please i need help,i find my husband different from the man i marry ...

[Cha2]

thanks for everyone who reply to my post.
i know every marriage have difficulty in the beginning, and to let you know hasher ,we marry because we love each other ,and i was looking to stay with my husband all my life and we was planing to have kids, in my country he was good ,down to earth and my family they like him, but when i come here ,he become different ,and i don't change i still the same, before he tell me i can work and now he say no, you can't work with men, and i can't study with men, he is very religious Muslim,and im in the middle ,he have rules for everything,he complicate thing, for example i tell him today to don't wake me to pray a prayer in the morning6 AM, and he start to say i don't want a women she don't practice he religion, you are not muslim you are christian, so i tell him ,you don't love me, he say he love god more then me, so he will divorce me if i don't pray with him in the morning, he don't understand me, i want to wake up by myself, not by obligation.

Okay I cannot resist the urge to keep silent.

My dear sister Amira, if there is anybody that understands your situation its me but i wont tell you why .

Your marriage is still a very young one and when two people that didn't grow up in the same house live together, there is always bound to be initial disagreements. Some men are very difficult especially the ones that immigrated and went back home to marry. (My apologies to the few good ones that are understanding). I'm sorry but your husband is insecure and scared. It's the way he has always being it's just that it took your marrying him to bring that out. But I think he still loves you very much. Maybe he thinks when you start working or "socializing" you may meet people that he thinks are better than him or you may start comparing him with other men or even contemplate living him just like you are now

Trust me I know exactly how you are feeling but you mentioned that he was down to earth and nice whenever he came visiting back home. That's good to know because I believe that nice man is still somewhere locked inside. Men are like babies no matter how macho they always appear and women know how to soothe, cuddle and make a baby feel like everything is okay.

So what I am saying is that I feel it's in your hands. If you really love him and want to give your marriage a shot, do whatever he's asking you to do. I know he may be very difficult but It's still too early to contemplate leaving him. Keep loving and respecting him with all your heart. With time you will break that mean and "un-understanding" man in him. Then the man you married with gradually return home to you.

In the meantime you can discuss working-from-home with him if you really want to work. There are a number of jobs one can get from home. Or you can take online classes if you want to go to school to improve yourself. But before anyone thinks I am encouraging abuse of any form, please if he is physically abusing you, you should know what to do. Do the much you can to improve yourself. Learn how to drive too.

But in the meantime give your marriage a shot and commit it and get closer to God because trust me it's only God that can put love in your heart in spite of everything. I want to add that Love is not a feeling it's actions because feelings come and go. I know you may not be a christian but just put this 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 in your Google search to get a better picture of what I am trying to say.

I believe it will be well with you. And don't forget the secret to achieving a happy marriage is still a secret

 

[amira041]

thanks to every one who help me by advice ,i will try to do this advice ,now thanks to god thing is better with my husband ,i release that marriage is not easy there is responsibility in it, i make it work by listening to him ,do what he tell me to do as a good wife, and the important thing is forget what i was before i get marry..

 

[Hopefulagain]

thanks to every one who help me by advice ,i will try to do this advice ,now thanks to god thing is better with my husband ,i release that marriage is not easy there is responsibility in it, i make it work by listening to him ,do what he tell me to do as a good wife, and the important thing is forget what i was before i get marry..

It sad that in this day and age, this is what we expect from the wives and women.

I am REALLY sorry for you that we as society are telling you that your husband disrespecting you is because YOU dont listen to him and dont do as he asks of you. Plus, all those people that have asked you to stand up for yourself have been named as "wretched souls" ???

This is why a man's attitude will never change. He will always be the taker and there will always be people giving excuses for his behaviour. Women will always be asked to respect and honour their spouse but, men will be asked for no such thing.

Even as a young boy, when my mother used to ask me to help around the house by cleaning and cooking (yup, I am a man and I can cook), her friends used to make fun of her. Even today some of friends make fun of me by saying that I will make a very good wife - as if its only a woman's job to clean the house and cook. The attitudes are absolutely disgusting.

So my only thing to you is I AM SORRY.

 

[Hasher]

It sad that in this day and age, this is what we expect from the wives and women.

I am REALLY sorry for you that we as society are telling you that your husband disrespecting you is because YOU dont listen to him and dont do as he asks of you. Plus, all those people that have asked you to stand up for yourself have been named as "wretched souls" ???

This is why a man's attitude will never change. He will always be the taker and there will always be people giving excuses for his behaviour. Women will always be asked to respect and honour their spouse but, men will be asked for no such thing.

Even as a young boy, when my mother used to ask me to help around the house by cleaning and cooking (yup, I am a man and I can cook), her friends used to make fun of her. Even today some of friends make fun of me by saying that I will make a very good wife - as if its only a woman's job to clean the house and cook. The attitudes are absolutely disgusting.

So my only thing to you is I AM SORRY.

First of all, men dominating the society and women living a suppress life is long gone, now days it is happening either way. Arguments, difference of opinion are part of normal marriage life, some time one partner has to be little more patient than the other, irrespective of man or woman.

I think you misunderstand the situation, here we are trying to help OP under her current circumstances, not trying to get her divorce.


It is very easy to provoke one side and destroy the marriage by showing sympathy to either a man or woman by saying Standup for yourself, you are free human being, don't allow him/ her to control you, hey come on be a man, you have equal rights to live & bala bala. On contrary it is very difficult to suggest a man or woman some thing where they can lay a foundation of long marital life. Almost all marriages have time to time arguments and difference of opinion. Some marital matters, arguments and dispute can easily be solved by a mature approach to life or by counseling. However, there are matters that cannot be resolved and sadly need at the end separation or divorce.

Disrespecting or humiliating one another is not at all base of a healthy marriage life, and not acceptable in any culture, society or religion, since OP husband cannot be addressed through this thread so we are trying to suggest the OP to be patient and tactical with situation, otherwise he would also be suggested the same.

As far as household work and cleaning is concern it is hard to find a family where responsibilities are not distributed, not exactly the same but just for example, if husbands are working 7 to 5 to run the home expenses, taking care of maintenance of Car, maintenance of furniture Garden, back yard, front yard, grocery etc. and wives are taking care of cleaning, cooking, Kids etc. then they both are supporting the family and there is nothing wrong. In some cases wives are working and more taking care of expenses and husbands are more taking care of household matters & kids. If some people are making fun than they are stupid people and it is not recommended to listen or go along such people.

 

[Hopefulagain]

First of all, men dominating the society and women living a suppress life is long gone, now days it is happening either way. Arguments, difference of opinion are part of normal marriage life, some time one partner has to be little more patient than the other, irrespective of man or woman.

I think you misunderstand the situation, here we are trying to help OP under her current circumstances, not trying to get her divorce.


It is very easy to provoke one side and destroy the marriage by showing sympathy to either a man or woman by saying Standup for yourself, you are free human being, don't allow him/ her to control you, hey come on be a man, you have equal rights to live & bala bala. On contrary it is very difficult to suggest a man or woman some thing where they can lay a foundation of long marital life. Almost all marriages have time to time arguments and difference of opinion. Some marital matters, arguments and dispute can easily be solved by a mature approach to life or by counseling. However, there are matters that cannot be resolved and sadly need at the end separation or divorce.

Disrespecting or humiliating one another is not at all base of a healthy marriage life, and not acceptable in any culture, society or religion, since OP husband cannot be addressed through this thread so we are trying to suggest the OP to be patient and tactical with situation, otherwise he would also be suggested the same.

As far as household work and cleaning is concern it is hard to find a family where responsibilities are not distributed, not exactly the same but just for example, if husbands are working 7 to 5 to run the home expenses, taking care of maintenance of Car, maintenance of furniture Garden, back yard, front yard, grocery etc. and wives are taking care of cleaning, cooking, Kids etc. then they both are supporting the family and there is nothing wrong. In some cases wives are working and more taking care of expenses and husbands are more taking care of household matters & kids. If some people are making fun than they are stupid people and it is not recommended to listen or go along such people.

I am sure you and other people have her best interest in your mind but for me when someone says that " the important thing is to forget what I was before I got married" , then it tells me that this person is sacrificing a lot. I am not saying that divorce is the only answer but "respecting and honouring" is definitely not the answer.

The husband HAS to understand that she is his wife, not his servant. Somebody here had suggested....do whatever he's asking you to do. Really? Somebody had also suggested that start working from home if working outside upsets your husband. This is not solving the situation.

We as society are telling her, in a way, that he is like this because you (the woman) is not doing your part. Abuse doesnt have to be physical. Mental/Psychological abuse is just as bad, or even worse in some cases.

And thats what makes me sad. This is why I am sorry because as society we have made such terrible rules for women that always judge her in a relationship and always hold her accountable for its failure. She is wronged here - first by her husband, then by society.

 

[Leon]

It takes two to get married and ideally there should be compromises on both parts, not just one sided.

However, it's her marriage and she has to be the one to decide if she is happy doing all the compromising, whether she can bring her husband in time to do some too or will she eventually leave him. That is for her and the future to know.

 

[canuck_in_uk]

First of all, men dominating the society and women living a suppress life is long gone

Really? I suggest you visit Afghanistan or Iraq or Sudan or South Sudan or Zambia or Syria or Papua New Guinea or Mali or Iran or Pakistan or India or Egypt or Yemen or Chad or the DRC or Saudi Arabia or Somalia......the list goes on.

I think you'll find your statement to be very inaccurate.

 

[Hasher]

Really? I suggest you visit Afghanistan or Iraq or Sudan or South Sudan or Zambia or Syria or Papua New Guinea or Mali or Iran or Pakistan or India or Egypt or Yemen or Chad or the DRC or Saudi Arabia or Somalia......the list goes on.

I think you'll find your statement to be very inaccurate.

[/quote]


Please don't take me wrong that I am against women, not at all. To me Women are most beautiful human species on earth as Mother, wife, daughter and sister.

I agree, in most of these countries women are not dominating, but it will not take very long that women will be on Top even in these countries, as laws in favor of women are coming up, especially divorce law.

My reply was in context of Canada and West though, where things are gone to other extreme end. I know no body like sympathy with men, even not the law in fact is an offense to support a man, and most unwanted person is one who favor even a victimize man, no matter if man is angel and women is wicked. If one talk in favor of women rights you are gentlemen and if talk about man rights you are Joker and ------. If a wife slap a husband in a party, without knowing reason almost everyone will be with woman and no body will Call 911, on contrary you know what treatment husband will receive. A wicked man doesn't care about law and can find one way or the other to suppress women, but a gentlemen have to live a life of a slave - ;D ;D. I know most of you must be laughing.