Please Advise!! My Husband Arrived! ~ Not Even a Year Later DOESN'T Love me :'0(

[Doitforlove]

Hello:

I hesitated in posting here but I really mostly need legal and immigration advice about how to best handle my situation rather than marriage counseling. :'(

Today I'm reminded of my wedding day 21 months ago. In 3 months, we could be celebrating 3 years together - or maybe not... </3 I cannot explain how heartbreaking this is for my daughter and I as she also suffers seeing me suffer.

My husband has been here 8 months and his expectations were far too high, his outlook and goals for the future seem to have changed now that he's here. I am nearly 8 months pregnant and this only makes this situation much more complicated!

He says he no longer feels love for me but he will not leave not only our home but also the country after I have repeatedly asked him to just go if he's so unhappy with me and my daughter. He says he will not abandon his son but he has long abandoned his wife! He even set up a profile on a dating site about a month ago and was seeking to meet some new women in the area and went as far as meeting one but says nothing happened.

I feel taken advantage of as he still depends on me very much for translating and staying to pursue his own career goals here in Canada. I support him as much as I can but it's getting tougher and tougher when this is ALL one sided.

We applied for his visa right around the time the conditional residency was put in place so I'm not sure exactly how this works and what else I should do.

Emotionally, I want this to work for not only me but of course for my children. That means it will benefit him but he doesn't see it that way! Logically, he needs to just GO and live his own irresponsible life! :'(

Please let me know what my options may be with his residency.

Thanks so much!

 

[Ponga]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I hope you find a peaceful, loving way to resolve it.

We applied for his visa right around the time the conditional residency was put in place so I'm not sure exactly how this works and what else I should do.


Thanks so much!

THIS is a very import piece to your puzzle. You need to find out when EXACTLY his application was RECEIVED by CIC.

Good luck to you and your family.

 

[screech339]

The conditional PR only applies to couple who are married less than 2 years and have no children together.

in this case, I find it strange that OP mention about husband not willing to abandon his son? While OP mention about herself and daughter. How does this son come into play. Is it her step-son? Need more details on who children belong to whom.

Before I can say whether the husband has conditional PR or not.

Screech339

 

[Betina]

The conditional PR only applies to couple who are married less than 2 years and have no children together.

in this case, I find it strange that OP mention about husband not willing to abandon his son? While OP mention about herself and daughter. How does this son come into play. Is it her step-son? Need more details on who children belong to whom.

Before I can say whether the husband has conditional PR or not.

Screech339

I think the OP has a daughter from an another relationship and is now 8 months pregnant with her husbands son.

 

[MofC2014]

I am sorry for what you are going through. To determine his PR status (conditional or not) check the CORP document from when he landed and see if the CORP is conditional (Condition #51). If it is conditional, you can report him to immigration, however as he does not want to leave your home (maybe he knows he can't for 2 years) I am not sure how CIC would view that. I think in any even prior to doing anything legally I think you should try and reconcile with him. When someone immigrates to Canada from another country (depending which country he is from) it may not be easy for him, it does take quite some time to adjust to living here. May I ask from which country he is? Are there any religious/background/traditional differences between you and him? Many times if it is a mixed marriage the abovementioned differences create a wide gap which casues problems. I have been witness to this over and over again, and can tell you that it takes time and a lot of patience to overcome these types of differences.

 

[Ninirae]

Hello:

I hesitated in posting here but I really mostly need legal and immigration advice about how to best handle my situation rather than marriage counseling. :'(

Today I'm reminded of my wedding day 21 months ago. In 3 months, we could be celebrating 3 years together - or maybe not... </3 I cannot explain how heartbreaking this is for my daughter and I as she also suffers seeing me suffer.

My husband has been here 8 months and his expectations were far too high, his outlook and goals for the future seem to have changed now that he's here. I am nearly 8 months pregnant and this only makes this situation much more complicated!

He says he no longer feels love for me but he will not leave not only our home but also the country after I have repeatedly asked him to just go if he's so unhappy with me and my daughter. He says he will not abandon his son but he has long abandoned his wife! He even set up a profile on a dating site about a month ago and was seeking to meet some new women in the area and went as far as meeting one but says nothing happened.

I feel taken advantage of as he still depends on me very much for translating and staying to pursue his own career goals here in Canada. I support him as much as I can but it's getting tougher and tougher when this is ALL one sided.

We applied for his visa right around the time the conditional residency was put in place so I'm not sure exactly how this works and what else I should do.

Emotionally, I want this to work for not only me but of course for my children. That means it will benefit him but he doesn't see it that way! Logically, he needs to just GO and live his own irresponsible life! :'(

Please let me know what my options may be with his residency.

Thanks so much!

I am so sorry to hear this, but so far everyone that has posted is covering the basis. More information is definitely needed prior to being able to shed some possible light on your situation.

That being said, please don't ever hesitate to post on here. The anonymity of the internet is a wonderful source for advice and emotional support in such a stressful time of need!

 

[Betina]

We applied for his visa right around the time the conditional residency was put in place so I'm not sure exactly how this works and what else I should do.

You need to find out when CIC received the application. If it's Oct. 25, 2012 or after, your husband has the conditional PR. I am not sure if or how that will change once you give birth to his son - maybe someone else knows more about it.

It you application was received before said date, you can't do anything about his PR. He will remain your financial responsibility in his first 3 years in Canada, no matter if you're still together or not.

Maybe if you could prove that he just used you to get into Canada and never had any intention of remaining in a relationship with you, you might be able to prove marriage fraud and have his PR revoked.

 

[Rob_TO]

Maybe if you could prove that he just used you to get into Canada and never had any intention of remaining in a relationship with you, you might be able to prove marriage fraud and have his PR revoked.

This would be a tough sell given that they are expecting a child together. This sounds like a marriage that is just having problems or has broken down on it's own.

By that same reasoning, i wonder even if he has conditional PR status, would CIC act to deport him if he now has a child here? It may be in the best interests of the child if he remains in Canada even if OP and him end up separating.

 

[MofC2014]

This would be a tough sell given that they are expecting a child together. This sounds like a marriage that is just having problems or has broken down on it's own.

By that same reasoning, i wonder even if he has conditional PR status, would CIC act to deport him if he now has a child here? It may be in the best interests of the child if he remains in Canada even if OP and him end up separating.

I would tend to agree with Rob_TO. I think what the OP needs more is to find a support system, and unless the spouse is being abbusive, try her best to try and reconcile.

It is funny how a sponsor does everything in their power to prove to immigration that their spouse is coming here for a valid reason, often enough a sponsor hires a lawyer, goes through years of waiting, files appeals, fights all these battles but when after just a short time things don't seem to be working in the marriage the sponsor is ready to leave and deport the spouse without trying to reconcile, to work through whatever the problems may be, by getting professional help such as councelling to save a marriage that the sponsor fought so hard for at the beginning.

 

[Alurra71]

I would tend to agree with Rob_TO. I think what the OP needs more is to find a support system, and unless the spouse is being abbusive, try her best to try and reconcile.

It is funny how a sponsor does everything in their power to prove to immigration that their spouse is coming here for a valid reason, often enough a sponsor hires a lawyer, goes through years of waiting, files appeals, fights all these battles but when after just a short time things don't seem to be working in the marriage the sponsor is ready to leave and deport the spouse without trying to reconcile, to work through whatever the problems may be, by getting professional help such as councelling to save a marriage that the sponsor fought so hard for at the beginning.

I think many sponsors don't suspect their spouses are going to be setting up online dating profiles and dating once they arrive either ...

Reconciliation is a hard thing, especially once the trust has been broken. I know if it were me and my spouse set up an online dating profile and not only used it regularly but went on an actual date, they wouldn't have to worry about whether I was on condition 51 or not. They would deport me right back to the USA after they found his body LOL

No, seriously, this is a serious issue for the OP and at such a stressful time. To be pregnant and feeling down on oneself already because of all the hormones involved and just natural stresses of every day family life, this has GOT TO BE hard on both her and her spouse. They have to figure out where to meet in the middle and how to work this out which benefits both of them

If he is indeed on Condition 51 and she feels that she can not live in a loveless marriage, then she should indeed report it to CBSA and ask him to leave the family home. Let them then decide how to process his file.

 

[MofC2014]

I think many sponsors don't suspect their spouses are going to be setting up online dating profiles and dating once they arrive either ...

Reconciliation is a hard thing, especially once the trust has been broken. I know if it were me and my spouse set up an online dating profile and not only used it regularly but went on an actual date, they wouldn't have to worry about whether I was on condition 51 or not. They would deport me right back to the USA after they found his body LOL

No, seriously, this is a serious issue for the OP and at such a stressful time. To be pregnant and feeling down on oneself already because of all the hormones involved and just natural stresses of every day family life, this has GOT TO BE hard on both her and her spouse. They have to figure out where to meet in the middle and how to work this out which benefits both of them

If he is indeed on Condition 51 and she feels that she can not live in a loveless marriage, then she should indeed report it to CBSA and ask him to leave the family home. Let them then decide how to process his file.

Reconciliation is indeed a hard thing, but not impossible, if the 2 people can come to some understanding. I believe that even the best men and women make mistakes and there is room for forgiveness. I cannot judge the OP or the spouse, as we do not know the exact problems they are going through, but I think having the best interest of saving a family and marriage should take priority, unless of course there is physical or emotional abuse in which case the OP should first and foremost ensure her and her kids' safety.

 

[Ninirae]

I think we all have a right to our own opinions, but moreso, it is for the OP to decide her future. If she feels there is any chance for reconciliation (she is still in love with him and genuinely wants to try) perhaps a sit down "this is how it's going to happen, because I will not tolerate being disrespected" is in order. Perhaps just wait until the baby is born and then discuss possible counselling or whatnot. However, if he is adamant on staying in the house, but declaring his lack of love for his wife, then she will need to decide if having him there and being unhappy is more important than raisin her children in a healthy atmosphere.

Regardless, it is an incredibly tough decision and not one to be taken lightly. Do not rush to deportation option, as I know those who have rushed it and regretted it. I am not by any means condoning your husband's actions, as my husband would already be sent back to his mother in a wooden box if he ever even considered joining a dating website.

And his actions are not "mistakes". As my husband said; "Mistakes are thinks that are not done intentionally. Cheating and harsh words spoken are usually well thought out before hand."

If counselling IS an option, I would suggest it. But whatever you decide to do, please remember that it YOUR choice and YOUR decision to make. Do not let anyone encourage you in one direction or another. It is YOU that needs to live with your decision for the rest of your life.

Keep the faith and stay strong!

 

[Doitforlove]

Hello everyone~ Thank you so so much for taking the time to read and reply to my situation.

I understand there are many factors missing from my story in order to fully give some appropriate advise but I think you have all answered and given me some insight on this matter.

CIC received our application on October 15, 2012. I have not checked his passport for the condition but if what you say is indeed fact, we just missed it and well he's not bound by the 2-year condition. That being said, I'd like to make it known that this is absolutely NOT my first option as no one gets married to be divorced in a few years or at all ... at least not me! I made a commitment and I meant it! My upset comes from not being sufficiently valued to even try to make it work. Him staying for his son is one thing, but I, as his wife and the woman HE chose to pursue to spend his life with and have a family with ALSO MATTERS and should be at the top of his list for the GREATEST GIFT one can give their children is to love their mother unconditionally! (and vise versa)

It's a challenge here in this part of the country as there aren't many Spanish-speaking professionals to help but I was able to locate a religious figure who specializes in marriage counseling but because of such differences in culture and upbringing, my husband's Dominican background almost prevents him from opening up and trusting anyone enough to even begin to make some changes in our relationship. Even tough I am also Latina and speak his language, I was raised here and our cultures differ considerably to the point where we don't necessarily speak the same "language".

It's unfortunate yes and what I'm slowly beginning to realize is that it will take an incredible amount of patience on my part, and much much more strength even through my pregnancy and during my recovery period following baby's birth, to allow him time to realize what his behavior is creating. He's not all that bad ~ I would not have married him otherwise but it is evident the adjustment and settlement into this almost gloomy culture compared to his has been absolutely overwhelming.

I will stick it out! I will fight for my family but there's gotta come a point when a man must step up and make some decisions as well. I've given him two very distinct options - to STAY and that means through whatever may come and be positive about it OR ... to GO and go alone, letting me raise my children. Of course the latter is NOT the most beneficial for them or him or me but who wants to live with someone that doesn't LOVE them!? What will I be teaching my children then?

I know how much I've sacrificed for this to work, as did he! And THIS is exactly why I suffer so much now ....

 

[scylla]

Based on the additional information you have provided, there's nothing you can do about his residency / PR status. It's his to keep.

Sorry you're going through all of this and I hope thing turn out in a positive direction.

 

[screech339]

As scylla said above, there is nothing to be done about his PR status. That said, I hope the best of luck in your difficult period and hope it will turn out for the better in the end.

Screech339