Jokes! Something to ease the tension of this process :)

[shamsia]

Three blondes were stuck in the elevator taking turns to shout “Help, Help”. One of them had an idea:
What if we’d all shout simultaneously?
And then they started taking turns to shout “Simultaneously, Simultaneously!”

 

[sakamath]

A man used to visit a bar at the same time every single day, order 5 beers at once and take them to a table and drink it one after the other. He told the curious bartender that they were 5 childhood friends who grew upto together and had a trend of drinking a glass of beer everyday. Now that they had grown up, married and lived in different cities, he wanted to continue the tradition. Touched by this, the bartender used to reserve his table for him.

One day, the man came to the bar and asked for 4 beers. Sensing some bad news, the bartender offered his sympathy for his friend. "Oh no, nothing of that sort" the man replied. "All my friends are doing just fine. Its my doctor. He said I had cancer, so I've quit drinking from today"

 

[tiger1627]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a billy goat standing next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Baahh. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. " Baahh. 9 Iron."

He looks at the billy goat and decides to prove him wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the billy goat, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky goat, eh?" The billy goat reply's " Baahh. Lucky goat."

The man decides to take the billy goat with him to the next hole. "What do you think goat?" the man asks. " Baahh. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the billy goat, "OK where to next?" The billy goat reply, " Baahh. Las Vegas."

So, they go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK goat, now what?" The billy goat says, " Baahh. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?" The billy goat replies, " Baahh. $3000,black 6."

Now, this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. Once in the hotel room the man says "Goat, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." "Just name it and it is yours." The billy goat replies, " Baaah, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the goat did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the billy goat turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

".... And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

 

[tiger1627]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a Bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

 

[GetUsHome]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."

A little girl raises her hand. Saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary,"

The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh!t,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[pandapenda]

come on people post more jokes ;D

 

[pandapenda]

My wife and I
were happy for 30 years.
Than we met.

 

[pandapenda]

A Husband said to his wife One day

"I don't know how you can be so stupid
&
so beautiful all at the same time"

The wife responded ,
"Allow me to explain,
God made me beautiful
so you would be attracted to me ;

God made me stupid
so I would be attracted to you !"

 

[sakamath]

"Each time you kiss another man, I'd turn in my grave" said Sam to his wife, as he lay on his deathbed. A few years after his death, his wife too met her demise. At Pearly Gates, she inquired about Sam. "Oh that one," said St Peter "We call him the Revolving Sam".

 

[pandapenda]

haha ;D superb

 

[sakamath]

A man dies and waits for his turn to enter the Nether World. Today's a special day. Each person would be given a tour of Hell and Heaven. They can then choose where they want to spend eternity. When it was this guy's turn, the Devil first takes him to Hell. There he was surprised to see Mahatma Gandhi surrounded by Cleopatra, Marilyn Monroe and 10 other such beauties. The guy says "I don't care how Heaven looks like, I want this!!!".
No sooner he officially enters Hell, he has to live on burning coal and toil day in and out. "Not fair!" he complained to the Devil. "Mahatma Gandhi is living a lavish life here." "Mahatma?" said the Devil "He doesn't live here. He lives in Heaven, we just call him here to torture the women."

 

[CalgarySprings]

Boy : "Want to hear a joke about my di**? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pu***? Never mind, you won't get it. "

 

[sakamath]

A young girl came home clutching a loonie in her hand. "Where did you get it?" asked her mother. "The boy next door gave it to me for climbing up a tree" the little girl replied. "You shouldn't do that!" her mother told her, "He just wants to look at your underpants!"

The next day, the little girl came home and confronted her mother "No ma, that's not true. Today I didn't wear any, yet he gave me a toonie"