IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Sargunkaur]

Pls evaluate above essay

 

[vmsanthosh.chn]

https://www.ielts.org/-/media/pdfs/115004_general_training_writing_sample_scripts.ashx?la=en

Some reference materials from direct ielts official site.

 

[Sargunkaur]

Fine


Fine



Good ... good task response and good flow. You should not have any issues in task 1. Focus on task 2.

Good written....,, Pls check my essay as well , m new to this forum.

 

[priteshgondalia]

Hi @cansha, Please evaluate this letter too.

Your friend has moved to another country. He or she is coming back to your country for a visit. You have arranged a party.

· Give the date and location of the party

· Say which friends are coming to the party

· Give more information about the friends’ current lives

Hi Ravi,

I hope this letter finds you well! Although it's just a short time since we saw each other, it feels much longer. I got your letter mentioning your visit to India, so I thought to throw a welcome party.

I've arranged this party at the plot named 'The Grand Bhagvati', the one which is located on the Sheppard avenue, and the date is 25th December. I know we used to visit this place a lot for college parties when we were studying higher education, therefore, I decided to arrange the celebration over there to remember our old memories.

You'll be surprised by knowing that I've invited all of our not only school friends but also university classmates. On top of them, some of your close neighbors are also coming to the party which will allow us to connect with each other and share our happiness.

Well. as you might know, most of them are well-settled in their businesses or professional careers. More specifically, Krunal, our best friend, has structured his own software company and works with multi-national clients. We used to study together and now see how far he has gone.

I hope you would enjoy this get-together event.

Regards,

Pritesh

 

[marosa]

Dear @cansha , thank you very much for your comments!

I have tried to work on my task achievement and grammar, however I'm not sure if I'm any closer to band 7, and my exam is on next Saturday . So, could you please evaluate the following 2 essays? Thanks again!


Some people spend a lot of money attending cultural or sports events. Is it a good or a bad thing? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience.

One of the most preferable ways of leisure for people all over the world is sports and cultural events, such as concerts, plays, soccer games and the Olympics. In my opinion, despite some demerits of spending large amounts on such events, the advantages in terms of getting rid of stress and socializing outweigh those.

On the one hand, it is argued by some that participating in sports and arts events has such demerits, as unnecessary expenses and the possibility of becoming a victim of a crime. To begin with, it is perceived that big and popular social events are much more expensive, than they worth. This happens due to the fact, that there are a lot of people wishing to take part in those. As a result, the organizers are entitled with the ability to artificially increase prices. Besides this, during the past few years it has become a subjects of worries of some people, that being present at an overcrowded event may endanger their health, or even lives. Examples of such incidents are the terrorist attacks in Paris, Nice or Manchester, during some big events and celebrations.

On the other hand, I agree with those, who consider that attending such events has a positive impact on people. Firstly, going to theatre, movies or any other event of that kind after work is beneficial for health. The daily routine of many people is so tough and stressful, that in order to stay mentally healthy and balanced one should get distracted by taking part in such activities. Secondly, this is a good opportunity for the attendees to enlarge their network and to gain new acquaintances. Socialization is an important part of everyone’s life and it is essential to be able to periodically communicate with new people of the same interests.

To conclude, even though there are some con’s of spending money on arts and sports events, I believe that the benefits one gets by joining those are quite considerable and definitely worth being taken into account.

Nowadays many people become popular by being featured online or appearing on TV. Is it a positive or negative trend in our society? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your experience.

For many centuries it took people exceptional talents, great achievements and life-changing discoveries to become well known, shall it be a music composer, a monarch, a scientist or a philosopher. In the modern world, though, there is a conspicuous tendency of becoming popular with the help of Television and the Internet. In my opinion, the aforementioned phenomenon has many drawbacks for the community, both from cultural and educational perspectives.

To begin with, becoming a celebrity by the means of media causes harm to the cultural development of the society. In other words, along with the upsurge in the number of highly promoted TV and Internet characters, the real art performers are moved back. This trend affects almost all fields of art, including theatre, music, dances and other art. In terms of culture this means that the population is gradually replacing artists with those, who appear on our screens more frequently.

Another facet of this problem is the way it affects children and young adults. Becoming popular without adding value to the society may serve a bad example for the young generation to follow. For instance, would a boy or a girl want to become famous, they will try to shock the audience, rather than to create real art. This example can be easily traced if to consider various reality shows which are so popular nowadays. No wonder many parents limit the hours their children are allowed to watch television or surf the Internet.

To conclude, I believe that getting promoted via TV and the Web has considerable demerits for the cultural and educational aspects of the society’s life.

 

[marosa]

Dear All,

Please kindly evaluate the writing Task 1 response below:

You have recently read a newspaper article about your school friend, whom you did not hear about for a long time. Write a letter to the newspaper editor highlighting some article details. Ask for some information about your friend.


Dear Mr. Jones,

By way of introduction, my name is Mar and I am writing to you with regards to a recent article that was published in your newspaper.

In particular, yesterday I came across with a review of Jenny’s Place opening celebration. It was such an excitement to learn that a close friend of mine from high school Jennifer Smith has opened her own restaurant and that it was such a great success. I was especially happy to hear from her after so many years since our last contact.

Due to the fact that we have not communicated ever since school, I do not possess any contact information about Jennifer. Even though I have tried several times to reach her out via phone, I did not succeed, as she has changed her phone number.

So, I am writing to you to kindly ask for your support in terms of providing me with information about her, such as a phone number, email address or any other credentials.


Sincerely,
Mar

 

[cansha]

Hi, Please evaluate this essay.

In some countries, young people from countryside tend to move to towns and cities, while older people stay.
What possible problems this might cause?
Provide solutions that can be taken to solve this problem?

More and more adolescents and adults from rural regions are choosing to live and work in metropolitan areas and prefer to leave their old parents in their native places. The phrase in the red is unnecessary. No where in the topic line there is an inclination to this. Avoid such things because if you do so you are changing the scope of the essay. Suddenly it sounds like if people should leave parents behind rather than older people choosing to stay in villages. Subtle difference in sentence but profound difference in scope of essay. Don't get in to rabbit holes.

As a result, the unemployment rate will may rise in cities, Use may instead of will. "Will" is definite and "may" is a possibility. You are discussion what problem may occur. there is no way for you to know for sure this will happen. Minor things but can make or break your message sometimes.

but this can be tackled by encouraging employers to enact their industries Correct idea .. wrong phrasing

in the countryside and developing diverse social facilities in these areas.What does it mean? Don't use made up terms in introduction which make sense only to you.

The approach of introduction is awesome! You are on the right path but make sure your introduction makes sense to anyone reading the essay. Don't use made up terms. This introduction would be perfect in my opinion with minor changes.

The main problem is that the competition in a job market will have a rapid rise in urban centers since an increasing number of young workers choose to move to these regions for better job opportunities and standards of living. Again good idea ... rather too long a sentence. But I still will take it since main idea is in sentence one. There is progress in your writing. Very good!

Consequently, some professionals, who do not possess contemporary skills and work abilities, will/may tend to face several problems while finding a well-paid job, which can also lead to monetary financial is a better word here issues in their day-to-day life. Good support line. This is good stuff buddy!

Another problem is that older people would feel alone and depressed as they would not have their children with them to support in their older age. Since people often face numerous health issues at this stage of life, leaving older people in villages can have a detrimental impact on them.

Now this is where your essay gets disconnected. Do you see suddenly from economic issues you jump to emotional issues. The flow could be better. Idea is still good.

The para could still be a little better in flow but the ideas are good and well formed. You are progressing.

One effective solution to deal with young people choosing to live in cities is for their government Unnecessary phrase.

to encourage them to stay in the countryside by offering better work conditions. Now this is really bad phrasing. issue is not working conditions. issue is lack of employment opportunities which you have rightly addressed in introduction that solution needs to be industry are setup in villages. See you have ideas but you didn't follow through on your own idea. This is where you lose points on C&C.

This can be done by providing financial subsidies and tax discounts to organizations which enact their headquarters in underdeveloped regions and employ local workers for their workforce. Good support but now see it doesn't go with "working conditions" but goes more with "setting up industry or employment opportunities"

Another possible answer Avoid such language. this is a formal essay. you are supposed to know how many solutions you are offering. So you could simply say at the beginning. There are two possible solutions. And say first and then say second. You know when you write like this it seems like you are writing this as an afterthought. This is like when someone asks you in an interview give me your strengths and you start oh I'm this and then you go oh another strength is ... blah blah ... And now if you answer the same question as my biggest three strengths are and then you go one , two and three ... which will sound more nice.

is for the countryside to offer better standards of living, more tolerance and a positive future as a way to entice their professionals back to their native villages.

Your writing needs slight fine tuning. Content is on point. So you are getting their in terms of task response. Spend a little more time reading your essay at the end more.

To summarize, due to higher competition, You are contradicting your whole essay here. People move to cities not because there is high competition. They move to cities since there are no jobs and then competition increase because there are more people and less jobs even in cities.

young individuals migrating to cities for improved lifestyle can face difficulties in finding professional jobs, which can only be alleviated by enticing young workers to remain in their places of origin through better conditions.

Thanks

Be more careful in writing your conclusions. Your writing has improved but you really need to fine tune now. One week is more than enough but keep making mental notes of your message and keep it consistent. All the best!

 

[cansha]

@cansha please evaluate
Write a letter to a friend. You have borrowed something from your friend and it was damaged

-apologize for damaging the product
-explain what happened
-say how are you going to fix the issue

Dear Patrick,

I hope you're doing fine. I am in informal letters it is better to write I'm i.e contractions. In formal letter you will write I am. That is one difference IELTS is testing you on

writing this letter to let you know why I haven't returned your iPod music player which I took from you couple of months back. First, I apologize for damaging your favorite music player and I know it would be difficult for you to stay without it.

During my trip to Pune in last month, I was listening to music from your player the iPod. If you notice you have your player too many times already. So say the iPod. When you use "The" it means you are referring to specific iPod and it has been referred before like in your previous para.

while I was driving my motorbike.

Soon, all of a sudden, it started to rain heavily, and I wasn't aware that it is not IP68 certified for water proofing. Owing to this, it just stopped functioning and is not turning on.

But the good news is, I have already placed a new order for the same player during last week's Black Friday sale, which will be delivered straight at your doorstep.

Once again, I feel sorry for whatever happened. I hope you will forgive me.

Best Wishes,
John

Fair enough for Task 1. The task response is good enough. Good! Take care of a few points mentioned above.

 

[Tejasd]

Hello folks

Anyone having Chris VIp course for the writing part?

If anyone willing to share the course I m ready to pay half the cost. Do let me knw

 

[cansha]

@cansha please evaluate

Some people say that supermarkets and manufacturers should reduce the amount of products which include a lot of packaging. Others say that we should be responsible and avoid the products which have a lot of packaging. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

Many people have different opinions about products with multiple layers of packing. On one hand, it is said that supermarkets and manufacturers should decrease the products with too much of packing, others think that it is the responsibility of the users of these products. In my opinion, it should be the duty of end users to refrain from such products which will save the environment.

Okay decent intro.

On one hand, some people opine that production companies on supermarkets should minimise the production of items with more packaging because they think it can bring down the overall cost of the product. I think you are way off the topic here.

In other words, I have written this in many reviews before and if you are interested you can go back pages and look at it but I think this line kills your argument then and there.

if less materials are required for packaging it can substantially lower down the total cost of the item. To illustrate, instead of using multiple layers of cardboard for Kellogs, only one can be used. Also, this will in turn, increase the productivity since less time is spent in packaging.

The problem with the paragraph is that it is totally missing the target. In your introduction you made a good argument that less packaging products should be avoided to save environment. And yes the topic is basically exploring that. It is asking you what is a better option to save environment? Action by sellers or action by buyers. Based on that this paragraph is wasted opportunity.

On the other hand, some people think that it is the responsibility of the consumers to stop purchasing such product and I agree. Very clearly no one is spending time in reading other reviews. Fine by me but difficult to repeat same things again and again. Short thing this ending "and I agree" should be avoided. Write better phrases.

By not using such products, people can contribute towards the environment. Already established in intro. What is new here?

Amul milk, for instance, in multiple plastic packaging requires more amount of plastic. Simply, by switching to a different brand which does not have unnecessary layers of packing the amount of plastic in circulation can be drastically reduced.

In conclusion, while reducing package packing my manufacturing companies and supermarkets can bring down the total cost of the product, but I feel, that by stopping such products by the consumers can help a lot in protecting the environment.

I think this essay lacks on task response. You have completely ignored one side of the essay so difficult. There are no big issues with English and Grammar barring a few phrases that should be avoided. But the most important thing is task response. If you do not address that rest of things won't matter.

 

[cansha]

In many countries, women no longer feel the need to get married. Some people believe that this is because women are able to earn their own income and therefore do not require the financial security that marriage can bring. To what extent do you agree?

It is believed by many that Today's independent Women, being financially secure and able to earn their own livelihood, do not wish to marry a man for their financially stable future.In my opinion, i Staunchly agree to the notion of women feeling so, but i also believe that along with financial Security and self sufficiency, changed Societal norms in western nations are another main reason behind changed though process of females about getting married.

Too many errors on Capitalization. Silly spelling mistakes. The content is decent but it would be a bit foolish to expect a good score if you can't review your mistakes like these. You can say oh these were typos. Well hard luck if you are going to take a computer based test. And even in paper based test such mistakes will kill your chance of a good score.

Now we come to the structure of it ... Why is your intro even longer than your first body paragraph?

Marraige is basically a commitment by two persons to be together in every phase of life, whether good or bad. In a nutshell, the basic constitution of marriage surrounds on being each others Support and walking hand in hand through good and bad periods of life. And money is one of the most crucial factor that is kept in mind while deciding life partner.

This whole paragraph is actually unnecessary. And it has all the same errors as in introduction.

In the bygone days, women, who were illiterate or if educated but not working, would marry a man, to enjoy good financial future. But western Cities are changed now, Literacy rate amongst women has gone up, and Government's initiative on increasing job opportunities and improving work environment for females have added fuel to the fire, thereby, increased number of Working Females. Today's modern Working Women do not feel the need to be dependent on someone else to pay for their expense, rather they feel happier and contented by being able enough to spend for themselves. As a result, the main reason why they would marry, has vanished, hence, they do not prioritise in their life.

You know what you are repeating the same thing again and again in different words but not making any new points. This helped during college when you wanted to increase word count to fill sheets. It won't work on IELTS. And again it is very irritating to read if you have so many errors on capitalization etc.

Additionally, Society has also changed their thoughts about single women, earlier unmarried adult women was seen as a burden on their family members, especially parents, but not any more. Now, people have started respecting the idea that getting married or not is a matter of an individual's Choice, which in turn makes girls feel more confident and comfortable with their choice not getting married late or not at all.

This para content is good. Finally a real argument and again same silly mistakes. And why is this para is so short compared to previous one?

the sum and substance of the above essay is that there is no iota of doubt that modern girl do not feel the need of getting married especially to support their finances in later stage of life, as they are independent enough to do it by own. Moreover, Society's changed behaviour has contributed their share on making them feel comfortable with their decisions.
@cansha please evaluate

The structure of essay is haywire given your para lengths. My suggestion would be to read more essays. You need to really work on structuring the essay and make sure your task response is appropriate.

And it would be better if the next essay doesn't have such silly mistakes because it is difficult to tell which mistake is genuine vs just a typo error and then it just defeats the purpose of the review.

All the best!

 

[cansha]

Pls guys check my essay.... since travelling abroad became relatively inexpensive more countries opened their doors for foriegn tourists . Is it a negetive or positive trend? Give your opinion. Visiting foreign countries is not an expensive activity nowadays. Despite, many nations welcome foreign visitors in their countries. According to me , it is a positive development. In the following paragraphs, i shall intend to put forth my arguments to support my views. Even though travelling expenses to different nations have declined so far, it has plethora of benefits to offer. To begin with, tourism as an industry is growing with leaps and bounds. Distant landers come to the host countries , they stay in hotels, prefer local cuisenes and spend big chunks of money for sight seeing and buying souvenirs. Consequently , they contribute in developing economy of welcoming nations. Probing further, local people who deals with construction , maintainence and repair of tourist destinations earn their livelihood from there. To add to it local culture, customs, language, lifestyle, artifacts spread across the globe and gains recognition. Alongside, artists who involved in artworks get employment and reputation worldwide by exploring their arts. However, in order to attract the visitors tourist consultants have to reduce the amount of their packages. Aviation industry also offer discounts to increase the number of passangers. Henceforth , some masses ponder that travelling abroad has become cheaper compared to yesteryears. In the gist, from my perspective, although commuting is inexpensive , as a whole it contributes uncountable advantages as aforementioned. That is why more people open their doors for outlanders.

Pls evaluate above essay

Unfortunately I can't review this essay. It is one single paragraph!! I can't see where your introduction ends .. where your body paragraphs begin? If you want to get it reviewed take some time and send a formatted essay like everyone else. If you want others to spend time on your essay you need to spend time in posting it in correct way first.

All the best!

 

[cansha]

Hi @cansha, Please evaluate this letter too.

Your friend has moved to another country. He or she is coming back to your country for a visit. You have arranged a party.

· Give the date and location of the party

· Say which friends are coming to the party

· Give more information about the friends’ current lives

Hi Ravi,

I hope this letter finds you well! Although missing comma it's just a short time since we saw each other, it feels much longer. I got your letter mentioning your visit to India, so I thought to throw a welcome party.

I've contractions are good in informal letters arranged this party at the plot named 'The Grand Bhagvati', the one which is located on the Sheppard avenue, and the date is 25th December.

I know we used to visit this place a lot for college parties when we were studying higher education, Unnecessary as college parties will be during higher education!

therefore, I decided to arrange the celebration over there to remember our old memories.

You'll be surprised by knowing that I've invited all of our not only school friends but also university classmates. On top of them, some of your close neighbors are also coming to the party which will allow us to connect with each other and share our happiness.

Well. as you might know, most of them are well-settled in their businesses or professional careers. More specifically, Krunal, our best friend, has structured wrong word his own software company and works with multi-national clients. We used to study together and now see how far he has gone.

I hope you would enjoy this get-together event.

Regards,

Pritesh

Overall well written and very good for task 1.

 

[cansha]

Dear @cansha , thank you very much for your comments!

I have tried to work on my task achievement and grammar, however I'm not sure if I'm any closer to band 7, and my exam is on next Saturday . So, could you please evaluate the following 2 essays? Thanks again!

Some people spend a lot of money attending cultural or sports events. Is it a good or a bad thing? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience.

One of the most preferable ways of leisure for people all over the world is sports and cultural events, such as concerts, plays, soccer games and the Olympics. In my opinion, despite some demerits of spending large amounts on such events, the advantages in terms of getting rid of stress and socializing outweigh those.

Ok decent introduction.

On the one hand, it is argued by some that participating in sports and arts events has such demerits, as unnecessary expenses and the possibility of becoming a victim of a crime. To begin with, it is perceived that big and popular social events are much more expensive, than they worth.
This happens due to the fact, that there are a lot of people wishing to take part in those. As a result, the organizers are entitled with the ability to artificially increase prices. Too many words for a very little message.

Besides this, during the past few years it has become a subjects of worries of some people, that being present at an overcrowded event may endanger their health, or even lives. Examples of such incidents are the terrorist attacks in Paris, Nice or Manchester, during some big events and celebrations.

I don't know what to say here. I feel this off topic and I don't know may be someone may feel it is on topic. But still it is too verbose for the message you want to convey. The phrasing could have been more clear.

On the other hand, I agree with those, who consider that attending such events has a positive impact on people. Firstly, going to theatre, movies or any other event of that kind after work is beneficial for health. The daily routine of many people is so tough and stressful, that in order to stay mentally healthy and balanced one should get distracted by taking part in such activities. Secondly, this is a good opportunity for the attendees to enlarge their network and to gain new acquaintances. Socialization is an important part of everyone’s life and it is essential to be able to periodically communicate with new people of the same interests.

This is well written.

To conclude, even though there are some con’s of spending money on arts and sports events, I believe that the benefits one gets by joining those are quite considerable and definitely worth being taken into account.

Reiterate a few positives in conclusion to make it better. For example this line "I believe that the benefits one gets by joining those are quite considerable and definitely worth being taken into account." if you just add a few words reiterates main points for example (you can probably write better than example below)

I believe that the benefits one gets, like opportunity to de-stress and meet new people, by joining those are quite considerable and definitely worth being taken into account.

Nowadays many people become popular by being featured online or appearing on TV. Is it a positive or negative trend in our society? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your experience.

For many centuries it took people exceptional talents, great achievements and life-changing discoveries to become well known, shall it be a music composer, a monarch, a scientist or a philosopher. Now if someone wants to a generic line for an essay it has to be point and relevant like this one. This is very good!!

In the modern world, though, there is a conspicuous wrong word here. Do not use words out of context tendency of becoming popular with the help of Television and the Internet. In my opinion, the aforementioned phenomenon has many drawbacks for the community, both from cultural and educational perspectives.

Very well written introduction!

To begin with, becoming a celebrity by the means of media causes harm to the cultural development of the society.

In other words, Stop using this. I have said so in many many reviews before.

along with the upsurge in the number of highly promoted TV and Internet characters, the real art performers are moved back. This trend affects almost all fields of art, including theatre, music, dances and other art. In terms of culture this means that the population is gradually replacing artists with those, who appear on our screens more frequently.

I am really not convinced with the arguments here. Well they do say that they are not looking at validity of arguments but English on the test. But I'm not sure how is that judged in the context of task response.

Another facet of this problem is the way it affects children and young adults. Becoming popular without adding value to the society may serve a bad example for the young generation to follow. For instance, would a boy or a girl want to become famous, they will try to shock the audience, rather than to create real art. This example can be easily traced if to consider various reality shows which are so popular nowadays. Needed an example here to drive home the point. Like people doing outrageous things on reality tv like abusing each other or being violent.

No wonder many parents limit the hours their children are allowed to watch television or surf the Internet.

I like this para better than the previous one.

To conclude, I believe that getting promoted via TV and the Web has considerable demerits for the cultural and educational aspects of the society’s life.

I always think that one line conclusion is a very dangerous thing to do. You can write a good conclusion in one line but it is a risky approach. At a minimum write two lines and at max write 3 lines. And as I said in earlier essay make sure to reiterate main points in the conclusion.

 

[cansha]

Dear All,

Please kindly evaluate the writing Task 1 response below:

You have recently read a newspaper article about your school friend, whom you did not hear about for a long time. Write a letter to the newspaper editor highlighting some article details. Ask for some information about your friend.

Okay very different topic for task 1. Let's see how you did here.

Dear Mr. Jones,

By way of introduction, my name is Mar and I am writing to you with regards to a recent article that was published in your newspaper. Very good!

On the point from first line. very good start.

In particular, yesterday I came across with a review of Jenny’s Place opening celebration. It was such an excitement to learn that a close friend of mine from high school Jennifer Smith has opened her own restaurant and that it was such a great success. I was especially happy to hear from her after so many years since our last contact.

Due to the fact that we have not communicated ever since school, I do not possess any contact information about Jennifer. Even though I have tried several times to reach her out via phone, I did not succeed, as she has changed her phone number.

So, I am writing to you to kindly ask for your support in terms of providing me with information about her, such as a phone number, email address or any other credentials.


Sincerely,
Mar

Good! You should not have any issues on Task 1.