+1(514) 937-9445 or Toll-free (Canada & US) +1 (888) 947-9445

Please , evaluate this essay task 2

memo hman

Newbie
Nov 26, 2014
3
0
please , I want an expert to evaluate this essay ..
Some people believe that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven years old .Others believe that it is important for young children to go to school as soon as possible.
What do you think are the advantages of attending school from a young age ?

As a matter of fact , a number of people have a concept that kids have to spend enough period at home enjoying their time in different routes of leisure before entering school . On the other hand , going to school as early as possible represents a necessity for many reasons .
First of all , the social relationship in this age is very important in building personality through interaction with other children and teachers which in turn affect the attitude at home towards parents and siblings .
This relationship is developed under an organized manner teaching the child how to behave and communicate politely with others . Second , skills can be discovered early allowing more time to learn how to improve and manage them correctly . For example , some kids show the ability how to use computer programs effectively .By care and interest , new copies of Bill Gates can be created . In contrast , these skills can be missed at home as a result of many factors such parent work , low standard of life or a lot of siblings .Third , physical activity is achieved under the control of specialized coaches . Moreover , not only exercise has its benefits on physical health but also it affects the mentality as well .
To summarize, social , mental and physical abilities can be improved by going to school as young as possible. In addition , this can change our view towards how much time should kids spend at home .
 

maxloner

Star Member
Jul 29, 2014
81
1
India
Category........
Visa Office......
New Delhi
NOC Code......
2174
Job Offer........
Pre-Assessed..
App. Filed.......
26-06-2014
Doc's Request.
-N/A-
Nomination.....
-N/A-
AOR Received.
07-08-2014
IELTS Request
01-10-2013
File Transfer...
-N/A-
Med's Request
Upfront
Med's Done....
12-12-2013
Interview........
waiting....
Passport Req..
waiting....
VISA ISSUED...
waiting....
LANDED..........
waiting....
Good essay !! Some more practice and you should score high.

Follow these tips if you can. Am sure you can google out the tips too.
  • Make small and crisp sentences. And then connect them together to bring in your though. Advantage --> Readablity and comprehensiveness increases -- scores more points.
    Example from your essay -- First of all , the social relationship in this age is very important in building personality through interaction with other children and teachers which in turn affect the attitude at home towards parents and siblings . --> I would say sentence not well thought and planned out. Done in haste
  • Try to add variety of words --> this demonstrates your command over the language -- another scorer.Use the words hone, cultivate,etc for better impact
  • Third , physical activity is achieved under the control of specialized coaches . --> this is going no where. You should have mentioned that "Kids would get trained in physical activity under the supervision of specialized coaches. See the change of words makes the sentence sound better
  • "By care and interest , new copies of Bill Gates can be created" --> What was that ? :D new copies? can get rid of that totally