On May 24, 2017 I woke up early morning and I took the taxi to the destination. On the way, somehow on the bizarre reason the driver hit the speed pedal probably on the maximum limit out of his control while he was frightening of something. The car went off track and hit the fence and so on and suddenly everything went dark. I tried to hold on my consciousness and I told myself I had to go to the oath ceremony no matter what. I tried to open my eyes and it took me like 30-45 seconds to realize the surrounding. My head was spinning and I felt so strange. I looked around and I saw the wall and it was actually my bedroom. I was in my bed. Oh! I exclaimed; it was a bad dream again but that one seemed so real.
I looked at the alarm clock and it was still early to get ready for the appointment.
For some reasons, I felt very depressed and something went back and forth in my memories. I saw the face of my ex- German lover who loved me very much and he begged me to be with him before I first came to Canada in 2005. His last face on the last scene on the last day was so clear in my memories. The sad face with tears that I could never forget.Then, I saw the face of my ex-American lover whom I fell in love that much and something went wrong in the end. I saw the face of my Canadian common law partner whom I was with him in Nova Scotia for 5 years. I saw the face of my ex-Dutch spouse at the Amsterdam airport. Each face came to my memories like a broken record. I was crying extremely hard and my nose kept on running. My tissues were empty from the box and they were all over the bin.
They all loved me; I was loved so much by them especially my Canadian one whom put up with me for 5 years. I saw something during those time which I tried to deny it. But, he must have loved me that much to put up so….very much with my personal issues. He could, would, should have left me much earlier; but he chose not to do so. He instead chose to be with me through difficult times. And eventually after 5 years, he had to let me go.
Suddenly, my memories went back during my childhood; as a small boy I was being sexually abused so….many times by some classmates, neighbors, strangers and I had to bite my teeth not to scream. It was a sharp pain inside of me as my psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD. Oh! Stop it………….. stop………………stopppppppppppppppppppp; I tried to use the pillow cover my ears, my face to get rid of those memories.
Please............. Buddha help me I beg you to help me to overcome these pain, I can’t take it anymore. Please……………….please…….help me. I felt like I was drowning into the deep ocean and I tried to get to the surface to get some air. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I gather all my strength to pray to my Buddha “my dear Buddha, please let me survive another day to attend the oath ceremony”. At least let me become a Canadian citizen officially. Please..........please..........please let me be a Canadian citizen. I have been waiting for this day for so..............................long; please.......I beg you. He must have helped me because I felt so much better shortly after that.
I took 2 tablets of anti-depression instead of 1. And, I went to take shower and I let the hot water pouring to me longer than normal.
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As soon as I got out my place, I watched every step I made. I was afraid that the car would hit me, I was afraid that I would have an accident and I couldn’t take the citizenship oath. And, when I got into the subway station, I was afraid that I would fall into the train rack so I stand way behind against the wall. It was not just an anxiety it was a sign of a paranoia.
I was there almost an hour before the appointment. So I decided to sit in the coffee shop. I went to the 55 St. clair (citizenship ceremony place) 10 minutes before the time I supposed to be there. I saw many people in the waiting room. I showed my oath invitation letter along with other documents. It was like almost an hour that all the applicants have to be in the queue in the line. One staff has given each of us a piece of paper that the applicants must not have any convictions in the past 4-6 years (I don’t remember exactly) and not being on trial for any criminal activities. We have to sign to confirm it otherwise we cannot take the oath.
I went to the ceremony room and on my seat there was a bag with a small Canadian flag along with the letter from Prime minister and Minister of immigration. When all the applicants in the room, the clerk start to make a speech. Then, I saw the citizenship judge whom I had a hearing with appeared from the back. OMG I exclaimed quietly and told myself inside “the last person in the world that I wanted to see.” His smirk on that day came right in my memory.
He made a speech briefly and we had to stand up to take the oath before he announced each name from the seat to receive the citizenship certificate. When it was my turn and we had to shake hands; he was like “oh you finally made it congratulations blah…blah…”.
I knew he was being hypocrite and I tried not to have any conversations with him; so I just say thank you and went to the back room where I had to sign my name and receive something. When I came back to my seat, I noticed one small photo of me was with the certificate. The photo was taken in 2009 as my signature in the back of it. OMG it had been almost 8 years and I almost forgot how I looked like 8 years ago.
When everyone came back to the seat; we had to stand up again to sing the Canadian national anthem O Canada. After the ceremony was officially over; everyone was welcomed to take photos with anyone and chit-chat to one another. I saw many applicants with their families and I was by myself. Suddenly, I was thinking about my ex-Canadian common law partner. If we were still together; he would definitely be there. I couldn’t wait to leave the ceremony room as I started to feel something inside.
As soon as I got out from the building; I tried to call my ex-Canadian partner but there was only an answering machine. I didn’t tell him about the ceremony before until that day because I wanted to surprise him. I just wanted to call and say “hey you know what I am a Canadian citizen now”. But, there was only answering machine.
I came to my place and I immediately sent an e-mail to my ex-Canadian common law partner.
Subject: Re: Finally, Canadian
Hi (his name)
Finally, I am a Canadian. I am so happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
You can't imagine how I feel right now.
I went for the oath of citizenship ceremony today in the afternoon and I just returned home.
I tried to call you to let you about this new so many times, but there was only answering machine.
I would like to thank to you very much for my wonderful day.
Without you from the get-go, I wouldn't be able to become a Canadian citizen.
As you know I have to be a permanent resident first in order to become a Canadian citizen.
And, as we know I was eligible to apply for a permanent resident because I was your common law partner.
And even our relationship failed after being together for 5 years, you have always been supported me through out the whole process of becoming a Canadian citizen.
So all the credit goes to you.
My dear ( his name), thank you very..... very...........very.....very much for all of your support.
I don't think I can find any words that great enough to explain my feeling at this moment.
And I also don't think I can find any words that great enough to describe my appreciation to you.
Thank you............thank you.....................and thank you.
Love
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I was mentally extremely tired after all. I held a certificate of citizenship tight and asked myself in the mirror “is this piece of paper that you’ve been fighting for”?
Is this piece of paper that you exchange everything to have it?
Is this piece of paper that you almost commit suicide to have?
Is this piece of paper that you must lost almost everything in your life to have?
Is it really worth it?
The answer of every questions is “YES”.
I put all my effort to have it.
I did my utmost best to achieve it.
I lost my self-esteem in the process.
I must give up my marriage along the way for a Canadian citizenship.
I lost almost everything in my life just for one piece of paper; and it’s called a Canadian citizenship certificate.
It was like late afternoon 4-5 p.m. and I almost collapsed. I took 2-3 tablets to help me to sleep; I supposed to take only one. But, I knew one was not going to be enough. I went to my bed and one of my hands held a certificate; and I went completely blank.
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End of my story