Thank you very much for such a detailed feedback. I will improve and will submit another.
IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.
- Thread starter H0peAndFa1th
- Start date
@SR_T
Please review this one. Others can share their valuable feedback too.
Adults today do not do enough exercise. Some people believe that showing major sports events like the Olympics or the World Cup on television encourages people to exercise. Others argue that there are better ways to encourage adults to move more.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Nowadays, youngsters don’t spare adequate time for exercise. Some people opine that coverage of Sports events will motivate people for exercise, while others believe that there are better options available for adults. In my opinion, although other ways do help but using electronic media will assist better in motivating youngsters for physical activities. This essay will discuss both point of view.
On the one hand, proponents say that sports make people emotionally and physically charged. Being young is an age where people are open to new challenges. They do get inspiration from watching their favorite athletes on the court, eventually helping them in becoming more active physically. For instance, a survey in New York magazine on playing areas concluded that presence of adults increased in public playing areas after the ending of a major tournament. For this reason, it is quite evident that sports events must get adequate airtime.
On the other hand, some alternate ways do help in making adults more active physically as argued by opponents because many people watch sports merely for entertainment. For such adults, people suggest that Universities and later companies can arrange leisure activities with prime focus on physical movements. Additionally, free or discounted memberships to Gymkhana from employers will eventually encourage young people to spend time exercising.
To conclude, although getting support from Universities and employers do help in moving adults, inspiring them from Televisions is a far better way of making them active considering today’s fast-paced world. One athlete has the power of motivating others to be on the same physical path.
Please review this one. Others can share their valuable feedback too.
Adults today do not do enough exercise. Some people believe that showing major sports events like the Olympics or the World Cup on television encourages people to exercise. Others argue that there are better ways to encourage adults to move more.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Nowadays, youngsters don’t spare adequate time for exercise. Some people opine that coverage of Sports events will motivate people for exercise, while others believe that there are better options available for adults. In my opinion, although other ways do help but using electronic media will assist better in motivating youngsters for physical activities. This essay will discuss both point of view.
On the one hand, proponents say that sports make people emotionally and physically charged. Being young is an age where people are open to new challenges. They do get inspiration from watching their favorite athletes on the court, eventually helping them in becoming more active physically. For instance, a survey in New York magazine on playing areas concluded that presence of adults increased in public playing areas after the ending of a major tournament. For this reason, it is quite evident that sports events must get adequate airtime.
On the other hand, some alternate ways do help in making adults more active physically as argued by opponents because many people watch sports merely for entertainment. For such adults, people suggest that Universities and later companies can arrange leisure activities with prime focus on physical movements. Additionally, free or discounted memberships to Gymkhana from employers will eventually encourage young people to spend time exercising.
To conclude, although getting support from Universities and employers do help in moving adults, inspiring them from Televisions is a far better way of making them active considering today’s fast-paced world. One athlete has the power of motivating others to be on the same physical path.
I think this is a better essay then the previous one. However, you can still improve by making things simpler. I feel as if you are trying too hard and as such the flow is missing.
Example:
In my opinion, although other ways do help but using electronic media will assist better in motivating youngsters for physical activities. This essay will discuss both point of view.
Consider rewriting it like This essay will discuss both point of view and opine that...your opinion
Band score: 6.5 (My opinion)
Plz solve my query as tomorrow is my exam.....I am stuck at 6.5 in writing general....In agree disagree essay,some sites mention that both bp's should include one side like if I agree with the essay , I must write points for agree in both bp.....some sites mention that if I am on agree side I should write it's points in first bp and in second bp , I should write points for others view that is disagree.....Plz help
Can anyone please evaluate my essay , I have my exam on tomorrow: (26th) Please fast
Dear @H0peAndFa1th and @cansha or any volunteer
Nowadays in many countries women have full time jobs. Therefore, it is logical to share household tasks evenly between men and women. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
In this contemporary world, women are working on regular jobs, therefore, both men and women should allocate household work equally. In my opinion, I agree that sharing day-to-day tasks with each other will surely reduce workload and stress levels among families.
One evident reason to divide tasks among working women is that this will share overall workload of women. At enterprises, women have to deal with plethora of work assignments and then at home they have to work until midnight in order to accomplish their home tasks. If this burden is shared by men, it will immensely benefit women at home as well as at work.
Another possible point to consider is that if men provide help to women equally, women will eventually stay anxiety free. This can only be acquired if they spare time from daily routine and spend time with their family members. For example, one recent survey in Times revealed that all those women whose husbands started helping them, are happier and relaxed as compared to other working women who have to deal with all the tasks alone.
Finally, government and NGO's can work towards spreading awareness among people about the gender equality and benefits of sharing household work. These programs can highly influence people, who are still hesitating to help their wives and mothers in the kitchen. In addition, this effort by the government will motivate hypocrite people to abandon their traditional believes.
To reiterate, our society can be a better place if people starting doing their tasks mutually, regardless of their gender.(257 words)
Dear @H0peAndFa1th and @cansha or any volunteer
Nowadays in many countries women have full time jobs. Therefore, it is logical to share household tasks evenly between men and women. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
In this contemporary world, women are working on regular jobs, therefore, both men and women should allocate household work equally. In my opinion, I agree that sharing day-to-day tasks with each other will surely reduce workload and stress levels among families.
One evident reason to divide tasks among working women is that this will share overall workload of women. At enterprises, women have to deal with plethora of work assignments and then at home they have to work until midnight in order to accomplish their home tasks. If this burden is shared by men, it will immensely benefit women at home as well as at work.
Another possible point to consider is that if men provide help to women equally, women will eventually stay anxiety free. This can only be acquired if they spare time from daily routine and spend time with their family members. For example, one recent survey in Times revealed that all those women whose husbands started helping them, are happier and relaxed as compared to other working women who have to deal with all the tasks alone.
Finally, government and NGO's can work towards spreading awareness among people about the gender equality and benefits of sharing household work. These programs can highly influence people, who are still hesitating to help their wives and mothers in the kitchen. In addition, this effort by the government will motivate hypocrite people to abandon their traditional believes.
To reiterate, our society can be a better place if people starting doing their tasks mutually, regardless of their gender.(257 words)
Dear @cansha @H0peAndFa1th
Can you please evaluate my writing task II.
Many teenagers today work part-time while they study. What benefits does this bring? Are there any drawbacks?
In recent times, college students are often seen doing part-time jobs alongside carrying their studies. While these jobs generate a reasonable amount of money and enable them to gain some practical experience, there are certain downsides to working post school-time.
On the one hand, there are certain benefits of doing part-time jobs and the most important is the financial one. Students earn quite a reasonable amount of money through these jobs, which decreases financial pressure on their families back home and enables them to become self-dependent. Hence, they spend their money more freely then as compared to how they did earlier. In addition, through these jobs students gain experience in their field of education and their resumes, post studies, become more powerful than those who don’t do these jobs.
On the other hand, it has been observed that the teenagers who work after school time are generally not performing well in their studies. This is mainly because of the imbalance in their work and studies time. After working for whole day, students are left with a very small amount of time to cover their syllabus and they are unable to do their assignments and homework. Moreover, working for longer periods of time after attending college affects their health in a bad manner. Especially those students, who continuously perform manly jobs for a certain period of time generally get sick and are often seen getting regular checkups in hospitals. Hence, these students are unable to compete with those who don’t do part-time jobs.
In conclusion, although part time jobs enable students to get some experience and earn some money, but they could also affect their studies in a wrong way. Therefore, students shall think twice before opting for part-time jobs.
Can you please evaluate my writing task II.
Many teenagers today work part-time while they study. What benefits does this bring? Are there any drawbacks?
In recent times, college students are often seen doing part-time jobs alongside carrying their studies. While these jobs generate a reasonable amount of money and enable them to gain some practical experience, there are certain downsides to working post school-time.
On the one hand, there are certain benefits of doing part-time jobs and the most important is the financial one. Students earn quite a reasonable amount of money through these jobs, which decreases financial pressure on their families back home and enables them to become self-dependent. Hence, they spend their money more freely then as compared to how they did earlier. In addition, through these jobs students gain experience in their field of education and their resumes, post studies, become more powerful than those who don’t do these jobs.
On the other hand, it has been observed that the teenagers who work after school time are generally not performing well in their studies. This is mainly because of the imbalance in their work and studies time. After working for whole day, students are left with a very small amount of time to cover their syllabus and they are unable to do their assignments and homework. Moreover, working for longer periods of time after attending college affects their health in a bad manner. Especially those students, who continuously perform manly jobs for a certain period of time generally get sick and are often seen getting regular checkups in hospitals. Hence, these students are unable to compete with those who don’t do part-time jobs.
In conclusion, although part time jobs enable students to get some experience and earn some money, but they could also affect their studies in a wrong way. Therefore, students shall think twice before opting for part-time jobs.
Hello,
i need feedback on this essay.
your help is appreciated.
Smacking children is the best form of discipline.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Physical punishment has increasingly become popular to discipline children. Some people believe that punishment is the best method to raise children. This essay will argue why punishing children is completely unacceptable for their upbringing.
On one hand, Parents feel that hitting children is the most effective form for building good behavior. They think that, it would immediately remind the children of the pain before doing a mischievous act. Reasonably, younger generations are more exposed to crimes and painful punishment can teach them to stay away from it. Due to these circumstances, smacking children is found to be the best and easy way to teach manners to their children.
On the other hand, the idea of hitting children to teach discipline is entirely preposterous. Physical punishment destroys children’s personality and confidence that leads to indecisive nature. It makes them more violent and aggressive as they grow old because this is what they had been taught while growing up. Besides, there are many other safer options to discipline a child. Take for example, making them do house chores as a punishment or counseling can be another option too. Overall, the idea that smacking discipline the children is dangerous in itself and could potentially lead to a far worse outcome for the society.
This essay argued that those who believe that hitting children teaches discipline have flawed the understanding of their children’s nature and the affects of what they think. In my opinion, smacking is completely not the best way to raise children and the reasons have been justified.
i need feedback on this essay.
your help is appreciated.
Smacking children is the best form of discipline.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Physical punishment has increasingly become popular to discipline children. Some people believe that punishment is the best method to raise children. This essay will argue why punishing children is completely unacceptable for their upbringing.
On one hand, Parents feel that hitting children is the most effective form for building good behavior. They think that, it would immediately remind the children of the pain before doing a mischievous act. Reasonably, younger generations are more exposed to crimes and painful punishment can teach them to stay away from it. Due to these circumstances, smacking children is found to be the best and easy way to teach manners to their children.
On the other hand, the idea of hitting children to teach discipline is entirely preposterous. Physical punishment destroys children’s personality and confidence that leads to indecisive nature. It makes them more violent and aggressive as they grow old because this is what they had been taught while growing up. Besides, there are many other safer options to discipline a child. Take for example, making them do house chores as a punishment or counseling can be another option too. Overall, the idea that smacking discipline the children is dangerous in itself and could potentially lead to a far worse outcome for the society.
This essay argued that those who believe that hitting children teaches discipline have flawed the understanding of their children’s nature and the affects of what they think. In my opinion, smacking is completely not the best way to raise children and the reasons have been justified.
Guys, I thought it would helpful for some so here is my IELTS story.
Below are my IELTS attempts.
BC Paper- LRWS 9/7.5/6.5/7
BC Paper LRWS 8.5/8.5/6.5/7
IDP CD - LRWS 8.5/8.5/6.5/7
BC CD - LRWS 8.5/9/6.5/7.5
BC CD - LRWS 8/7.5/7/6.5
IDP CD - LRWS 8.5/8/7/7.5
So I appeared for the Paper-based one's year back without any practice and lost hope. A couple of months back heard about the CD IELTS and decided to reappear by watching videos of several instructors and practising the full set of writing tasks twice a week. I got some feedback on this forum too, from @cansha who has been kind enough to help all of us. So this review helped me in understanding my issues which were the first two marking criteria, Task achievement and Coh&Cohesion. Also, the only channel on youtube which I would recommend would be of IELTSLiz. She keeps it simple and that's what has helped me. So for my last two attempts, I sort of prepared a format which I was going to follow for any essay or letter types. Sharing my secret sauce
After every sentence of my body paragraph, I would use one of these connectors. Start my body paragraph with Firstly or something which keeps it flowing.
Task 1
Formal
I am writing this letter with regards/ to complain/ to express my dissatisfaction
Dear Sir - Yours faithfully,
Dear Mr. Johnson - Yours sincerely,
Task 2
First Para: Paraphrase Thesis
It is a common belief that / It is widely accepted that / It is generally claimed that / A popular belief is that / generally ought to be
In my opinion,
2nd Para, Firstly, On the one hand - In other words,/Furthermore/ That is to say, /Also / To put it another way / likewise / the fact is that
particularly / specifically / especially / obviously / clearly / in particular
As a result / Consequently / Therefore / Thus / For this reason / Hence
For instance / A good illustration of this is / namely / One clear example is
however / inspite of / despite/ although / but / even though
So this worked for me. Hopefully works for everyone or if you're lacking on the bits where I lacked. All the best to everyone.
Below are my IELTS attempts.
BC Paper- LRWS 9/7.5/6.5/7
BC Paper LRWS 8.5/8.5/6.5/7
IDP CD - LRWS 8.5/8.5/6.5/7
BC CD - LRWS 8.5/9/6.5/7.5
BC CD - LRWS 8/7.5/7/6.5
IDP CD - LRWS 8.5/8/7/7.5
So I appeared for the Paper-based one's year back without any practice and lost hope. A couple of months back heard about the CD IELTS and decided to reappear by watching videos of several instructors and practising the full set of writing tasks twice a week. I got some feedback on this forum too, from @cansha who has been kind enough to help all of us. So this review helped me in understanding my issues which were the first two marking criteria, Task achievement and Coh&Cohesion. Also, the only channel on youtube which I would recommend would be of IELTSLiz. She keeps it simple and that's what has helped me. So for my last two attempts, I sort of prepared a format which I was going to follow for any essay or letter types. Sharing my secret sauce
After every sentence of my body paragraph, I would use one of these connectors. Start my body paragraph with Firstly or something which keeps it flowing.
Task 1
Formal
I am writing this letter with regards/ to complain/ to express my dissatisfaction
Dear Sir - Yours faithfully,
Dear Mr. Johnson - Yours sincerely,
Task 2
First Para: Paraphrase Thesis
It is a common belief that / It is widely accepted that / It is generally claimed that / A popular belief is that / generally ought to be
In my opinion,
2nd Para, Firstly, On the one hand - In other words,/Furthermore/ That is to say, /Also / To put it another way / likewise / the fact is that
particularly / specifically / especially / obviously / clearly / in particular
As a result / Consequently / Therefore / Thus / For this reason / Hence
For instance / A good illustration of this is / namely / One clear example is
however / inspite of / despite/ although / but / even though
So this worked for me. Hopefully works for everyone or if you're lacking on the bits where I lacked. All the best to everyone.
Heartiest congrats to you! I feel really happy to read these posts and to know I had a small part to play.Guys, I thought it would helpful for some so here is my IELTS story.
Below are my IELTS attempts.
BC Paper- LRWS 9/7.5/6.5/7
BC Paper LRWS 8.5/8.5/6.5/7
IDP CD - LRWS 8.5/8.5/6.5/7
BC CD - LRWS 8.5/9/6.5/7.5
BC CD - LRWS 8/7.5/7/6.5
IDP CD - LRWS 8.5/8/7/7.5
So I appeared for the Paper-based one's year back without any practice and lost hope. A couple of months back heard about the CD IELTS and decided to reappear by watching videos of several instructors and practising the full set of writing tasks twice a week. I got some feedback on this forum too, from @cansha who has been kind enough to help all of us. So this review helped me in understanding my issues which were the first two marking criteria, Task achievement and Coh&Cohesion. Also, the only channel on youtube which I would recommend would be of IELTSLiz. She keeps it simple and that's what has helped me. So for my last two attempts, I sort of prepared a format which I was going to follow for any essay or letter types. Sharing my secret sauce
After every sentence of my body paragraph, I would use one of these connectors. Start my body paragraph with Firstly or something which keeps it flowing.
Task 1
Formal
I am writing this letter with regards/ to complain/ to express my dissatisfaction
Dear Sir - Yours faithfully,
Dear Mr. Johnson - Yours sincerely,
Task 2
First Para: Paraphrase Thesis
It is a common belief that / It is widely accepted that / It is generally claimed that / A popular belief is that / generally ought to be
In my opinion,
2nd Para, Firstly, On the one hand - In other words,/Furthermore/ That is to say, /Also / To put it another way / likewise / the fact is that
particularly / specifically / especially / obviously / clearly / in particular
As a result / Consequently / Therefore / Thus / For this reason / Hence
For instance / A good illustration of this is / namely / One clear example is
however / inspite of / despite/ although / but / even though
So this worked for me. Hopefully works for everyone or if you're lacking on the bits where I lacked. All the best to everyone.
And you're correct, the biggest hindrance to scoring a 7+ score is Task Response and C&C. If one focuses on these two the chances of scoring 7+ go high.
Wish you all the best for rest of the process!
I'm sorry couldn't review this before the exam. Hope your exam went well and you will get the result you want. All the best!
In recent times, college students are often seen doing part-time jobs alongside
While these jobs generate a reasonable amount of money and enable them to gain some practical experience, there are certain downsides to working post school-time. Okay good structure but argument is hanging and you can do a little better on task response. The question asks you what are the benefits and drawbacks. I know the first part of the argument is supposed to be benefits but just mention that and just like benefits mention the drawbacks also which you will explore in the following paragraphs. Right now it is not balanced as you give examples of benefits but not of drawbacks.
On the one hand, there are certain benefits of doing part-time jobs and the most important is the financial one. Weak first line. See the idea is good and explained well in the next line but then use that idea to make the argument in first sentence itself. Right now this sentence is just a generic sentence.
Students earn quite a reasonable amount of money through these jobs, which decreases financial pressure on their families back home and enables them to become self-dependent.
For example if kind of combine ideas in first two sentences and write opening line like - On the one hand, part-time jobs allow students to earn a reasonable amount of money thereby reducing financial pressure on their families back home ..... blah blah
This way you are expanding on your idea in the introduction. Based on this I would go back and change your introduction line and replace "reasonable amount of money" and say While these jobs have advantages like better financial independence .... blah blah
Now if you will read back in introduction you say financial independence ... and then corroborate or expand that in the very first line by explaining how? That gives you good points in task response as well as C&C.
Hope it makes sense
Hence, they spend their money more freely then as compared to how they did earlier. This line is not useful
In addition, through these jobs students gain experience in their field of education and their resumes, post studies, become more powerful than those who don’t do these jobs. Need to better explain this idea.
On the other hand, it has been observed that the teenagers who work after school time are generally not performing well in their studies. This is mainly because of the imbalance in their work and studies time. Again same feedback as previous paragraph.
After working for whole day, students are left with a very small amount of time to cover their syllabus and they are unable to do their assignments and homework. Moreover, working for longer periods of time after attending college affects their health in a bad manner. Especially those students, who continuously perform manly jobs for a certain period of time generally get sick and are often seen getting regular checkups in hospitals. This line was unnecessary. You could have just said that longer periods impact their health due to lack of rest or stress but regular check-ups in hospital is not a good argument. Even healthy people go for regular health checkups.
Hence, these students are unable to compete with those who don’t do part-time jobs.
In conclusion, although part time jobs enable students to get some experience and earn some money, but they could also affect their studies in a wrong way. Therefore, students shall think twice before opting for part-time jobs.
Conclusion could be better.
Overall, you have the ideas and structure is more or less pretty good. You can improve your task response and C&C by just using your ideas and arranging them better. All the best!
@cansha can you please evaluate this too?
Hello,this is my first post here.
kindly evaluate.
Some people think it is important to take risks in order to be successful, while others believe if you're careful and cautious, you will eventually be far more successful than those who take risks.
Which viewpoint do you agree with and why?
WORDS:273
There is a view that it is necessary to be a risk-taker in order to be a successful man, whereas another opinion is that there is a large number of people who only considers safe steps to achieve big goals and ultimately success.This essay will argue why I agree with the latter statement in terms of efficient decision making and calculated expenditure of money.
In the first instance, many argue that decisions have to be taken wisely. Perhaps the main reason why people are in favour of it is because critical analysis is vital for future plannings.For intance, a Phd student ,who got an offer from abroad for higher studies, properly evaluates the pros and cons of the coarse offered by the foreign university. Not only does it make her selection appropiate , but it also does not waste her three years duration.Therefore, it is understandable that the idea of carefulness and cautiousness to make an achievement has garnerned a lot of support.
In addition to this, if a person is diligent, he will fetch something bigger.Take business men, for example. Unlike in the past, people today spend their considerable money on those products only that are common and widely available in todays’s highly competitive job market. One research article suggests that this method has given benefit to many investors in developing countries, such as India and Pakistan.Consequently, I also side with those who evaluates first and then move ahead.
In conclusion,this is a topic which is very relevant to modern society. I believe that, all things considered, success comes to those who are good at making desicions and use their money wisely.
Hello,this is my first post here.
kindly evaluate.
Some people think it is important to take risks in order to be successful, while others believe if you're careful and cautious, you will eventually be far more successful than those who take risks.
Which viewpoint do you agree with and why?
WORDS:273
There is a view that it is necessary to be a risk-taker in order to be a successful man, whereas another opinion is that there is a large number of people who only considers safe steps to achieve big goals and ultimately success.This essay will argue why I agree with the latter statement in terms of efficient decision making and calculated expenditure of money.
In the first instance, many argue that decisions have to be taken wisely. Perhaps the main reason why people are in favour of it is because critical analysis is vital for future plannings.For intance, a Phd student ,who got an offer from abroad for higher studies, properly evaluates the pros and cons of the coarse offered by the foreign university. Not only does it make her selection appropiate , but it also does not waste her three years duration.Therefore, it is understandable that the idea of carefulness and cautiousness to make an achievement has garnerned a lot of support.
In addition to this, if a person is diligent, he will fetch something bigger.Take business men, for example. Unlike in the past, people today spend their considerable money on those products only that are common and widely available in todays’s highly competitive job market. One research article suggests that this method has given benefit to many investors in developing countries, such as India and Pakistan.Consequently, I also side with those who evaluates first and then move ahead.
In conclusion,this is a topic which is very relevant to modern society. I believe that, all things considered, success comes to those who are good at making desicions and use their money wisely.
Hi Dear,
It's ok that you haven't found time to evaluate. My exam went well, but just curious if you could evaluate my essay. I am planning to apply for retake in mid of Now. This is my first essay on this forum.
Can you please provide your valuable feedback.
Thanks in Advance..!!
It's ok that you haven't found time to evaluate. My exam went well, but just curious if you could evaluate my essay. I am planning to apply for retake in mid of Now. This is my first essay on this forum.
Can you please provide your valuable feedback.
Thanks in Advance..!!