IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Moeedkh]

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:
According to those in the travel business, the nature of the average 'holiday' is changing. Rather than seeking a relaxing break in a far-away place, people now want excitement on their holidays and are keen to participate in unusual and challenging activities.
Do you agree or disagree?

Many people argue that the trend of once-fancied reclusive and relaxing holidays has lost it’s charm and travellers are more interested in happening places with plethora of adventurous activities. I do not completely agree with the notion that serene holiday’s on exotic locations has lost its demand and adventurous activities are all the rage now. I believe, travellers want a healthy blend of adventure and leisure at one place where they can spend quality time over the vacations.

In my opinion, peaceful and relaxing vacations can never become out of fad, as everyone goes to holidays to unwind themselves and find an escape from the bustling life of urban landscape. This is the reason that beaches of Thailand and the mountains of Turkey are still the famous tourist spots. Still throngs of tourists visit these countries every year to have some idle time on scenic locations. Still there are thousands of resorts on remote locations crammed with tourists offering nothing more than a scenic view and relaxing ambiance.

Nevertheless, adventurous holidays has also become popular in recent years. This is one of the reason that activities like Sky diving, Scuba diving, Bungee jumping and Kayaking are mushrooming in all famous hotspots of the world. No tourist destination is considered complete without the arrangement of these activities. Moreover, adventure water parks have become an essential part of most visited cities of the world and travellers love to spend a day or two in these park enjoying the thirlling rides with their families and friends.

By and large, tourist of today wants a blend of peace and adventure. They want to spend few days relaxing in the resort beside a pool or a beach, while rest of the days in an adventure park or a scuba diving boat.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

So, Hope, if I write 2 ideas in one paragraph, these two HAVE TO be explained in the same depth? I mean, for example, the same number of words (approximately).
In case of a discussion essay, there is one paragraph (one view) that I only discuss and another that I agree with, do I HAVE TO write the paragraph that is also my opinion longer? (I hope you understand what I mean my writing is complex)

again, there should be only one idea in one paragraph, suppose "pollution"

now there are thousand reason of pollution, right, but how many can you explain in around 90 words.

I think one or two, I will write 2, to be on the safe side,

now saying one thing, and explaining the same thing, are two different things.

now to explain one idea, pollution, first I will state one reason. then I will explain how it contributes to pollution, see:

Cars make pollution.
[but this begs an explanations, suppose ielts examiner don't have a car or he/she have a electric car, how he/she suppose to know that ?? right!! ]
now how:
After burning petrol or diesel cars release dangerous gases, such as carbon-monoxide.
now effect:
These gases are detrimental for human health because they cause wide range of diseases, such as Asthma and cough.
now effect or repercussion of that disease.
In-fact, Children are most vulnerable to these diseases because of their weak immune system as compared to adults.
now what to do to stop these diseases and link back to main idea, pollution
Undoubtedly, for better future, we must adopt electrical vehicles and strongly discourage old traditional/conventional combustion engine cars, which are the main source of pollution of cities.

that's 78 words, we need 90, 12 words short, you can add them in another para, adjust first lines of this one.

now you see the logic here, how one thing comes after another

that is a perfect way to build a para, In my personal opinion.


if there are two ideas in one para, surely they will become longer, you can make complex/compound sentence. and pack more info in less words.

same with two reason while keeping the idea same.
Globally, cars and factories are the major sources of pollution. Both release dangerous gases in enviroment, such as carbon-monoxide, these gases cause serious diseases like asthma. which cause million of deaths every year. In-fact, Children are most vulnerable, because of their weak immune system. To curb car's exhaust we must adopt new electric cars which use rechargeable batteries as their power source instead of conventional combustion engines and discourage companies to build cars with 100 year old technology by imposing fines or taxes. By same method, there should be stringent laws that can hold factories accountable for their pollution, fines must be larger than cost of equipment used to filter exhaust gases, which will encourage owners to implement required measures.

120 words,

hope it explains, to some extent.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:
According to those in the travel business, the nature of the average 'holiday' is changing. Rather than seeking a relaxing break in a far-away place, people now want excitement on their holidays and are keen to participate in unusual and challenging activities.
Do you agree or disagree?

Many people argue that the trend of once-fancied reclusive and relaxing holidays has lost it’s charm and travellers are more interested in happening places with plethora of adventurous activities. I do not completely agree with the notion that serene holiday’s on exotic locations has lost its demand and adventurous activities are all the rage now. I believe, travellers want a healthy blend of adventure and leisure at one place where they can spend quality time over the vacations.

feels quite heavy, but there's more good.

In my opinion, peaceful and relaxing vacations can never become out of fad, as everyone goes to holidays to unwind themselves and find an escape from the bustling life of urban landscape. This is the reason that beaches of Thailand and the mountains of Turkey are still the famous tourist spots. Still throngs of tourists visit these countries every year to have some idle time on scenic locations. Still there are thousands of resorts on remote locations crammed with tourists offering nothing more than a scenic view and relaxing ambiance.

don't you think that opinion in first line is wrong or odd ??

vocab is good,
see still.

Nevertheless, adventurous holidays has also become popular in recent years. This is one of the reason that activities like Sky diving, Scuba diving, Bungee jumping and Kayaking are mushrooming in all famous hotspots of the world. No tourist destination is considered complete without the arrangement of these activities. Moreover, adventure water parks have become an essential part of most visited cities of the world and travellers love to spend a day or two in these park enjoying the thirlling rides with their families and friends.

again vocab is good,

By and large, tourist of today wants a blend of peace and adventure. They want to spend few days relaxing in the resort beside a pool or a beach, while rest of the days in an adventure park or a scuba diving boat.

every thing is fine, personally, I am not happy with your logic, you combined both ideas together, I think,it will work against task achievement, they are simply asking agree or disagree, just give 2 reasons for it, I will advice you to not experiment with these essays, at-least in original exam essay. be on safe side, you just need 7, which is possible by using simple methods. my experiments made me write all those exams, it worked when I used simple stuff.

 

[MaryNguyen]

again, there should be only one idea in one paragraph, suppose "pollution"

now there are thousand reason of pollution, right, but how many can you explain in around 90 words.

I think one or two, I will write 2, to be on the safe side,

now saying one thing, and explaining the same thing, are two different things.

now to explain one idea, pollution, first I will state one reason. then I will explain how it contributes to pollution, see:

Cars make pollution.
[but this begs an explanations, suppose ielts examiner don't have a car or he/she have a electric car, how he/she suppose to know that ?? right!! ]
now how:
After burning petrol or diesel cars release dangerous gases, such as carbon-monoxide.
now effect:
These gases are detrimental for human health because they cause wide range of diseases, such as Asthma and cough.
now effect or repercussion of that disease.
In-fact, Children are most vulnerable to these diseases because of their weak immune system as compared to adults.
now what to do to stop these diseases and link back to main idea, pollution
Undoubtedly, for better future, we must adopt electrical vehicles and strongly discourage old traditional/conventional combustion engine cars, which are the main source of pollution of cities.

that's 78 words, we need 90, 12 words short, you can add them in another para, adjust first lines of this one.

now you see the logic here, how one thing comes after another

that is a perfect way to build a para, In my personal opinion.


if there are two ideas in one para, surely they will become longer, you can make complex/compound sentence. and pack more info in less words.

same with two reason while keeping the idea same.
Globally, cars and factories are the major sources of pollution. Both release dangerous gases in enviroment, such as carbon-monoxide, these gases cause serious diseases like asthma. which cause million of deaths every year. In-fact, Children are most vulnerable, because of their weak immune system. To curb car's exhaust we must adopt new electric cars which use rechargeable batteries as their power source instead of conventional combustion engines and discourage companies to build cars with 100 year old technology by imposing fines or taxes. By same method, there should be stringent laws that can hold factories accountable for their pollution, fines must be larger than cost of equipment used to filter exhaust gases, which will encourage owners to implement required measures.

120 words,

hope it explains, to some extent.

Thank you. I asked because I believe that there are some requirements like this: "what are the reasonS?", "what problemS..." and I have to answer at least 2 ideas. One more scenario is when I can not think of in-depth supporting ideas or explanations, I resort to writing two ideas, some topics like art, culture, history,...are tough to me.
Once again, thank Hope.

 

[Moeedkh]

feels quite heavy, but there's more good.

don't you think that opinion in first line is wrong or odd ??

vocab is good,
see still.



again vocab is good,




every thing is fine, personally, I am not happy with your logic, you combined both ideas together, I think,it will work against task achievement, they are simply asking agree or disagree, just give 2 reasons for it, I will advice you to not experiment with these essays, at-least in original exam essay. be on safe side, you just need 7, which is possible by using simple methods. my experiments made me write all those exams, it worked when I used simple stuff.

Isn't it good to be heavy ? specially when one can..

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Isn't it good to be heavy ? specially when one can..

totally, I used to think like that, did the same as you are doing now, got scolded by my examiner for this, kept doing it, never got the bands, then I enlightened myself with power of simplicity, I just need 7 band, no need to show the prowess of my vocabulary.

It is good, if it comes naturally to you, if you are thinking about which words you can insert, its working against you.

so
natural = good, this means you know the word by heart, usage will be good.
force = bad , you will use the word in wrong context, it will work against you.

last thing, there are 4 criteria, check this pdf carefully. vocab is one part.
http://www.ge.tt/25nKiur2

I see you have good vocab, now focus on your task achievement, cohesion and coherence, your grammar is already good enough for 7 bands.

best of luck, make sure you read other reviews and just go back in this thread, and read them, will help you alot, revise them please. its for your own good.

again waiting for your next essay.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Thank you. I asked because I believe that there are some requirements like this: "what are the reasonS?", "what problemS..." and I have to answer at least 2 ideas. One more scenario is when I can not think of in-depth supporting ideas or explanations, I resort to writing two ideas, some topics like art, culture, history,...are tough to me.
Once again, thank Hope.

read the books you have now, I am sure they will clear your doubts better than me.

Two ideas are always better, but don't leave one idea by mentioning only, and fully explaining the other one, balance them.

 

[MaryNguyen]

I understand that I should read more materials before writing, but I have already written this essay. If you are free, please have a look at it. do not hesitate to be tough on me because that's exactly what I need now. Thank you, friends. By the way, if you could, please give the band score that you reckon.
Question: For schoolchildren, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social development than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Answer:

It is true that children are future of a nation and their growth often lies at the heart of debates. While I accept that families exert influences on their offsprings to a certain level, I firmly believe that teachers’influences are more substantial on children’s cognitive and social development.


On the one hand, parents have an important role to play in their children’progress. Because mothers and fathers are in charge of daily tasks such as cleaning, cooking, feeding, driving children to school and picking them from school, sons and daughters feel their parents’love, deeming their parents exemplary and spontaneously imitating them. These young members observe and copy the ways their parents behave and communicate. As well as this, parents also show their children whether they should and should not do particular activities in terms of social and legal perspectives. Thus, it is evident that parents do have impact on children.


However, teachers have profound influences on children. The key rationale is that children interact their teachers 8 hours a day and throughout this period, teachers teach them a multitude of subjects from basic such as writing and literature to advanced such as communication and problem-solving skills, depending on their age. On the contrary, some parents may be drowned in work and find it difficult to manage time for their children. This circumstance would emphasize the integral part of teachers in case of adolescents since these teenagers tend to be rebellious or prove theirselves and claim their independence from their parents. For this special stage of maturation, teens are more likely to accept sympathy and advice from teachers rather than parents.


In conclusion, although parents nurture and educate their children every day, it seems to me that it is teachers who are more influential on the mental development of schoolchildren. (298 words)

 

[Heyfonsi]

Please sent PDF to anwarshanid@gmail.com

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

I understand that I should read more materials before writing, but I have already written this essay. If you are free, please have a look at it. do not hesitate to be tough on me because that's exactly what I need now. Thank you, friends. By the way, if you could, please give the band score that you reckon.
Question: For schoolchildren, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social development than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Answer:

you said, tough ? let's see then, everything is my take so keep an eye.

It is true that children are future of a nation and their growth often lies at the heart of debates.
[I say out of context, it feels like you are fluffing the essay with words. reason : future, nation, growth, debates ? what is all this. question is about influence. ]

While I accept that families exert influences on their offsprings to a certain level, I firmly believe that teachers’ influences are more substantial on children’s cognitive and social development.

this last is enough for introduction, but does not mean that you should start writing like that. but it fulfills the purpose.

1st line is bad, rest is very good.

On the one hand, parents have an important role to play in their children’ progress. Because mothers and fathers are in charge of daily tasks such as cleaning, cooking, feeding, driving children to school and picking them from school, sons and daughters feel their parents’ love, deeming their parents exemplary and spontaneously imitating them.
wow, mind blowing, so much meat in one sentence.

These young members observe and copy the ways their parents behave and communicate.
I see, you are using vocab, "young member", but I feel, you are using is wrongly, because members of what ?, society, so mention it.

As well as this, parents also show their children whether they should and should not do particular activities in terms of social and legal perspectives.

Thus, it is evident that parents do have impact on children.

very well written paragraph, clearly its band 7 or more. its crisp, clear and concise, to the point no bullshit, or digressing, everything is totally relevant to the point, one para has main central idea.

However, teachers have profound influences on children.

The key rationale is that children interact their teachers 8 hours a day and throughout this period, teachers teach them a multitude of subjects from basic such as writing and literature to advanced such as communication and problem-solving skills, depending on their age.

On the contrary, some parents may be drowned in work and find it difficult to manage time for their children.

This circumstance would emphasize the integral part of teachers in case of adolescents since these teenagers tend to be rebellious or prove theirselves [ themselves] and claim their independence from their parents.

For this special stage of maturation, teens are more likely to accept sympathy and advice from teachers rather than parents.

again, clear, to the point,

In conclusion, although parents nurture and educate their children every day, it seems to me that it is teachers who are more influential on the mental development of school children. (298 words)

nice summary, without any mess.

there are no big issues in this essay, I would say it can get you 7 to 7.5 easily. it is certainly better than most band 7 sample essays.

keep repeating it,
don't change your strategy,
practice it more,
so can write essay quickly in exam and then recheck it for 15 times.



one thing, in first para, you started it with, on the one hand
I was expecting, on the other hand in second one.
I have seen in sample essays, exact opposite of it, no "on the one hand" first para, but you find "on the other hand " in starting of second para.
so I am not sure, if you are right or wrong. but its odd.

one thing which is missing, Idiomatic language, there are no idioms, anywhere in this essay.

its okay if there's no chance to insert one, but they are expecting you to use it. So find some common easy to use idioms which can be used in ielts essays topic contexts.

 

[cansha]

one thing, in first para, you started it with, on the one hand
I was expecting, on the other hand in second one.
I have seen in sample essays, exact opposite of it, no "on the one hand" first para, but you find "on the other hand " in starting of second para.
so I am not sure, if you are right or wrong. but its odd.

Personally, I think the construct of "on the one hand .... and on the other hand" should be used for ideas which are in direct contradiction to each other or have more direct relationship...

A lame example like ... On the one hand I love to eat chocolates but on the other hand I'm worried I might gain weight because of that.

In the above essay it is possible to do so depending on how you frame your argument. So for example something like

On the one hand role of parents is really important in development of kids as parents love the kids and are emotionally invested in their well being.

On the other hand teachers can take emotion out of the equation and identify a child's learning needs better.

Again above is a lame example. But, I hope the point is clear. The construct should not just be used to open a paragraph. The idea is either a common idea but used differently or the ideas are in direct contradiction to each other. Then it makes sense to use on one hand ... on other hand.

I think in the current essay if we remove "On the one hand" from the second para it will have no impact whatsoever on the final outcome of the paragraph. My suggestion would be to avoid using the construct altogether for the simple reason is that it is way overused in IELTS and it rarely adds any more value to the paragraph.

 

[MaryNguyen]

Thank Hope and Cansha, your comments are precious.
I was taught that I should write something general about the topic, in this essay is children'development, to lead in an essay. Haizz, my teacher even taught us to write 4 sentences for introduction. I find it redundant.
For the lack of idiomatic language, it's my weakness. The total time I have spent on learning English is meager so I think my English is kinda unnatural. It's difficult to improve this in short term. I'll dig in some that easy to insert into a range of topics.
Well, I'll read some materials before writing more.
Once again, I appreciate your time and attention to my posts, friends.

 

[cansha]

Thank Hope and Cansha, your comments are precious.
I was taught that I should write something general about the topic, in this essay is children'development, to lead in an essay. Haizz, my teacher even taught us to write 4 sentences for introduction. I find it redundant.
For the lack of idiomatic language, it's my weakness. The total time I have spent on learning English is meager so I think my English is kinda unnatural. It's difficult to improve this in short term. I'll dig in some that easy to insert into a range of topics.
Well, I'll read some materials before writing more.
Once again, I appreciate your time and attention to my posts, friends.

Essays are subjective. I disagree with Hopeandfaith on not using a generic intro line . However, I don't like sentences in generic intro line which start with "it is true that", "it is known that", "it can be said that". I think if you remove that I'm okay with the first sentence. Just make a statement and don't assume that "it is known" or "it is true". One sentence will not make or break your essay. So if you feel comfortable starting your essays like that, do that.

It is true that children are future of a nation and their growth often lies at the heart of debates.

Secondly, to be honest, I don't get a feeling your English is unnatural when I read your posts or essays. So, although it may be true that you have not spent a long time in learning English, I can assure you that your English is much better than you give yourself credit. Just focus on things you want to improve and you will do well.

 

[MaryNguyen]

Dear Cansha,
I wish I could give you a hug. Nope, a thousand hugs.
I'm absolutely agree that essays are subjective but that's much. I have read materials from Simon, Chris Pell (ieltsadvantage), Pauline Cullen, and now Ryan Higgins. Their recommendations are different. For example:
# Simon said do not include prediction or recommendation in Conclusion, others said candidates should include.
# Simon write Conclusion by one sentence to repeat his opinion, others said candidates should summarize what they have said in Body before stating their opinion or something like that. The difference here is a summary of reasons, problems or causes...
# In the thesis statement in opinion essay (to what extent...), sometimes Simon writes " while I accept xyzabc, I believe efghij is more... " to show that he partly agree, but another teacher said that candidates should state clearly like this: " I completely agree " or " I partly agree " to guarantee the clarity.
#One of my essays was given 6.5 by my teacher, then my friend who is also a teacher sent it to Beyden Dingle ( passyourielts ) and he gave 7.5-8.0 OMG.
You know, all the words, structures and sentences I used are from materials and teachers, I can not create them.
Now, I'm drowning in confusions ( crying... )
I'm standing down of a mountain where you guys have conquered and been on the top of it. I look at you to be motivated

 

[Moeedkh]

Present a written argument to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Businesses should do anything they can to make a profit.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

Version 1

It is a popular belief that businesses should do, whatever they want, to increase their bottom lines because their sole purpose of existence is money-minting. However, I totally disagree with the notion. Companies should not adopt any means that are declared illegal by common law or violates the ‘Corporate Social Responsibility’ (CSR) clause of corporate law.

In our society, many illicit activities can significantly enhance the bottom line or monopoly of any organization, for instance, bribery or covert cartel making etc. Bribery can influence government regulating authorities to condone some of the companies violations and an illegal cartel can effect the price-demand balance of the market suppressing any real competition. Both of these activities are strictly prohibited by law; although they can elevate their profits to unprecedented levels. Therefore, no organization is supposed to exploit these avenues to expand their business and any attempt to do so, will call for a legal action against practitioners.

Similarly, there is a stringent code of corporate social responsibility in our law and all businesses are expected to adhere to it. CSR is a combination of ethical obligations on any organization towards the environment and humans of their operating country. For instance, they cannot pollute the environment beyond a certain threshold to produce or process their products. Nobody is actually measuring pollution created by them, but it is their own moral obligation to curb emissions or industrial waste to ensure a healthy environment for the human beings.

Altogether, no business is allowed to resort to illegal or socially unacceptable means to create profits for their shareholders. More stringent laws and regulating authorities should be developed to scrutinize the businesses of all strata.

Version 2
It is a popular belief that businesses should do, whatever they want, to increase their bottom lines because their sole purpose of existence is money-minting. However, I totally disagree with the notion. Companies should not adopt any means that are deemed illegal by common law or violates their corporate social responsibility.

Companies can enhance and expand their businesses by resorting to many illegal activities such as bribery, cartel making or over-promising. Such kind of activities are strictly prohibited by law; though, they are covertly practiced by many organizations in the world. Governments should strengthen their rules and regulations to abstain companies from such non-legit activities. Moreover, law enforcement agencies should more aggressively pursue the violators to ensure rule of law.

Similarly, there is responsibility of all businesses towards the society in which they operate. This is called corporate social responsibility in business terms. It is the ethical expectation from all businesses that they act responsibly and do not harm the environment or human beings in order to make profits. For instance, a growing issue of pollution has always been talked about. Many industries do not properly dispose off their waste leading to air or water pollution as it costs them a lot of money. Businesses should not do such irreversible harm to environment for the sake of their money as they will also suffer from the consequences.

Altogether, no business should not be allowed to resort to illegal or socially unacceptable means to create profits for their shareholders. More stringent laws and regulating authorities should be developed to scrutinize the businesses of all strata.