mic8400 said:
AH MAN! That stinks. Oh well c'est la vie!
Awww ... don't worry, I am back here again
Thanks to an Email notificitation and the utterly sweet and encouraging email from a respected forumer that I received today, I had no other wish but to log on and return to say Hi and to be surprised by the sheer amount of lovely notes I had received and many of you, some good old friends, asking me how I am doing and if I 'd be able to update them. Well .. here I am ... and I am doing just fine ...
2 years and so have passed and I better start my most recent note, which am sure a lot of you have been waiting for, with Edith Piaf's song " Non, rien de rien, No, Je ne regrette rien" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFtGfyruroU
The lyrics are very beautiful and truly, totally, me singing it when I look back
It is as if I am singing the song myself. I did it, I lived it, I was happy, I was disappointed, I was mesmerized but also disgusted and I broke myself, I broke my own promises and I broke my own heart and I had to give it all up and return but guess what, no I am not upset at all and I am so utterly happy and greatful to God that I made this decision and did it, saw it, felt it and touched it and learnt from it so find the inner peace inside that I, obviously, had been feeling but wasn't aware of! To find the happiness and peace at the very right place where I have always been and to realise how much I had been fooling myself and been stupid to not see it all ... now I could look harder and it was as if I was reborn.
I had to get me a job, a survival job in NL, myself to make the ends meet. Me? a survival job in a country where I 've been working for a very famous firm/institution before with good incomes and now face a VERRRRYYY low hourly wage doing something I would have done it in Toronto perhaps to survive instead? Yet again, I managed to within 2 months, safeguard an administrative job at an international firm (also known in North America) and work there till early 2012 when my contract was ended and sadly not extended due to the upcoming corporate cutbacks and during those few months I had to work very hard to buy back things I needed, get me to classes and make new friends.
Worst of it all, my neighbors ... they were shocked to see me back off course ... It took them about a year to really get used to me back on the street and in the hood again and somehow, something is changed. It seems as if they are kind of afraid of getting into discussions with me given they know they are going to lose or they might feel less travelled or informed or in the shadow of somebody they used to think of as a spoiled woman getting around and feeling no pain and now suddenly she is there, knowing a whole lot more, has matured up and has become a woman who now can teach them how to be or act! And to this date, I am still very much enjoying a special status ...they take me seriously, they treat me well and with a whole lot more respect and sometimes they are asking for my advice and I know, I am not the person I used to be.
Canada changed my life in extreme ways and in many many ways. It was/is really a life changing experience. I don't think any MBA or study in life, in books or PC's, can ever compete or cope with how travelling and real life works! It helps you to open your eyes, your mind and to see and feel in an intense way.
My contract, wasn't extended ... I had to start looking for a job in a periode that 1. was winter and cold 2. just started to see negative news coming out of all corners of the nation and the entire continent with unemployment rising faster than the sun was rising! The first month of my unemployment in NL, the unemployment rate stood at 5% while two months later it was 6% and 3 months later around 8% and today, as I type, perhaps higher!
But I didn't fail ... I kept trying and I took any other administrative little job that I could and off course, the excellent job history I had built up and me being entitled to receive the benefit for the time being, was a blessing and a welcome issue, but sadly, my debt was higher than what I received and pretty much been living on the very edge of "looking normal and good' but crying on the inside all the time and yet, hoping for the best.
But I didn't give up and luckily, I found a new job and in the meantime I hold 2 parttime jobs and although they don't pay much, yet again, I make more than I did back in Toronto, have at least my weekends to me and 1 day off a week, I got my house, my flowers and plants ( I grow some vegetables these days) and I try to travel at times too. After all, it is never too far to say " I want to be in Paris" or "Berlin' or " London " and I can just hop on a train or car and get me somewhere nice to forget everything for a very short while which I still do. I didn't give up travelling and kept going around but this time in also a totally new way that I never had done before. I 've been staying at very funny B&B's for a day or two, or small local hotels, not eating out in restaurants but going to the local markets, buy my own stuff and make my own food and enjoy a glass of local wine with a piece of excellent farmer Cheese and a warm freshly baked Baguette overlooking a true chateau or schloss in France, Germany, Spain or Italy?! ...
a few weeks after I returned, I had the chance to go to "Pierrefonds" near Paris and while sitting on a bench on a hilltop, in an isolated area near a park that required one to hike up to the hill top to take a good picture which nobody does in a village that is quite empty during wintermonths and only in the summer sees the face of a few Chinese tourists or perhaps from India, I was sitting there, on this bench, in the snow, cold but blue clear sunny sky and looking at this magnificient palace on a hilltop with the local market being set up in the early morning and I was drinking my hot chocolate looking at the sunrising from behind the chateau and thinking how stupid I would have been if I would have stayed. Because now, I could be there, at that moment, enjoy that little moment, knowing that many people in the World, will have to work a whole year or two to save enough money to bear a few hours of flight, airports, taxi's and hotels, to just get to see a city like Paris for max. 5 day and still long for more, while I can now be here, see things they will hardly see at all, enjoy the local food and see it all DAY long with no hassle and for so little money with no airport hassle at all. Why would I ever want to be so far away?
But ...
I came back to Toronto last July ...
... yep! surprised? I had to come back last July because I had to take care of some stuff and also to take some of my personal stuff that were stored with friends and family back to home and gosh.... the moment I made my first steps back on the street ... it was emotional .. It broke me, .... It did!
Even now I am going to write about it, I get the tears in my eyes ... I took the subway from the Airport to Bloor station (I had not told family nor friends that I am coming back for them to be surprised and it was!) ... It was all a very tense experience all the way up to the familiar places, people, signs, voices, etc all up until the moment I arrived at my destination at Bloor and had to walk up through and out of the PATH and I never forget the moment I opened that door and walked the steps up to the Bloor street and saw the street and right in front of me the building where I started my first job!!!! and guess what, I even noticed a few familiar faces (two girls working in another shop who used to work with me) and I look to the other side and I see the silhouette of my condo tower! and .... I truly burst in tears ... standing there with my luggage in the middle of Bloor street and crying! ...
I had to walk all the way back to where I used to live and I rang the bell of my best friend who ... gosh ... she was screaming from happiness when she heard my voice and couldn't believe I was downstairs in the lobby ... a lot of people I knew, found out and all came downstairs and the security guards and some new residents had no idea what was happening ... who I was and what I had done ... I never forget those moments ... I posted a picture of me with Toronto on my facebook and it went viral! cousins drove all the way from Richmond Hill and far beyond that in an instant to pick me up, take me home and it was crying out on the streets and just laughter and ... all those moments, walking in Toronto for 2 weeks, really I kept walking and walking for a few days, getting out of my hotel room in the early morning to walk EVERYWHERE, to meet, greet, see and have fun with everybody I knew and I had met and all that in such heat and I wasn't used to the scortching heat of Toronto honestly, ( good thing, I lost 11 kilo in 2 weeks ) , I made a lot of new friends and met new wonderful people, all of whom all in awe and sometimes very surprised that I had been living there, doing a lot to get me somewhere, yet left and now return to see it all in a totally different perspective? .. we could talk and we all did talk .. for hours ...
Last trip did open my eyes again, in a different way, it helped me to look at me and the periode I spent there in some sort of a scien fiction way or a novel or a movie ... I walked on the streets and in front of me, I saw me, walking, talking, doing things, working, looking for work, dealing with stuff, buying things, getting deals, getting her way through the regulations and to schools, to this, to that, here, there ... I used to wear a red coat and in Schindler's movie, there is this little girl in a red coat that walks among black/white color people, I constantly saw it all in Toronto in black/white and me in a red color among others! so weird...
Sometimes I had my sunglasses on and been crying while walking and had to take a break to sit somewhere, put me together and keep on going to see friends or family. I even went to shops where I used to come to see the faces of sales people, look at me with a question mark and then suddenly open up cheering happily hugging me and asking me where I 've been, how I was doing and even with one of them crying a bit too. She was such a dull who helped me to get me some references etc.
But also, sad things ... a friend who I made shortly after I left Toronto, was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and it was an even ... gosh ... ... ah ... so difficult to talk about such encounters ... to stay there, at her doorstep, see the door ope and embrace a woman who was all bold now, lost any hope to survive and was really living the last days of her life ... somebody who helped me to get through my lonely days of my first Christmas in Toronto ... who I had met at a post office and we talked, then she found out about me being alone and so she changed her Christmas schedule in a way so she can plan a lovely dinner with her family and friends to invite me so I be with them and among "friends" ...to now be standing in front of me in a VERY bad shape ... and yet again, we laughed, we talke and we hugged and I thanked her ...she is my Canadian auntie and luckily, she is still fighting back and has not given up, like she says looking at me, gives her strength! ... She has never been to Europe, has always been working round the clock since her childhood to make the ends meet and dreaming of day to arrive so she can retire and go travel and see the places she wants.
Ever since I am back from that trip, I am travelling for "her". I get around to different places to take pictures and post on her facebook or send her post cards to make her happy and make her strong so she can fight for life and to never give up. She wants to see the Tulip Gardens of the Netherlands, and although I had never been there myself, I took a whole day off to just go throw myself in the middle of the Tulips and all flowers in the fields and also to visit the gardens itself to be with her!!!!! And she was so happy to see my pictures on facebook all dedicated to her!
Last July, I came, I saw, I laughed, I cried and I left again ... but I left in peace and in all honesty, I didn't cry this time but I was happy that I was going back home. I was going back home to a place that has something that no Canada, no USA, no Autralia no other place has. A true soul!
And gosh I am so happy I don't smell Starbucks anywhere in like 50 miles from where I live, no Illy, no Starbucks, no Tim Hortons no such things ... I smell real coffee or tea, I see happier people, quiet people, people who work to live and not live to work! We may be due to drastic changes in near future too, as things develop right now, jobs being lost, taxes going up, wages lower, etc etc ... yet I see people far happier, far easier, far more relaxed, no hassle, no pre-judgements and no fights for life ...
It is all done in a totally different way ... It doesn't matter what you have, it still matters who you are. In Toronto, it did matter what I had and in a less degree who I was or what I was and whereI came from.
Materialism is really celebrating its haytimes over there ... I saw it last July too ... it was all about being best dressed, eating out, going out for party, to sports, to concerts, to drive expensive cars and such ...
Good example: A friend invited me for lunch and given she is fine financially, she sure booked a table at Sasafraz in Yorkville ... good restaurant btw.
We sat there on the outside, dressed chic off course and having nice lunch and while talking, I noticed all these, the very same cars, Porche's, BMW's and Ferrari's all drive passed by constantly, the same people, showing off constantly in something like one square kilometer or so??? I was wondering " have they got nothing else to do? or nowhere else to go? " ... Off course I knew the answers ... I told my friend that I feel sorry for them ... one of her friends, couple from Middle East, dentists, making good money, questioned why? " They are rich, look at their cars and ' pointing at a womans sunglasses", even their sunglasses is worth more than my life is" ... the wife of the man in front of me said.
I replied " no honey, they immigrated to Canada to make it here and perhaps they did it, but all they got is an expensive car with some expensive stuff and living in a monster home up north or a condominium but this is all they can do with all of it ... show off in a small world that is so small they have to circle around it a few times to make it feel lengthy enough to worth driving more than is walking to them" .
Really, I was sitting there, smiling back and thinking " poor you" ... poor them indeed ... so much show off ... so much facade, such huge gap between the rich and the old ...
And in another occasion, walking on one of those Yorkville streets with another friend who was shopping, I overheard this gay guy talking about this and that, who he saw and was working with and gosh, such a huge fuss and all that show off to show his superiority while he "hates" this or " yuk, that is so ugly" or "that is so bad" or " oh so not worth it " ... etc etc and I was like " gosh ... please, take it easy, you are not better than the guy in front of you who is making your coffee in his work shoes while you are wearing Marc Jacobs and have to grab the coffee mug in sterlized napkins and such ... I had to sometimes cry for them .. being in such miserable life that have no idea what life really is ...
I knew I didn't want to live in such a city ... ( all due respect for gay people, Canada is an open friendly place and gay rights are truly repected there and one must know, they are among loveliest people and I 've met a lot of them and made great gay friends too) but sometimes, some of them are just so ... so acting out of real world like the one I overheard and faced in front of me. Or in a shop, I was listening to a group of young people who played music in a band and all acting as if they are soooooooooooooo very better than the rest who doesn't have their privileges!!!
One of them was all talking about an upcoming event in Paris and in such a tone that it was as if she was going to be the only one ever going to see Paris in the entire world ... that aside, her attitude, I was brave enough to cut in and give her a good advice about something there and her reply was something like " whatever, you don't know nothing, cause I know it all far better " .. so I started to speak in French with my friend who is from Quebéc and lives in Toronto for years but I speak it in my Parisian accent and then you had to see the look of the girl asking me Ouwhhhh are you fro Paris? Oh I LOVE Paris ... thank yeeouuuuuu for your suggestiosn ... maybe we will meet again. I said " Maybe, who knows and I 'd be honored to also show me my country" ...
Then again, I am in malls and places I see people run around and work hard to just make the ends meet ... mostly immigrants .... I also met two new people who were just moving to Toronto and I felt kind of sorry for them but also happy. They were again, no Europeans, but from Asia and South Asia.
They worked hard, I saw it ... they didn't complain and were a bit sad looking and one of them appeared to have a great degree in sciences and was working as waitress now in that restaurant to make some extra money while waiting for the response from a few companies he had applied for. (Oh btw, I kept in touch with him and 4 months ago, he finally got a good job offer, off course he had to finish some courses and on my advice, he took part in some meet-ups with locals in Toronto to network and via one of them he landed a far far better job) ... Yep ... I am not there, but at times I use my contacts to help one find a job or get some good information but my golden rule always applies " NETWORK" ... go meet up with people, meet people, make friends, be strong, keep your head on the shoulders and be confident, work if you can, try to fail, but don't fail to try OK?
Ah gosh ... so much I can talk about...
But back to me ... I am fine ... now two part time jobs, both at the government related institutions, close to home, enough free day, car in front of the door, no monster home, no chic condo or a basement apartment, but a real house, that is made out of true stones and not of fake stone walls or with wood, real shops around me, real cities with tremendous amount of history everywhere and people who are living on the same foot and rather in harmony with what they got ...
No more what do you wear? what brand is this? I love this or that, I drive BMW or I am real state agent or broker or this or that, but just " hi, how are you?" is what I hear when I see somebody.
At work, I eat in the same grand cafe as the CEO does, I make jokes with the minister of this and minister of that, we call each other with first names and even the receptionist is a friend ... we all know each other's names and all help and work lovingly together ... nobody drives, (NOT even the CEO) a big fat SUV or BMW or Infinity or Porche, but all managers drive VW "Up" or Fiat 500 and my supervisor with her degrees drives a Volvo S60.
Nobody who wears brand stuff ... even so, the other day I hear some girl showing her disgust of being in Amsterdam with her sister to walk somewhere but couldn't because there was a huge queue in front of this shop with half naked gorgeous men opening their first shop ever in this country!!!! and I hear her and all my other coworkers say " hopefully they will close doors soon to go back where they come from" ... (referring to the fact there is always some sort of opposition to anything that is all American and based on mass marketing and consumption" .
In July, I saw more BMW's and Audi's or Porches in Toronto, that I see these days in Germany! ... while Germans are driving fuel efficient cars and hang their roofts with solar panels, like all of us also are doing, driving ever smaller cars and greener lifestyles, I only saw a huge waste of all resources and energy in Canada ...
Mass consumption, Marketing this and that, Sex, Rock' Roll and Drugs, Materialism and such is what I mostly noticed last time ... gladly I could get out to a village in rural Ontario to see the "other face" of Canada which is lovely, but no wonder there were only Canada born Canadians there, because there are no jobs and no body who is new to Canada can afford living so far from big cities where jobs are and those villages are running empty too in a few decades believe it or not.
Canada in my eyes, mainly Toronto and Vancouver, have become New York and San Francisco ...
Ever since I am back from my last trip, I associate living in Canada, especially in Toronto, with " bubble tea".
Why Bubble Tea?
I have a Cambodian friend in Toronto, he doesn't work, he doesn't need to work, lives with his Canadian husband and has a cosy fun lifestyle with a summer home in cottage country and a beautiful condo in downtown. But somebody, so sweet and fun as he is, has to keep himself busy right?
So all he is doing each day and is posting it on his facebook for me to see is " having Bubble tea" here, having Bubble tea there, ...Bubble Tea with Friend A, Bubble tea with friend B, Vietnamese soup here, Chinese food there, On the beach on the Island here, Bike on the other side of the Island, Nude beach here, No nude beach with a bubble tea there and that is it!!!!!
sometimes I 'have to " like pictures to just say I do pay attention ... but am sure he liking my pictures from small villages in Southern France or some old cottage in the Alps or a beautiful building in some Scandinavian city with authentic Italian food here or French dessert there, is a different story.
It is not important where you live, it is important to look at what you got around you that can make your life more worthy living ... we all have them .. even in a country that might sound aweful or poor or third world or still developping.... there are things you have you don't see ...
Believe me, My Indian friend in New Delhi can post a picture of some yummy Indian food on a street corner with some old building on his facebook and make me really "like " it, than that I see him take a picture of his Starbucks coffee at this small ice rink in winter Toronto!!!!! That is not life ... that is ... passing time and day dreaming ... but when you are in your own country, you might as well find some very little things that make your life worth living and happier ...
Unless you go through a war or conflict or have children who might receive better education or find a better life in peace and harmony elsewhere, but it can be anywhere else too ... Not only Canada but also Germany, South Africa, Brazil or even India and China ...
Anyways ...
Got to stop now ... took me a day to write ...
Hope you enjoyed reading again and yes, I am fine.
I missed you all too. :-*