'm sure there are a number of women who are violent towards their boyfriends/husbands, especially if she knows the man will never hit her back. But the point I was making was that you have to look at the whole picture, and consider the odds of ALL the following in the original poster's case:

1) a violent woman who
2) puts a knife to a man's throat and threatens to kill him and
3) it all comes to a boil just a few days after the new immigrant receives his PR

If you're willing to completely suspend disbelief and allow yourself to think that ALL those things can come together at the same time, then it just shows a lack of critical thinking on your part.

I divorced my first wife primarily for what we will politely call "anger management issues".

Why did you marry her in the first place if she had violent tendencies? Oh wait...don't tell me - let me guess - she was completely loving and docile during your whole relationship prior to getting married?

The other thing to remember is most cases of violence or sexual assault against men by women go unreported because of the stigma it places on the man.

An even more important thing to remember is that if something goes unreported, you can't use it as an argument involving statistics.

People will feel sorry for the "poor little woman" if she is beaten but will laugh if a "poor little woman" just beat up her man.

I wouldn't laugh at the fact that she beat him up. I would, however, laugh at the fact that he allowed it to happen repeatedly, and that he didn't seem to think her nuttiness would be a problem PRIOR to marrying her.

 

[tuyen]

We're not disagreeing. I'm basing my answer on the assumption that what the OP said is true. You're basing it on what the true story might (or likely) be.

I was responding to your earlier comment where you said, "where as if he was a fraud he would have just bailed the second he got PR."

And everything I see points exactly to that. He bailed the second he got PR.

That fact remains the same regardless if his story is completely true or completely false.

 

[buiatti]

Well, I think this is enough about this thread, and also, people giving ears to this tuyen.

I did have told things I did not want at first, after this tuyen started with his typical behavior (after I read few other threads). The point that was of interest was told, so, no need to keep on this way of discussion. And if you consider almost 3 months as the second I received my PR, than let it be.

I have lived in the same house with her since I arrived in Canada, and I had "swallowed" many things while living with her, and everybody knows this is something we do when we love somebody. My first point to leave the house was to look for a job in another city, but since I'm running short of money, I decided to cut the trip expenses. This is the main reason for her threaten me with the divorce and immigration.

I'm not running away from her because I got the PR, and leaving her once and for all was never my intention. Every man who is married, and has a wife he loves knows how he would endure things for the one he loves.

 

[scos]

Why don't you try reading the link I listed. It is quoting REPORTED stats. According to the study, your "vast majority of cases" is at best 2 to 1 for beatings, and 6 to 5 for domestic abuse in general. We can only speculate as to what it would be if ALL cases were reported (the stats I was quoting do not attempt to determine the report rate). And before you decide to argue with the source of the data, it is Statistics Canada.

An even more important thing to remember is that if something goes unreported, you can't use it as an argument involving statistics.

I never used "unreported statistics". As I said, the stats are of reported cases.

I wouldn't laugh at the fact that she beat him up. I would, however, laugh at the fact that he allowed it to happen repeatedly, and that he didn't seem to think her nuttiness would be a problem PRIOR to marrying her.

Oh really? Then I guess you would also laugh at all the battered women who are too fearful or traumatized to leave their abusers too? Or is that only reserved for the men?

And yes the anger issues weren't apparent before marriage. And I'm not about to go into it with you.

You may be right that the guy is a fraud. You may be wrong too. It really doesn't matter and goes to what I said in another similar thread. It would be best to simply ask the PR question without all the history so we can avoid all the pointless speculation.

 

[tuyen]

Why don't you try reading the link I listed.

I read it. The whole thing was a hit piece on Statistics Canada about what a big, bad, evil biased organization they are.

According to the study, your "vast majority of cases" is at best 2 to 1 for beatings, and 6 to 5 for domestic abuse in general.

Oh please. In today's hyper-sensitive, politically-correct world, EVERYTHING is considered abuse. If I raise my voice 0.2 decibels when speaking to my girlfriend, I'm sure there's no shortage of nuts who would try to have me locked up for it.

Oh really? Then I guess you would also laugh at all the battered women who are too fearful or traumatized to leave their abusers too? OR is that only reserved for the men?

Actually, I have very little sympathy for either group. Men or women, I don't care - there's no valid reason to allow yourself to get traumatized. Let's be real for a second, okay? The first time a person is violent towards you is not going to "traumatize" you. It will surely shock the hell out of you, and it will definitely invoke a big "WTF" moment, but to become traumatized by abuse takes time and repeated incidents. Which brings me back to my original point: there's no valid reason to ALLOW it to happen. My take on relationship violence is very simple: the first time it happens, it's not your fault. The second time it happens, yeah, it is.

If you make the conscious and deliberate decision to stay with a person who has just been physically violent with you after the first incident, then you've set the stage for allowing it to happen the second time, and the third time, and every subsequent time.

And yes the anger issues weren't apparent before marriage.

See...how did I KNOW that was going to be your response? :

 

[tuyen]

And if you consider almost 3 months as the second I received my PR, than let it be.

"and by the end of 2012 I received my Permanent Residence."

Those were your exact words.

Now you're saying you got your PR three months ago. So which is it? Was it the end of 2012, or was it 3 months ago?

Perhaps you seem to have a somewhat unique definition of "end of 2012", but I wouldn't consider October to be the end of 2012.

I'm not running away from her because I got the PR, and leaving her once and for all was never my intention. Every man who is married, and has a wife he loves knows how he would endure things for the one he loves.

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're expected to endure physical violence.

 

[buiatti]

Perhaps you seem to have a somewhat unique definition of "end of 2012", but I wouldn't consider October to be the end of 2012.

Well, where I have worked for 12 years, once October is finished, we already started preparing the YEAR END for reporting and accounting purposes, so, yes, October 30 is already "by end of the year" for me. And this I have learned with the guys from US and Canada I worked with.

And one more thing, why don't you learn how to act in a respectful way with other people? Does your wife sleep with jeans every night?

 

[tuyen]

Well, where I have worked for 12 years, once October is finished, we already started preparing the YEAR END for reporting and accounting purposes, so, yes, October 30 is already "by end of the year" for me. And this I have learned with the guys from US and Canada I worked with.

End of fiscal year and chronological end of year are two very different things...and the fact that you don't seem to understand the difference doesn't shock me at all.

And one more thing, why don't you learn how to act in a respectful way with other people?

Respect needs to be earned, and you've done absolutely nothing to earn my respect with your cockamamie story . Quite the contrary.