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Need advice to improve my SOP after rejection

setumehta7

Newbie
Jan 13, 2020
3
0
I would like to have this opportunity to introduce myself as zealous person whose life is all about business. I belong business family background , gradually, business becomes my passion and I determined to build my career as a business man and hence I choose Bachelor in Management Studies ( BMS) and completed my graduation in May , 2019 . I also secured the degree of Bachelor in Management Studies from University of Mumbai.


Immediately after my Bachelor in Management Studies exams I entered our family business under the guidance of my father. He is a successful businessman and has been running our family business in India for the last 30 years, From June 2019 onwards, I started helping in various areas of our business for better understanding and gaining the knowledge of different working techniques of business. Since I want to excellence in my business carrier I suggested my family that I would like to acquire deeper knowledge of the world market. Hence I started researching for a better post-graduate study program in business management.

I found that Canada is the better choice for me to quench my thirst for learning as well as for new learning experiences. During my search, I found the teaching methodology of Canada‘s education system is quite impressive and there are lots of interesting subjects as well as programs of my interest. There are many colleges offering programs of my interest and one of them is Fanshawe College.

For post-graduation studies, program course in Fanshawe College is appealing to me, as I feel this will give me a much more extensive and comprehensive tools and techniques of business management concepts.

Having the privilege of learning the practical and realistic aspects of the business management system at Canadian Educational Institute, make me feel confident on working with highly qualified, experienced, skilled faculties which will surely improve my strategic know-how on business skills. Fanshawe College provides a realistic and stimulating climate that generates a highly nurtured inner self, and I hope it will help me to develop my full potential as an international student


I have been extremely active throughout my academic life, have successfully completed a computer course recognized as "JETKING CERTIFIED HARDWARE AND NETWORKING ENGINEER + CLOUD" at the Jetking Learning Center and have also completed "Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Illustrator & Corel draw" apart from this, I have been engaged in extracurricular activities such as self-defense karate, mind and body health yoga. I have attended a number of motivational self-development programs for personal development, as well as a number of spiritual courses that have contributed a lot to my life.

All of my endeavors in my life journey make me highly motivated and optimistic; somehow all these endeavors give me inner strength and make me more flexible and adaptable for learning new things. I feel that Studying in an international environment will give exposure to my full potential.

After completion of the education in Canada, I intend to come back to my home country with outstanding know-how, tools, and techniques and join my family business in India. I am committed to establish more systematically my family managed business in the future. My father will be proud of me when I will take over all business responsibilities successfully.

So, I would like to come back as an equipped and skilled business personality and join my family business to establish it in advance way. Hence, after completing my course study I am very much confident that I will easily compete in the business world with my new business policies.

Concluding my statement - my aim is a successful business tycoon of India in the future which can make the family proud.

Respected Sir/Madam, I hope that you will find all my documents and details in proper order. I request you to process my visa application as soon as possible. I am very much thankful to you for giving me your valuable time.



Sincerely,

Setu Mehta
 
Last edited:

Impatient Dankaroo

VIP Member
Jan 10, 2020
4,382
2,671
In english there is a saying for what are you doing in your essay: Blabbering. You are talking a lot but saying nothing

What I mean by that is you make generic statements but don't add detail to them. Like canada methods? How? Why? What is different from home?

Why are you talking about computer courses?

Finally, your English writing level is really poor. I recommend you have someone else write your essay if you want any chance of getting the permit
 

setumehta7

Newbie
Jan 13, 2020
3
0
In english there is a saying for what are you doing in your essay: Blabbering. You are talking a lot but saying nothing

What I mean by that is you make generic statements but don't add detail to them. Like canada methods? How? Why? What is different from home?

Why are you talking about computer courses?

Finally, your English writing level is really poor. I recommend you have someone else write your essay if you want any chance of getting the permit
Thank you for your suggestions, will surely Look into it
 

jweekend

Champion Member
Dec 13, 2019
1,280
224
I would like to have this opportunity to introduce myself as zealous person whose life is all about business. I belong business family background , gradually, business becomes my passion and I determined to build my career as a business man and hence I choose Bachelor in Management Studies ( BMS) and completed my graduation in May , 2019 . I also secured the degree of Bachelor in Management Studies from University of Mumbai.


Immediately after my Bachelor in Management Studies exams I entered our family business under the guidance of my father. He is a successful businessman and has been running our family business in India for the last 30 years, From June 2019 onwards, I started helping in various areas of our business for better understanding and gaining the knowledge of different working techniques of business. Since I want to excellence in my business carrier I suggested my family that I would like to acquire deeper knowledge of the world market. Hence I started researching for a better post-graduate study program in business management.

I found that Canada is the better choice for me to quench my thirst for learning as well as for new learning experiences. During my search, I found the teaching methodology of Canada‘s education system is quite impressive and there are lots of interesting subjects as well as programs of my interest. There are many colleges offering programs of my interest and one of them is Fanshawe College.

For post-graduation studies, program course in Fanshawe College is appealing to me, as I feel this will give me a much more extensive and comprehensive tools and techniques of business management concepts.

Having the privilege of learning the practical and realistic aspects of the business management system at Canadian Educational Institute, make me feel confident on working with highly qualified, experienced, skilled faculties which will surely improve my strategic know-how on business skills. Fanshawe College provides a realistic and stimulating climate that generates a highly nurtured inner self, and I hope it will help me to develop my full potential as an international student


I have been extremely active throughout my academic life, have successfully completed a computer course recognized as "JETKING CERTIFIED HARDWARE AND NETWORKING ENGINEER + CLOUD" at the Jetking Learning Center and have also completed "Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Illustrator & Corel draw" apart from this, I have been engaged in extracurricular activities such as self-defense karate, mind and body health yoga. I have attended a number of motivational self-development programs for personal development, as well as a number of spiritual courses that have contributed a lot to my life.

All of my endeavors in my life journey make me highly motivated and optimistic; somehow all these endeavors give me inner strength and make me more flexible and adaptable for learning new things. I feel that Studying in an international environment will give exposure to my full potential.

After completion of the education in Canada, I intend to come back to my home country with outstanding know-how, tools, and techniques and join my family business in India. I am committed to establish more systematically my family managed business in the future. My father will be proud of me when I will take over all business responsibilities successfully.

So, I would like to come back as an equipped and skilled business personality and join my family business to establish it in advance way. Hence, after completing my course study I am very much confident that I will easily compete in the business world with my new business policies.

Concluding my statement - my aim is a successful business tycoon of India in the future which can make the family proud.

Respected Sir/Madam, I hope that you will find all my documents and details in proper order. I request you to process my visa application as soon as possible. I am very much thankful to you for giving me your valuable time.



Sincerely,

Setu Mehta
It is very exaggerating and does not explain anything with regards to your purpose. Visa officers will have a hard time comprehending your letter. Not written well in English and many grammar mistakes. It reads like a 5th grade essay for english class and not a formal statement letter.
 

Classic82

Newbie
Jan 15, 2020
6
0
Hello
I had my application rejected because of my purpose of study. Am thinking of reapplying
What are the chances of getting an approval?
 

Amaka12

Full Member
Jun 18, 2019
41
6
Pls I need help I was denied based on employment situations and personal asset and financial situation. How will I go about reapplying.
 

Impatient Dankaroo

VIP Member
Jan 10, 2020
4,382
2,671
Pls I need help I was denied based on employment situations and personal asset and financial situation. How will I go about reapplying.
Share more financial documents, bank statements, land worth, paycheck, emplyoment letter.

If you are being sponsored sponsorship letter + their employment
 

Amaka12

Full Member
Jun 18, 2019
41
6
Share more financial documents, bank statements, land worth, paycheck, emplyoment letter.

If you are being sponsored sponsorship letter + their employment
I did all that but what I am thinking maybe the bank statement was faint after compression to 4gb. The Vo was not able to read it. Also my bank account statement does not have my monthly salary details on it.
 

Impatient Dankaroo

VIP Member
Jan 10, 2020
4,382
2,671
Most important is the summary of total funds amount that is atleast exceeding $15000 for 1 year. If you have a house or land, provide valuation of that and finally an offer letter from your company stating your job title, role, salary and how long you worked should be more than enough
 

Amaka12

Full Member
Jun 18, 2019
41
6
Most important is the summary of total funds amount that is atleast exceeding $15000 for 1 year. If you have a house or land, provide valuation of that and finally an offer letter from your company stating your job title, role, salary and how long you worked should be more than enough[/QUOTE
I used my cousins account having total 50 million naira. With my brother in-law account having 10 million naira and my own having 450 thousand naira. employment letter and re-employment letter from my company. I don't know what else they want.
 

Amaka12

Full Member
Jun 18, 2019
41
6
Most important is the summary of total funds amount that is atleast exceeding $15000 for 1 year. If you have a house or land, provide valuation of that and finally an offer letter from your company stating your job title, role, salary and how long you worked should be more than enough
I used my cousins account having total 50 million naira. With my brother in-law account having 10 million naira and my own having 450 thousand naira. employment letter and re-employment letter from my company. I don't know what else they want.
 

Impatient Dankaroo

VIP Member
Jan 10, 2020
4,382
2,671
I used my cousins account having total 50 million naira. With my brother in-law account having 10 million naira and my own having 450 thousand naira. employment letter and re-employment letter from my company. I don't know what else they want.
May I ask what country you are from?