Divorce Question

[benclark]

My wife is Canadian, I'm British. We got married in Canada 7 years ago but chose to live together in the United Kingdom. We had our first daughter (who will be 6 this September) just over a year and a half in to our marriage. Some time over the 08/09 period (can't remember dates of the top of my head) my wife left for a 6 week trip to Canada with our daughter, I was fine with this or so I thought and during their absence I became extremely depressed. I became friends with a work colleague and yes things went too far, but my wife came back, we seemingly worked things out and had our second daughter in December 2009.

In October 2010 things fell in to place for us to move to Canada and so we emigrated. Upon arrival we began the process of getting my Spousal Visa so that I could begin work and stay in Canada permanently. This was far longer than planned and so I became a stay at home dad to my daughters until September last year when finally my open work permit arrived (still no visa) around a month before the birth of our son in October.

Over the 5 years things haven't always been easy, my wife has struggled with getting past what happened but we seemed to be doing well which led to our son. Around a month ago a friend of my wife asked for some help fitting a window mounted AC unit and that was where things went downhill, I got on well with this friend and would consider myself her friend now too but my wife accused me of cheating and her friend of wanting to steal me. Despite seeming to start to trust that nothing was going on (which is wasn't and isn't) last night we had a large argument, angry, hurt and upset I told our friend what my wife had been saying and what had been going on. My wife had forbid this but emotional as I was and with few friends I felt the need to talk to her, to vent. Our friend is now extremely angry with my wife and this has now led to my wife telling me that its over, that she wants a divorce and that she's going to cancel my visa and send me home to the UK.

I'm trying to get her to realise that we need counselling, that our relationship, our three kids isn't worth throwing away but I don't know what to do. All she keeps telling me to do right now is call my parents and get a flight home.

What can I do, I don't want to lose my kids, I want to be in their lives, I would like to be in our relationship. Please help.

 

[scylla]

Your wife is fully within her rights to withdraw her sponsorship of the spousal application and cancel it since you don't have PR status yet. She has this right as the sponsor.

I would recommend the two of you attend marriage counselling to hopefully work through your issues and save your marriage.

Good luck.

 

[benclark]

Is there any other way I can apply to stay in the country? She can't be talked to right now, she has no interest, I've even suggested if not a councillor what about going to her parents and talking to them to mediate. I'm just so desperate she is going to take my children away and I'm never going to see them again. Right now I feel like the world is just going to swallow me, I just feel like curling up and dying and all I want to do is be there for my kids and ideally wife.

 

[scylla]

The various immigration programs available are listed in the link below. You will have to read through each to see if you qualify to apply:

http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/immigrate/apply.asp

If she withdraws her sponsorship, you could also try filing a Humanitarian and Compassionate application based on the fact that you have Canadian children. I have no idea if there is any chance this would be successful:

http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/information/applications/handc.asp

 

[benclark]

Thank you Scylla, I think for now I've managed to get her on-side, to help work things out. 3 kids and 7 years of marriage isn't something to just throw away, I love my kids more than life itself, to be honest I think if I didn't have them I wouldn't be here to write this, they are keeping me strong enough to endure. I seriously can't believe looking at the CIC that there is no obvious option for dealing with this kind of arrangement, two of my children are British with secondary Canadian Citizenship, my son the reverse, I can understand the need to prevent false relationships keeping people here when they shouldn't be but there are times like this when they should even when the relationship falters. If things do take a southward dive again I'm sure I'll be turning here for support.

 

[CanadianJeepGuy]

Thank you Scylla, I think for now I've managed to get her on-side, to help work things out. 3 kids and 7 years of marriage isn't something to just throw away, I love my kids more than life itself, to be honest I think if I didn't have them I wouldn't be here to write this, they are keeping me strong enough to endure. I seriously can't believe looking at the CIC that there is no obvious option for dealing with this kind of arrangement, two of my children are British with secondary Canadian Citizenship, my son the reverse, I can understand the need to prevent false relationships keeping people here when they shouldn't be but there are times like this when they should even when the relationship falters. If things do take a southward dive again I'm sure I'll be turning here for support.

For your own piece of mind I would go see an immigration lawyer. For some reason I think that there might be an issue with her removing your access to your children without a court order should this come to divorce.

 

[somedude]

I think you got to break off friendships with other women, no matter what you think of how reasonable the situation seems you gotta put yourself in her shoes and leave her no doubt. You can live without female friends but your kids? (I think it might be hard to have both)

Counselling is fine if she agrees to it (and remember who caused the problem not who has a problem), but the best way to show your sincerity is to live your life carefully and commit to avoiding that kind of situation for a period of time (i.e. forever). If you love her you have to do things that make her comfortable, realize she was betrayed by The One she loves and trusts the most; it's not something she can get past, women don't function that way (and that would be an understatement).

 

[CanadianJeepGuy]

I think you got to break off friendships with other women, no matter what you think of how reasonable the situation seems you gotta put yourself in her shoes and leave her no doubt. You can live without female friends but your kids? (I think it might be hard to have both)

Counselling is fine if she agrees to it (and remember who caused the problem not who has a problem), but the best way to show your sincerity is to live your life carefully and commit to avoiding that kind of situation for a period of time (i.e. forever). If you love her you have to do things that make her comfortable, realize she was betrayed by The One she loves and trusts the most; it's not something she can get past, women don't function that way (and that would be an understatement).

"it's not something she can get past, women don't function that way (and that would be an understatement)."

True fooking story that.

 

[scos]

You told the "other woman" (in her mind) everything and you wonder why your wife snapped?

 

[benclark]

I think you got to break off friendships with other women, no matter what you think of how reasonable the situation seems you gotta put yourself in her shoes and leave her no doubt. You can live without female friends but your kids? (I think it might be hard to have both)

Counselling is fine if she agrees to it (and remember who caused the problem not who has a problem), but the best way to show your sincerity is to live your life carefully and commit to avoiding that kind of situation for a period of time (i.e. forever). If you love her you have to do things that make her comfortable, realize she was betrayed by The One she loves and trusts the most; it's not something she can get past, women don't function that way (and that would be an understatement).

Sadly my wife never gets over anything, she compartmentalises problems, and saves them to bring up in an argument later rather than dealing with the issue. One of her conditions for trying to make things work is that I never speak to our now ex-friend ever again which I'm fine with for the sake of saving this, some stakes are too high. The hard thing I have trouble with is that it seems any time I become friends with someone and they happen to be a woman then right away I'm the bad guy without having done anything, I understand I hurt her 5 years ago but there has to come a time when the past is the past. Could you go your entire life without ever talking to the opposite sex again? That's what she wants right now. I just don't know. For now things have calmed down but I think I will have to see a lawyer at some point soon to work out what my options are exactly if things do hit the wall.

CanadianJeepGuy not seeing the kids would be more to do with me being able to get back in the country again and afford the air fare over here, less her wanting me to not see the kids.

 

[herewecome]

1. She may not be appreciative of this thread if she finds out
2. Are inland apps really taking over 2.5 years at the moment? Seems a very long time.

 

[CanadianJeepGuy]

Sadly my wife never gets over anything, she compartmentalises problems, and saves them to bring up in an argument later rather than dealing with the issue. [/quote]

This a woman thing more than your wife thing. They all do this.

One of her conditions for trying to make things work is that I never speak to our now ex-friend ever again which I'm fine with for the sake of saving this, some stakes are too high. The hard thing I have trouble with is that it seems any time I become friends with someone and they happen to be a woman then right away I'm the bad guy without having done anything, I understand I hurt her 5 years ago but there has to come a time when the past is the past. Could you go your entire life without ever talking to the opposite sex again? That's what she wants right now. I just don't know. For now things have calmed down but I think I will have to see a lawyer at some point soon to work out what my options are exactly if things do hit the wall.

CanadianJeepGuy not seeing the kids would be more to do with me being able to get back in the country again and afford the air fare over here, less her wanting me to not see the kids.

My cousin had married a Kiwi and they later adopted a Canadian baby. Shortly afterward they decided to relocate to New Zealand when after all the child's Kiwi immigration stuff had be finalized and my cousin had sold his business and moved their finances there did his partner tell him not to come. They were quits. They had been together for over 10 years and he had sponsored his partner to Canada. So essentially he was robbed of his savings and his legally adopted child for which there was nothing he could do since he had signed his authorization for the child to emigrate though not with the intention that he also won't be emigrating. He had no legal recourse since international laws have no protections for same sex relationships. Your situation is slightly different so there may be an avenue where her actions have no legal foundations. Your affair was many years past. You had all agreed to emigrate as a family and I'm not sure if she can just change horses in the middle of the stream like that.

 

[Leon]

Unfair or not, the wife can withdraw her sponsorship any time before you land as a PR. If that happens, you could try to get a work permit for your current job. Another important thing is having a skilled job. If you manage to work a full time skilled job for a year, you could apply for your PR through CEC if the sponsorship falls through.

As for applying on H&C grounds, it's worth a try. Best interests of children and all that but I have no idea what kind of odds of success that would be. I think better just stay away from female friends for a while, at least until the PR comes through.

He had no legal recourse since international laws have no protections for same sex relationships.

Surely he can take his former partner to court in NZ. Same sex relationship or not, if say a business partner skips off with all your cash, surely you can take them to court in some country. Has he talked to a lawyer in NZ? Another question is visitation if he wants it. If he goes to NZ and goes to court and demands visitation, I don't see why he wouldn't get it. If the child is old enough, he may even be granted the right to take the child to Canada on vacations.

 

[benclark]

1. She may not be appreciative of this thread if she finds out
2. Are inland apps really taking over 2.5 years at the moment? Seems a very long time.

1. She doesn't know about this website in the slightest, but I understand your point.
2. Yes and no, stupid Canada Post didn't deliver the stuff that CIC sent me for over a year and having read on the CIC website that calling about your case would delay it I never called. It was only when we tried to sort something else out that CIC informed us that Canada Post were returning our mail. Some idiot at the local office I guess totally screwing up. Right now I've just had to get a 2nd medical and I believe that once I send that in with my kids birth certificates tomorrow and their Proof of Canadian Citizenships once they come back then that should be the last information they need.

Leon sadly while I spent nearly a decade working in Security at a large International Airport in the UK ultimately in charge of the deployment of ~200 guards a day my education in the UK stopped at College which here in Canada counts for little more than the old Grade 13, needless to say my resume therefore looks rather unimpressive when one of the biggest things that most big employers in my area seem to focus on is education rather than skill sets or experience so currently I'm stuck working on a farm, the only full time employment in my area (rural Ontario). I have been tempted to seek an apprenticeship however somewhere in the construction industry but would that count as a "skilled" job? Like you say best interests of the children may work for the H&C grounds but that seems to focus more on refugees than my situation, at the end of the day though what I want is what's best for our kids which is to have both their parents available to them, be it together or not.

 

[CanadianJeepGuy]

Unfair or not, the wife can withdraw her sponsorship any time before you land as a PR. If that happens, you could try to get a work permit for your current job. Another important thing is having a skilled job. If you manage to work a full time skilled job for a year, you could apply for your PR through CEC if the sponsorship falls through.

As for applying on H&C grounds, it's worth a try. Best interests of children and all that but I have no idea what kind of odds of success that would be. I think better just stay away from female friends for a while, at least until the PR comes through.

Surely he can take his former partner to court in NZ. Same sex relationship or not, if say a business partner skips off with all your cash, surely you can take them to court in some country. Has he talked to a lawyer in NZ? Another question is visitation if he wants it. If he goes to NZ and goes to court and demands visitation, I don't see why he wouldn't get it. If the child is old enough, he may even be granted the right to take the child to Canada on vacations.

New Zealand has just recently recognized same sex relationships. He now has a legal platform to begin the long expensive journey to try to get some justice. There is no legal precedent for this kind of thing yet. His may be the first.