How Have You Dealt With Waiting Apart For So Long?

[atethepaint]

How have other people waiting for visas to be reunited with their loved ones dealt with the distance?

My wife and I have only been apart for a little over 3 months, but now the impatience of waiting for a visa is building and I'm noticing strain on the relationship, and we've got a long way to go yet!

She's a lot more emotional than me, and I'm trying to keep positive. We stay in touch almost every day on skype, and through emails, and I even got an international sms plan on my mobile phone! Nevertheless, it's not the same as being together and we miss each other terribly.

I can see the end result: she gets a visa and we live happily ever after. I even have daydreams of our life together here in Canada! I share my dreams with her and at first she liked it but now she just passes it off as nothing interesting. She's heard it once too many times, I guess. In fact, her excitement at the prospect of moving to Canada has disappeared. Now she says I'm a dreamer and she's a realist (not too sure what she means by that). She is not happy when we talk on skype, and cries, and is short-tempered. She doesn't even rush home from work anymore to meet up online, and instead has had to work late many nights.

So as you can see the strain of separation is building. Unfortunately I have neither the time nor the money to fly to Moscow from Victoria to visit her in the near future.

We both thought we were solid enough to withstand this pressure for the duration, and I'm still going by the original plan we came up with when I left Moscow and started this whole process. This keeps me going. I'm not too sure she's holding up as well.

What about you? What do you do to keep things alive? What do you tell yourself, and what do you tell your spouse?

 

[cleo]

We always say at the end of our conversations, "One more day closer".

We also make plans about our life together.

And sometimes we write blog posts together. Or just check out crazy youtube videos, lolcats etc. Makes things more fun than just talking about how we are apart.

I find the hardest part is friends and family always asking us how the application is going. We just tell them that they'll be the first or second to know once we find something out.

 

[CharlieD10]

We have been making a concentrated effort to do things together. Back in 2009, we had started a music and internet radio website together, and since he's left Jamaica, we began working on it to make it fully functional. It gives us an external focus AWAY from the whole immigration process, which is very important to me in keeping balance. Our longest gap apart so far is 6 months, and while it was very difficult, we made it through and were very happy to see each other again when he was able to visit in March.

I remind myself that the separation is as hard on him as it is on me, and that helps me to keep in check any negative emotions that may crop up from time to time. Yes, I get sad. Yes, we misunderstand each other some times and argue over trivial things, but then I remind myself, "this too shall pass". Meanwhile, I tell myself that this is a learning period, when we get a chance to see how the other deals with difficulties and challenges and we should bond over the experience, not pull apart from each other.

 

[katie3234]

@ atethepaint

I am sorry to hear how hard the distance has been on you and your wife, I completely understand it though, and I am sure many others on this forum are able to empathise.

I have not seen my husband since January, and usually am only able to make a trip to see him every 7-9 months, and when I do I can only stay for around 2 weeks due to work. I work in hospitality which means we have never spent a major holiday together – Christmas, Easter, or even our birthdays since they are both in July which is the busy period for hospitality. So distance is definitely an issue and hard to deal with. I find that after getting back to Canada from seeing him it takes me a couple months to feel normal again after settling into a routine with him while I am visiting and then having to return to Canada alone.

I try not to talk about immigration unless I am specifically asking him something in regards to immigration. Talking about it stresses me out and upsets me which in turn stresses him out and it doesn’t end well.

For me what makes it slightly more bearable is planning out my trips to see him months in advance, because then we both have something to look forward to and the wait doesn’t seem so long. We spend tons of time talking about the future: having kids, me going back to school, the type of work he would like in Canada, vacations we will one day be able to take together and everyday life as well. I had read a post on here where someone said she and her husband would watch movies together, and me and my husband have started doing that over skype using the “share full screen” option, it’s a good way to feel slightly closer distance wise.

I just tell myself that we have a great future to look forward to and I tell him the same thing. However he and I still have a long wait, after many delays in getting the proper documents to apply for the visa we are only now ready to send things off, so if all goes as planned Wednesday we will ship everything off, and hopefully that will be a bit of a weight of our shoulders and the "real" wait begins. .

Hopefully what I wrote makes sense, its 6:35am my time and I haven’t been to sleep yet. So sorry if it’s not only long winded but also gibberish.

 

[missmini]

How have other people waiting for visas to be reunited with their loved ones dealt with the distance?

My wife and I have only been apart for a little over 3 months, but now the impatience of waiting for a visa is building and I'm noticing strain on the relationship, and we've got a long way to go yet!

She's a lot more emotional than me, and I'm trying to keep positive. We stay in touch almost every day on skype, and through emails, and I even got an international sms plan on my mobile phone! Nevertheless, it's not the same as being together and we miss each other terribly.

I can see the end result: she gets a visa and we live happily ever after. I even have daydreams of our life together here in Canada! I share my dreams with her and at first she liked it but now she just passes it off as nothing interesting. She's heard it once too many times, I guess. In fact, her excitement at the prospect of moving to Canada has disappeared. Now she says I'm a dreamer and she's a realist (not too sure what she means by that). She is not happy when we talk on skype, and cries, and is short-tempered. She doesn't even rush home from work anymore to meet up online, and instead has had to work late many nights.

So as you can see the strain of separation is building. Unfortunately I have neither the time nor the money to fly to Moscow from Victoria to visit her in the near future.

We both thought we were solid enough to withstand this pressure for the duration, and I'm still going by the original plan we came up with when I left Moscow and started this whole process. This keeps me going. I'm not too sure she's holding up as well.

What about you? What do you do to keep things alive? What do you tell yourself, and what do you tell your spouse?

i'm sorry for ur hard time, it is so hard to be apart from the loved one and her reaction is understandable; but the most important is that u have each othesoon u'll b happy together and all this will b put behind u; so, first thing is to be positive!

i met my sweetheart online, we met in person after 1 year; we spent together 5 weeks and then i returned to Canada; going back to Canada was so hard and i told myself when i see him again it will b for good; saying goodbye at airports and spending just a few weeks is not our thing; so i had to stay in Canada for another year until i moved where he was; now we'll wait for the immigration together and hopefully we'll go back together;

anyway, during the time apart (2 years head to head) we tried to be in contact every day even with small things: short chats before me going to work or him going to sleep, short phone calls, lots of sms (by the way, the sms from Skype r usually cheaper than from the mobile provider); like this u'll feel part of each other's lives even if u r far

we used to send each other a lot of emails talking abt our day - with good and bad, especially me; being more emotional, it was good to open up with all the frustrations; we also used to send a lot of romantic stuff: e-cards, messages, i hand made some gifts for him, a powepoint for St Valentines; we used to upload and share songs we like, new songs we listen and each time saying we'll listen to them together; u could make a common account on youtube and put there playlists, videos (funny) u like, so on; i also had in my mind to make a webpage or blog about us, our memories; with internet, u can do a lot of stuff these days; find something u both like and work on it together

it's important to keep yourself busy: he was and still is very busy with his work and me whenever i felt i start to have free time to cry i was getting involved in new projects (working, going to school, anything); when u r very busy u don't have time to think; when i was thinking i was thinking in a productive way: planning our future time together, trips, preparing gifts to send him (photo albums, my new perfume souvenirs), buying stuff for both, taking lots of pictures to send him, like this

also, during those days i started to learn his language and he was helping me; it was another nice project, still ongoing; i'm sure she will b pleasantly surprised if u try to learn a few words and ask for her help; here is a good site: livemocha.com

i read that some people leave their skype on with the camera on 24/7, they read together, they cook together, they clean together, they have meals together....

also it's important to be social too; going out with a few good friends will make both feel better...but not the kind of friends who will always ask questions abt ur immigration, just the kind who will not talk abt it and just have fun together....

at the end the summer is close, maybe u can plan a trip together, maybe u could go to see her; this planning will make the days pass faster best of luck

 

[jckovacs]

It is a rough situation. We were apart for the first 18 months of our relationship. Only visiting a few weeks out of every 4 months. We had a lot of arguments but it was always remedied by lots of love. We spent about 6 months together and then I had to go to LA to finish university. So we were apart for a while again. Not too long though, but it felt like forever. After that we've been together pretty straight. Only being apart for a tiny bit here and there to keep it legal. But no matter how you do it, it's tough. Being apart from the person you love is the worst feeling. And arguing is just a huge part of that. Pulling away makes you feel better in a way, but in the end, it's a cry for more attention.

Just hang in there.

 

[lnl]

''i read that some people leave their skype on with the camera on 24/7, they read together, they cook together, they clean together, they have meals together....''

yes, this is what we did every time apart, from coming in from work, the other person could hear the front door - yes we even said 'hi honey, im home' lol

Initially chat, but then normal household chores took place, we did house work, cooked dinner, ate together, celebrated birthdays where gifts were delivered and we observed the surprise and happiness online as if we were there together. Its a hard process and doesnt get easier for sure.

 

[mahmed17]

For my husband and I it has been 2 years (actually today is our anniversary ) that we have been apart since we got married. I was able to visit him once in that whole time so being away has not been very easy. But we have only gotten stronger from being apart.

We always remind each other of all the things we are grateful for, we talk to each other over skype and phone and update each other just as we would if we had been living together. Like this we don't feel too distant. Sometimes I get emotional and say how I can't take being away from him anymore and he will always say something to cheer me up.

It hasn't been easy so far and I don't know how much longer we have to go but everyday we spend together is a blessing for us, so instead of focusing on how long we have been apart we always look at how long we have had each other in our lives. Although today is our 2nd anniversary and in these past 2 years we have only physically been with each other during my one visit we focus on the fact that each and everyday is one step closer to the destination where we want to be. And in the meantime we share our future plans and ideas about what we want to do and we continue to endure the wait by being positive and supporting each other and consoling each other when we need to.

 

[confusednscared]

Is that even a question? LOL .... it drives me insane thinking about it.

But, by the grace of GOD (sometimes I wish they don't exist) I have been sane to this day. My struggle has started since August 2009 and I am still waiting. Within that time I only saw my partner twice last year. Thank goodness for email, Skype and internet.

Looking back at the years I still ask myself how I do it. Still, I can't come up with an affirmative answer. Maybe, one day I will.

 

[Feaky Snucker]

My husband and I met online in a guitar player's group. We talked every day for a year and a couple months before meeting in person. He came up and was going to stay for 5 months, but his mother died and he had to go back after only a couple months. When he came back he got a total cow at the border, and she gave him 1 month, so during that month we got married. He left again on our wedding night, and we didn't see each other for 10 months. Then he came up, and stayed for 5 months, and just went back in January, and we haven't seen each other since then.

It's definitely hard, but it's doable! You have to keep the end in mind, not focus on the distance. *easier said than done*

My husband and I are on AIM all the time when we're both home. We are both musicians and science geeks haha so we try to do silly things together - someone mentioned lolcats, haha yes we find funny pics and vids from youtube to each other.

One time we did a dungeons and dragons choose your own adventure together. It sounds childish, but ANYTHING you can do to distract yourself and get a laugh together is so deeply needed.

I think it's a testament to our relationships that we're able to do long distance. Most people fall apart even if living a couple hours away. We all have to really commit to being together.

Maybe your girl is feeling a bit insecure about all the miles in between you. Even though it's garbage, society tells us that all men are cheaters, and insecurities can creep in, even for no reason. Make sure you are showering her with affection, and that she knows every day how much you love her and miss her. Sometimes I write my husband letters - not about what we will do in the future, but about how much I love him, and how lucky I feel to have found him. Focus on what IS not what WILL BE. Be extra affectionate with her, and try to be patient with each other.

Even though my husband is in America, not across an ocean, he might as well be on the moon, over a thousand miles away, and we definitely cannot afford to visit, at all. But sometimes I make little care packages for him of canadian things that they don't have - Spicy canned tuna we have, aero chocolate bars, big turks, and once I sent a book called 'weird canadian words' with a note saying he'd have to learn about garburators and what it means to deke if he's going to fit in. Haha.

Any little thing you can do that's personal to you, and makes you feel closer together, is the best thing you can do. Remind each other of the love that made you want to start this drawn out pain of a process in the first place. That love is what's going to sustain you through this.

/novel.

 

[zzz2010]

my husband & I sometimes leave our webcam on even when we are sleeping. I live in the US west coast and he lives in Toronto. So we have 3 hour difference and we got to see each other sleep it may sound creepy for some but when two people are in love it does not

 

[CharlieD10]

my husband & I sometimes leave our webcam on even when we are sleeping. I live in the US west coast and he lives in Toronto. So we have 3 hour difference and we got to see each other sleep it may sound creepy for some but when two people are in love it does not

Not creepy, my husband and I do it all the time, too.

 

[Love_Young]

my husband & I sometimes leave our webcam on even when we are sleeping. I live in the US west coast and he lives in Toronto. So we have 3 hour difference and we got to see each other sleep it may sound creepy for some but when two people are in love it does not

Me and hubby aren't apart right now (haven't been for 2 years thank goodness) but before we met we used to fall asleep on the phone with each other until our phones would die. It was comforting and nice just to hear him breathe while he was sleeping. Made me feel that much closer like as if I was cuddled next to him.

 

[zzz2010]

Me and hubby aren't apart right now (haven't been for 2 years thank goodness) but before we met we used to fall asleep on the phone with each other until our phones would die. It was comforting and nice just to hear him breathe while he was sleeping. Made me feel that much closer like as if I was cuddled next to him.

Just in the name of love my husband just visited me last March 2011 to celebrate his birthday with me; and it has been a month an a half but seems like forever. Next month we will be celebrating our first wedding anniversary, and we plan to be together to celebrate it, so I am going to be with him this time.

So til then, we will have to be on skype, msn, phone or whatever technologies will be invented before we finally be together permanently

 

[boobee]

Hello Athepaint,

I'm sorry to here that your are having such a hard time dealng with this. I want to say this, and I may seem a little hard, but in the end, you can find strength from it. I'm a mature person, who have been married and divorced and remarry.

If your marriage is based in true love, then no one or nothing can take your place. If she love you and not the things around you, then hard as it may seem, she will wait for you. You do not have the power to change things, and i think it is very selfish on her part not to be more supportive of what you are trying to do. If she's meant to be your wife, she will be with you through thick and thin, so maybe this is the time to think if this is the woman to spend the rest of your life with.

You wi;l get through this!