How to make friends in Canada

[Yasmeenxox]

Hi everyone, I will be resettling in Canada after 8 years. I would like to get some advice on how to make friends in Canada, Ontario. I am 35 yr old female with Pakistani heritage. I was not born in Canada and although I was raised there (since the age of 10) I feel I am not the typical Canadian nor Pakistani, therefore I have always had a hard time making friends and keeping friends. I feel I can't make friends with other people because I feel they will eventually find me dull and boring. The other reason is that many other people who are in their 30s have kids and I dont have any kids so it is difficult to find people with the same interests. Many Pakistanis have made tons of friends with other pakistanis and Canadians, but I still can't make friends with anyone. My friendship is always short. I have become an introvert over the years realizing that just who I am, but since I am resettling in Canada I feel I have a new beginning and would love to make friends. I would like you to advise me on some questions.
1) How do you make friends?
2) How do you keep friends?
3) What to talk about? I often have no clue what to talk about with other people. I find if I ask them about themselves, then that may seem too personal. If I talk about myself, then it seems like I am barging. If I talk about other people then it seems like I am gossiping. What should I talk about?

Any advise is welcome, but no rude comments please!

 

[Yasmeenxox]

I forgot to mention this but I am married and my husband has plenty of friends. He is a people person and gets along with people. I have tried making friends with my husband's friends' wives but I still lost. I have asked him how he makes friends and he has given me some pointers but they haven't worked for me. Often when he goes to meet with his friends he has a good time. I on the other had am bored out of my mind.

 

[sharedknowledge]

I forgot to mention this but I am married and my husband has plenty of friends. He is a people person and gets along with people. I have tried making friends with my husband's friends' wives but I still lost. I have asked him how he makes friends and he has given me some pointers but they haven't worked for me. Often when he goes to meet with his friends he has a good time. I on the other had am bored out of my mind.

I have similar problem.

Any advice from experts an experienced mates are badly needed.

 

[newtone]

Read the book "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie

 

[HHH2000]

You have a very common Physiological problem and physiatrist can be help to you in Canada, as boring, sudden sadness and dullness of mood is very well understood problem in Canada as compare to Pakistan.

 

[catwomancat]

Hey,

I would not worry much about that. The main problem that you should tackle is you blaming yourself for this. Not having friends does not mean you are boring or dull. It just means that you have not yet met the right people for you- people who would understand you. As for having bunch of friends, trust me sometimes you can be surrounded by tens of 'friends' and among them you would have just one (or non) real friend who would help out when you are in need.

Try registering in some courses, or join a community class, if you are not working... maybe you can open up to people but do not try so hard. And to ease the pressure off yourself, maybe you can aim at having 'acquaintances' rather than friends and see how it goes. I never thought finding real friends is easy. But yes I get that it is very annoying not to have any.

Good luck

 

[Yasmeenxox]

Thank you everyone. I also have noticed that all of my friends are much younger than me. I dont remember the last time I made friends who were my age. I spoke to my family about this and they said that the reason I have much younger friends is because I look and act young and have interests of people similar to people who are younger than me. Like I like shopping, traveling and watching movies. I don't have a house, or a car. I dont have similar goals to older individuals. For example I dont have children at the age of 35 thus I have friends in their 20s because it is much more common to find people who dont have kids, like shopping and traveling in their 20s. I dono maybe my family is right.
I was reading something on the internet the other day and someone suggested that I should ask my "new friend" to join me on special events or occasions...for example if there is a birthday party I could invite them over for dinner or a celebration. I have tried that too...it was a big disappointment. We made reservations at a restaurant and I invited my two "new friends" and at that time they said yes, but an hour before the dinner they both called and told me that "they just didn't feel like going." They both knew eachother and when one decided not to go the other cancel too. They didnt even have any plans, but they decided that they would rather spend time alone than come for dinner with me!? I felt maybe they would not make a true friends any way. I decided to stop talking to them. At work it was even more difficult giving them the cold shoulder. I felt strange and guilty so I made an effort and I forgave them. But I have constantly noticed that people dont want to come to events or occasions I plan. It's really frustrating why people cancel and tell me that they rather chill by themselves then spend time with me.

 

[techtalk]

I am introvert and i prefer being alone/with single friend than being with lot of people.

First thing you need more than friends is confidence. You are neither dull nor boring. You just need confidence. Bright smile and couple of jokes could win anyone.

Secondly you should find your areas of interest and pick up couple of hobbies. Join couple courses, you will learn and meet new people. sometimes even fresh air can bring lot of relief.

Btw where do you live.

 

[Yasmeenxox]

I am currently in South Korea. I will be returning to Kitchener, Ontario Canada. Thank you for your response and advice,

 

[newtone]

Wow! Korea to Kitchener, thats like moving from Corporation to farming. Very brave, may the forces be with you

 

[shalini_G]

Read the book "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie

These Western books by psychoanalysts aren't helpful.. they just make you feel delusional/self-hypnotised.. you are asked to repeat something to yourself in front of the mirror or remind something to yourself to pump up your fragile ego, etc, etc.. I believe the best remedies are in the eastern concepts of Gestalt. Most of the times, the issues of feeling of loneliness arise because we try to expect something out of life, out of others around us.. even from the strangers..

I started implementing a simple thing to change my outlook towards life, and it worked charm.. I started to explore how I can help someone every moment of my life, without expectations of even a thanks in return.. I can elaborate on this later if you want, but just give this a little try everywhere you meet people.. and you will be amazed (even if there is nothing to help, just this little feeling at back of your mind whenever you are meeting anyone or talking to anyone, even if they are your usual office colleagues)

Plus, I made one change in my daily routine.. I made gradual concerted efforts at sleeping early (from Midnight, I shifted the clock to 9 pm) and started waking up early (from 10 am to 6 am).. Also, it helped that I am in Australia where you can go out to catch the Sunrise (Waking up with Sunrise has such a significance in our Indian culture.. and now I can see that it is not without any reason that Sun is so vital).

Lastly, don't chase or yearn for friendship.. You must have heard of the saying that 'Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder'.. Same is true of the yearning for the company of others.

and, if you are in Toronto region, PM me.. I shall be landing there soon with family.. I had lived there two years back, and have few very good Pakistani and Indian Punjabi (if you are not averse to making non-Pakistani friends) family friends..

regards,
Shalini.

 

[mrbeachman]

These Western books by psychoanalysts aren't helpful.. they just make you feel delusional/self-hypnotised.. you are asked to repeat something to yourself in front of the mirror or remind something to yourself to pump up your fragile ego, etc, etc.. I believe the best remedies are in the eastern concepts of Gestalt. Most of the times, the issues of feeling of loneliness arise because we try to expect something out of life, out of others around us.. even from the strangers..

You seem like a smart person which will make your fit into Canada even harder.

You try to explain this to the average Canadian and they will just give you a blank stare.

Too bad, really.....

 

[rhcohen2014]

You try to explain this to the average Canadian and they will just give you a blank stare.

no, i don't believe so. in north america it's called having an "attitude of gratitude". What we put out in this world, we will get in return. When we focus on what's not happening and who's not in our life, we get more of nothing. While most people probably don't live by this belief or are even aware of it's possibilities, there are plenty of people who understand and have this perspective in north america - even in canada.

 

[Yasmeenxox]

thank you everyone! I will try little bit of all your advice. You are all so helpful. I dont know whose advise is better! Thank you once again.
I really appreciate your encouraging words.

 

[rubab11]

I can make good friends but i feel so alone here. I dont know how to start a new life here.