Please review and rate my writing Task 2

[junegloom]

I am aiming to get 7 in GT - Writing. Can you please help to review and rate? Thank you.


These days, many people have their own computer and telephone, so it is quite easy for them to do their job at home.Does working at home have more advantages or more disadvantages?



With technology advancement, it is often thought that working from home becomes a lot easier by using a personal computer and smartphone. In my opinion, working at home has more benefits as it will save money and time for both employee and employer.

First of all, the most prominent advantage of working from home is saving money. For the employer, as an example, as no proper office facility is required, the rental fee of office will be used for the better purpose such as in investment. For the employee, it is not required to commute daily, the transportation charges will be saved and may add it to saving money. Besides, as no formal attires and uniform are required, the money for clothing can be added to saving. Therefore, working from home saves a lot of money to both employee and employer.

Secondly, the other benefit of working from home is saving time. A study conducted by the British National Workforce Improvement Agency mentioned that most of the employee spends at least three to four hours a day on the road in order to go to work. By working at home, an employee can save the commuting time and hopefully, they can utilize that time to upgrade their skills and to spend more time with family. For the employer, in addition, they may also use their time for the family commitment by working from home.

Thirdly, as per earlier mentioned examples, there are many benefits to working from home, but the employee may encounter distraction from working at home instead of working in the office. As there may have many other family members at home, the employee may get easily distracted and will not give full attention to work which will have a huge impact on productivity.

In conclusion, although there might have drawbacks from working at home, I believe and working from home has more advantages than disadvantages.

 

[junegloom]

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

It is true that junior citizens are encountering a lot of pressure from a different perspective such as academic, social and commercial, unlike the old days. This essay will discuss the root cause of the aforementioned stresses and the possible remedies to mitigate the issues.

There are different kinds of stress that children are having these days. In terms of academic, the main reasons for having pressure are parents with high expectations of children future. Due to labor market demands, the children with good academic performance are likely to have better job opportunities. According to a study by the National University of Japan, 70% of honor students from Japan are offered by job opportunities from fortune 500 companies with higher pay before they even completed the studies. Therefore, parents, these days are sending their kids to different kinds of classes in order to have better academic performance.

Besides, due to the inconsiderate behavior of the click-bait media and paparazzi, children from the famous family background, with the high financial status and with special talent are also suffering from social stress and lost the carefree childhood at a very young age. In addition, because of the aggressive marketing campaigns, children these days become victims of the commercial stress in both online and offline.

In order to reverse those pressures on children, the following remedies should be applied. For academic and social stress, parents should provide a healthy and happy home for children with balanced study and leisure time. And anti-stress activities such as sport, music and other activities are required to add to the children's daily schedule. For commercial stress, the Government should implement the law for commercial advertisements with age restrictions.

In conclusion, it is unfair to have any kind of stress to the children at a young age. Therefore, it is crucial to put effort for the children to have a happy life by applying the above-mentioned remedies.

 

[junegloom]

Leaders and directors in an organisation are normally older people. Some people think younger leaders would be better. Do you agree or disagree?



It is true that most of the important positions in an industry are handled by elderly people. However, some people believe that when an organization is lead by youngsters, the performance of the company will be better, and I agree with that statement.

On the one hand, older people have more experiences in the industry and it will definitely help them to make a better decision. The reason for that is if there is any severe circumstances in the job, leaders and senior staffs are basically the one who takes control over the situation and have the nerve to do the decision-making process calmly. Besides, as elderly staffs may be working in the company for many decades, they may have more influence on other staffs. For younger people, it will take time for them to prove themselves as worthy as older people.

On the other hand, as a leader, one needs to take more responsibilities and need to work more than other people. Studies say that the younger generation people work harder than older people. As younger people have more energy to work and they are eager to learn new things, while older people prefer to go back to home in time for a family commitment. In addition, younger people are likely to be more creative. For example, an intuitive marketing campaign made by younger marketing staff may break out the market and it may have a huge impact on the company profit.

In conclusion, although experienced staffs may play important roles in the company, I strongly agree that younger leaders will perform better for the above-mentioned reasons.

 

[dotslash227]

I am aiming to get 7 in GT - Writing. Can you please help to review and rate? Thank you.


These days, many people have their own computer and telephone, so it is quite easy for them to do their job at home.Does working at home have more advantages or more disadvantages?



With technology advancement, it is often thought that working from home becomes a lot easier by using a personal computer and smartphone. In my opinion, working at home has more benefits as it will save money and time for both employee and employer.

First of all, the most prominent advantage of working from home is saving money. For the employer, as an example, as no proper office facility is required, the rental fee of office will be used for the better purpose such as in investment. For the employee, it is not required to commute daily, the transportation charges will be saved and may add it to saving money. Besides, as no formal attires and uniform are required, the money for clothing can be added to saving. Therefore, working from home saves a lot of money to both employee and employer.

Secondly, the other benefit of working from home is saving time. A study conducted by the British National Workforce Improvement Agency mentioned that most of the employee spends at least three to four hours a day on the road in order to go to work. By working at home, an employee can save the commuting time and hopefully, they can utilize that time to upgrade their skills and to spend more time with family. For the employer, in addition, they may also use their time for the family commitment by working from home.

Thirdly, as per earlier mentioned examples, there are many benefits to working from home, but the employee may encounter distraction from working at home instead of working in the office. As there may have many other family members at home, the employee may get easily distracted and will not give full attention to work which will have a huge impact on productivity.

In conclusion, although there might have drawbacks from working at home, I believe and working from home has more advantages than disadvantages.

Task Achievement - Is fine. Advantages, as well as disadvantages, have been discussed. And the conclusion supports the number of arguments for a side.

Coherence and Cohesion - Advantages of not commuting regularly have been discussed twice in paras 2 and 3, which is the repetition of a main idea. Commuting should be one point and supportive examples should be framed in such a way that it supports the main idea.
Also, your disadvantage is being marked as "Thirdly", intro of paragraph is indicating a continuation of advantages, however, it discussed the disadvantages. You should use other linking words or phrases such as "On the contrary", "On the other hand", "However", "Conversely".

Lexical Resources - You should use synonyms for the words already mentioned in the topic, computers -> PC, desktops, laptops, computing machines. Telephone -> Cellphones, landlines, smartphones. Home -> House, Residence. Employer - > Worker, Staff, Human Resource, Human Capital. Don't repeat words throughout the essay, use a range of words to score higher on lexical resources.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy - You need to work on GRA rigorously. Use a variety of sentences such as compound and compex. Keep your sentences shorter. You should learn when to and when not to use punctuation marks such as commas and semi colons.
Some fixes:
Line 1: With technology advancement -> With technological advancement
Line 4: better purpose such as in investment -> for better purposes, such as investments.
For the employer - > For an employer, For the employe - > For an employee [you are talking about employees and employers at a more special level, and way you wrote was in imperative form, essays are personal and are not meant to be in imperative form].
Therefore, working from home saves a lot of money to both employee and employer. - > Therefore, office perks like work from home, help save money, for both, employee as well as the employer.

there are many benefits to working from home - there are many benefits from schemes such as work from home
but the employee may encounter distraction from working at home instead of working in the office -> but the employee, my suffer distraction at home rather than their office while working.

In conclusion, although there might have drawbacks from working at home, I believe and working from home has more advantages than disadvantages. - > In conclusion, although, there are some drawbacks of working at home, however, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

 

[junegloom]

Task Achievement - Is fine. Advantages, as well as disadvantages, have been discussed. And the conclusion supports the number of arguments for a side.

Coherence and Cohesion - Advantages of not commuting regularly have been discussed twice in paras 2 and 3, which is the repetition of a main idea. Commuting should be one point and supportive examples should be framed in such a way that it supports the main idea.
Also, your disadvantage is being marked as "Thirdly", intro of paragraph is indicating a continuation of advantages, however, it discussed the disadvantages. You should use other linking words or phrases such as "On the contrary", "On the other hand", "However", "Conversely".

Lexical Resources - You should use synonyms for the words already mentioned in the topic, computers -> PC, desktops, laptops, computing machines. Telephone -> Cellphones, landlines, smartphones. Home -> House, Residence. Employer - > Worker, Staff, Human Resource, Human Capital. Don't repeat words throughout the essay, use a range of words to score higher on lexical resources.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy - You need to work on GRA rigorously. Use a variety of sentences such as compound and compex. Keep your sentences shorter. You should learn when to and when not to use punctuation marks such as commas and semi colons.
Some fixes:
Line 1: With technology advancement -> With technological advancement
Line 4: better purpose such as in investment -> for better purposes, such as investments.
For the employer - > For an employer, For the employe - > For an employee [you are talking about employees and employers at a more special level, and way you wrote was in imperative form, essays are personal and are not meant to be in imperative form].
Therefore, working from home saves a lot of money to both employee and employer. - > Therefore, office perks like work from home, help save money, for both, employee as well as the employer.

there are many benefits to working from home - there are many benefits from schemes such as work from home
but the employee may encounter distraction from working at home instead of working in the office -> but the employee, my suffer distraction at home rather than their office while working.

In conclusion, although there might have drawbacks from working at home, I believe and working from home has more advantages than disadvantages. - > In conclusion, although, there are some drawbacks of working at home, however, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

Hello, Thank you so much for your kind review. I really appreciate it and will try to follow as per your advise. Currently i am at 6 and please advise me any good learning materials to reach to 7 (If you have one). Again. Noted all the points you mentioned and thank you very much.

 

[dotslash227]

Hello, Thank you so much for your kind review. I really appreciate it and will try to follow as per your advise. Currently i am at 6 and please advise me any good learning materials to reach to 7 (If you have one). Again. Noted all the points you mentioned and thank you very much.

http://ieltsliz.com has decent advice on how to score good on writing task as well as model sample answers for many topics. You could follow them.

You could also take offline coaching for IELTS exam at British Council study centers if that is available in your city or country. I did, and they were very beneficial.

 

[dotslash227]

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

It is true that junior citizens are encountering a lot of pressure from a different perspective such as academic, social and commercial, unlike the old days. This essay will discuss the root cause of the aforementioned stresses and the possible remedies to mitigate the issues.

There are different kinds of stress that children are having these days. In terms of academic, the main reasons for having pressure are parents with high expectations of children future. Due to labor market demands, the children with good academic performance are likely to have better job opportunities. According to a study by the National University of Japan, 70% of honor students from Japan are offered by job opportunities from fortune 500 companies with higher pay before they even completed the studies. Therefore, parents, these days are sending their kids to different kinds of classes in order to have better academic performance.

Besides, due to the inconsiderate behavior of the click-bait media and paparazzi, children from the famous family background, with the high financial status and with special talent are also suffering from social stress and lost the carefree childhood at a very young age. In addition, because of the aggressive marketing campaigns, children these days become victims of the commercial stress in both online and offline.

In order to reverse those pressures on children, the following remedies should be applied. For academic and social stress, parents should provide a healthy and happy home for children with balanced study and leisure time. And anti-stress activities such as sport, music and other activities are required to add to the children's daily schedule. For commercial stress, the Government should implement the law for commercial advertisements with age restrictions.

In conclusion, it is unfair to have any kind of stress to the children at a young age. Therefore, it is crucial to put effort for the children to have a happy life by applying the above-mentioned remedies.

A better into could be written. Always start with paraphrasing the question and don't given your opinion in the paraphrased version of the topic. Second part of the intro, should be your opinion. Also, avoid using phrases like "junior citizens", the word senior citizens is acceptable because it is used colloquially but not junior citizens, because it is not. Have you heard anyone saying the word "junior citizen"? More acceptable synonyms for children would be kids, young adults, youngsters, boys and girls, minors, juveniles but not junior citizens.

A more appropriate intro:
Nowadays, young boys and girls studying in schools have been facing extreme pressure due to changing socio-economic scenarios as well as rising competition in academics. In my opinion, the main causes of such behaviour are due to the change in parent's expectation from their wards and the environment of the country in general.

Here, I paraphrased it and later on gave an opinion, but did not elaborate on the opinion and also set a background for the essay.

Like your previous essay, you made similar errors in CC, LR as well as GRA. You should work on your grammar.

 

[junegloom]

A better into could be written. Always start with paraphrasing the question and don't given your opinion in the paraphrased version of the topic. Second part of the intro, should be your opinion. Also, avoid using phrases like "junior citizens", the word senior citizens is acceptable because it is used colloquially but not junior citizens, because it is not. Have you heard anyone saying the word "junior citizen"? More acceptable synonyms for children would be kids, young adults, youngsters, boys and girls, minors, juveniles but not junior citizens.

A more appropriate intro:
Nowadays, young boys and girls studying in schools have been facing extreme pressure due to changing socio-economic scenarios as well as rising competition in academics. In my opinion, the main causes of such behaviour are due to the change in parent's expectation from their wards and the environment of the country in general.

Here, I paraphrased it and later on gave an opinion, but did not elaborate on the opinion and also set a background for the essay.

Like your previous essay, you made similar errors in CC, LR as well as GRA. You should work on your grammar.

Thank you so much for your time to review my essay. As per your advices, i am working on CC, LR and GRA. Noted about the paraphrasing too. Again, really appreciate your kind help. Thank you.

 

[dotslash227]

Thank you so much for your time to review my essay. As per your advices, i am working on CC, LR and GRA. Noted about the paraphrasing too. Again, really appreciate your kind help. Thank you.

So, I'll give you a general idea how you should frame your essay, so that you don't go lack of content, write more than 250 words and also keep the CC in picture.

Usually the topic is advantages and disadvantages or to what extent do you agree. We'll discuss both here.

An ideal essay is divided into 4 paragraphs: Intro, Body 1, Body 2 and Conclusion.

Before you start writing, give 3-5 minutes to planning your essay's content. Write down 2-3 advantages/agreements and 2-3 disadvantages/disagreements. You should avoid taking one side and writing just for one side, why? To make sure you have more than enough content and you don't repeat the main ideas [coherence and cohesion]. Remember, they will ask you to discuss advantages and disadvantages, or "to what extent do you agree or disagree". Though you are free to choose a side, it is not recommended because of the above reasons.

Para 1 is the intro, you should start with paraphrasing the question and give an opinion in general, no need to elaborate or give an example on the opinion. A good intro is usually about 40-60 words, sometimes 70 words, if the topic title is lengthy.

Para 2 : You will be discussing the advantages or the agreements. Give an intro that you will be discussing the advantages and give your bullet points while supporting them with appropriate examples. Use linking words like "To begin with", "Firstly, to introduce the first point, "Moreover", "Secondly", "In Addition to" to introduce the second, "And finally" to introduce the third and final point. Make sure you support your points with appropriate examples.

I'll discuss Para 3 and Conclusion in next post, meanwhile you should work on the first two paragraphs.

 

[junegloom]

Noted with thanks. I will work on the first two paragraphs as per your advise. Will keep you posted. Thank you very much.

 

[dotslash227]

Now, coming to the rest two paragraphs

Para 3 : In this pargraph, you discuss the disadvantages or the disagreements, the best way to start this paragraph is by giving an into about the paragraph. For example, "On the other hand, there are many people who believe otherwise. Firstly, ...". Similar to the para 2, you quote the main ideas, and suggest appropriate examples.You should write around 2 to three points to cover up the word limit.

Para 4: Is the conclusion, and one of the most simple paragraphs to write. You start with "To conclude" or "In conclusion" and paraphrase the opinion you gave you in the introductory paragraph.


Tips on GRA and LR:
1. Don't use the words given in the title. Use synonyms or phrases for keywords in the title to score more on lexical resources criteria. For example, let's take this topic title:
Leaders and directors in an organisation are normally older people. Some people think younger leaders would be better. Do you agree or disagree?
Keywords: Leaders, directors, organisation, older people.
Leaders -> C level executives, top management, CEO, COO
Directors -> Promoters of the company, Executive board members, senior management
Organisation -> Company, Companies, Business
Older People -> Senior Citizens, experienced people, seasoned people

2. Use short sentences to convey meanings using complex and compound sentences instead of long and simple sentences.

 

[junegloom]

Thank you so much. Currently, i am working on

1) lexical resource
2) GRA

Will come back with better write up. Again, thank you so much for your time & effort. Really appreciate it.

 

[IamaDreamernt@69]

Now, coming to the rest two paragraphs

Para 3 : In this pargraph, you discuss the disadvantages or the disagreements, the best way to start this paragraph is by giving an into about the paragraph. For example, "On the other hand, there are many people who believe otherwise. Firstly, ...". Similar to the para 2, you quote the main ideas, and suggest appropriate examples.You should write around 2 to three points to cover up the word limit.

Para 4: Is the conclusion, and one of the most simple paragraphs to write. You start with "To conclude" or "In conclusion" and paraphrase the opinion you gave you in the introductory paragraph.


Tips on GRA and LR:
1. Don't use the words given in the title. Use synonyms or phrases for keywords in the title to score more on lexical resources criteria. For example, let's take this topic title:
Leaders and directors in an organisation are normally older people. Some people think younger leaders would be better. Do you agree or disagree?
Keywords: Leaders, directors, organisation, older people.
Leaders -> C level executives, top management, CEO, COO
Directors -> Promoters of the company, Executive board members, senior management
Organisation -> Company, Companies, Business
Older People -> Senior Citizens, experienced people, seasoned people

2. Use short sentences to convey meanings using complex and compound sentences instead of long and simple sentences.

Hello, Could you please rate my writing( Aiming higher bands so would love to understand my problem areas).

Prompt- People should be atleast 21 years old before they are allowed to drive a car.
To what extent you agree or disagree with this statement.
□□□□□

Driving is considered to be one of the responsible activity to be followed as it involves a lot of attention to drive safely.This has been argued that driving a car should be allowed to individuals only with minimum age of 21 years. I understand the importance of public safety when it comes to driving,however, I believe this age restrictions shouldn't be a mandatory case for all.

To begin with, Government approves such driving rules to ensure the safety of the public on roads. This means, driving is supposed to be carried out by individuals who are mature enough to know the rules and understand the concepts of driving better. And generally people in their teen age are tend to believe as children who haven't grown enough to develop their mindset and taken right decisions of their life including the safe driving. Also, these driving rules are being implemented to overcome the situations like serious accidents that can potentially risk the lives of others. For example, In the UK, government is barring teenage group from car driving to make sure there is no harm to people walking on roads.

On the other side, these restrictions are limiting the independence of youngsters. They are being prejudged on the basis of overall population of their age group,and actually being stopped from what they can do if they have enough skills. I feel despite the less experience of the world, they can still learn the best that is required to drive a car safely. And as long as they know the mandatory skills and able to clear the driving exams with an adequate knowledge on the real life problems they should be allowed to drive. In Japan, the driving license requirement of 18years old clearly justifies this as good decision as the record states there is less than 50 car hit cases had reported in 2023.

To conclude, people have been debating about the fact that a person should be minimum of 21 years age to be allowed to run a car.I partially agree with this statement as I support the fact that driving knowledge is more important, rather than, just to be deciding on the age group.

Thanks in advance..!!

 

[worddemy]

I am aiming to get 7 in GT - Writing. Can you please help to review and rate? Thank you.


These days, many people have their own computer and telephone, so it is quite easy for them to do their job at home.Does working at home have more advantages or more disadvantages?



With technology advancement, it is often thought that working from home becomes a lot easier by using a personal computer and smartphone. In my opinion, working at home has more benefits as it will save money and time for both employee and employer.

First of all, the most prominent advantage of working from home is saving money. For the employer, as an example, as no proper office facility is required, the rental fee of office will be used for the better purpose such as in investment. For the employee, it is not required to commute daily, the transportation charges will be saved and may add it to saving money. Besides, as no formal attires and uniform are required, the money for clothing can be added to saving. Therefore, working from home saves a lot of money to both employee and employer.

Secondly, the other benefit of working from home is saving time. A study conducted by the British National Workforce Improvement Agency mentioned that most of the employee spends at least three to four hours a day on the road in order to go to work. By working at home, an employee can save the commuting time and hopefully, they can utilize that time to upgrade their skills and to spend more time with family. For the employer, in addition, they may also use their time for the family commitment by working from home.

Thirdly, as per earlier mentioned examples, there are many benefits to working from home, but the employee may encounter distraction from working at home instead of working in the office. As there may have many other family members at home, the employee may get easily distracted and will not give full attention to work which will have a huge impact on productivity.

In conclusion, although there might have drawbacks from working at home, I believe and working from home has more advantages than disadvantages.

Task Achievement: You've adequately addressed the prompt by discussing both the advantages and a notable disadvantage of working from home. Your thesis statement clearly states your viewpoint, and you've supported your arguments with specific examples. However, to achieve a higher score, you could further explore the nuances of each point and possibly include a wider range of advantages and disadvantages, ensuring a more balanced discussion. Score: 6.5

Coherence and Cohesion: Your essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs for each main point, and a conclusion. You've used cohesive devices effectively ("First of all," "Secondly," "Thirdly," "In conclusion"), which helps in guiding the reader through your argument. To improve further, consider varying your sentence structures within paragraphs to enhance readability and flow. Score: 7.0

Lexical Resource: You've demonstrated a reasonable range of vocabulary pertinent to the topic ("technology advancement," "commuting time," "family commitment"), which aids in expressing your ideas. For further improvement, incorporating more precise and varied vocabulary could help articulate your points more effectively and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency. Be mindful of using specific terms accurately to avoid repetition or vagueness. Score: 6.5

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: Your essay displays an adequate range of grammatical structures with a reasonable level of accuracy. However, there are opportunities to enhance your score by incorporating more complex sentence structures and ensuring consistency in verb tenses and subject-verb agreement. Paying closer attention to grammatical detail can refine your writing and boost your score. Score: 6.5

Overall Score: 6.6

Feedback: To aim for a score of 7 or higher, you should consider expanding the depth and breadth of your discussion, balancing the advantages and disadvantages more evenly, and enhancing your essay with a wider range of vocabulary and complex grammatical structures. Additionally, further development of your arguments with detailed examples and critical analysis could provide a more compelling case for your viewpoint.

 

[worddemy]

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

It is true that junior citizens are encountering a lot of pressure from a different perspective such as academic, social and commercial, unlike the old days. This essay will discuss the root cause of the aforementioned stresses and the possible remedies to mitigate the issues.

There are different kinds of stress that children are having these days. In terms of academic, the main reasons for having pressure are parents with high expectations of children future. Due to labor market demands, the children with good academic performance are likely to have better job opportunities. According to a study by the National University of Japan, 70% of honor students from Japan are offered by job opportunities from fortune 500 companies with higher pay before they even completed the studies. Therefore, parents, these days are sending their kids to different kinds of classes in order to have better academic performance.

Besides, due to the inconsiderate behavior of the click-bait media and paparazzi, children from the famous family background, with the high financial status and with special talent are also suffering from social stress and lost the carefree childhood at a very young age. In addition, because of the aggressive marketing campaigns, children these days become victims of the commercial stress in both online and offline.

In order to reverse those pressures on children, the following remedies should be applied. For academic and social stress, parents should provide a healthy and happy home for children with balanced study and leisure time. And anti-stress activities such as sport, music and other activities are required to add to the children's daily schedule. For commercial stress, the Government should implement the law for commercial advertisements with age restrictions.

In conclusion, it is unfair to have any kind of stress to the children at a young age. Therefore, it is crucial to put effort for the children to have a happy life by applying the above-mentioned remedies.

Task Response: Your essay addresses the task effectively, identifying causes of stress among children from academic, social, and commercial sources, and proposing solutions for each. You provide a clear thesis statement and develop your argument systematically. However, for a higher score, ensure your examples are directly linked to the question prompt and explore the implications of these pressures in greater depth. Score: 7.0

Coherence and Cohesion: Your essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph deals with a specific aspect of the question, which aids in maintaining a logical flow of ideas. Using cohesive devices ("Besides," "In addition," "In order to") helps in linking ideas and paragraphs. To improve, try to ensure smoother transitions between sentences within paragraphs for better readability. Score: 7.0

Lexical Resource: You demonstrate a good range of vocabulary related to the topic ("inconsiderate behavior," "click-bait media," "aggressive marketing campaigns") and use it appropriately to convey precise meaning. To aim for a higher score, incorporate a wider variety of complex vocabulary and avoid repetition of certain phrases. Score: 7.0

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: Your essay shows a reasonable range of grammatical structures with a good level of accuracy. There are minor errors, but they do not impede understanding. To further enhance your score, focus on using a wider range of complex sentence structures accurately and checking for minor grammatical errors. Score: 7.0

Overall Score: 7.0 (This is an approximate average, for illustrative purposes.)

Feedback: Your essay effectively addresses the topic, offering clear analysis and viable solutions. To further improve, consider deepening your discussion of each point with more detailed examples and evidence. Additionally, enhancing your vocabulary range and sentence complexity can help to elevate your score. You can focus on refining your grammatical accuracy and ensuring your ideas are interconnected smoothly within and across paragraphs.