IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Jimmy_McGill]

Please, take 5 minutes of your free time to check my last draft, point out my mistakes and suggest useful solutions.
Thanks!

Essay topics: Childhood obesity is increasing at rapid rates in developed countries.
What are some of the causes of this problem? What are some ways in which childhood obesity rates can be reduced?

Obesity amongst children is a growing concern in developed nations, since they are witnessing an overwhelming increase in numbers of obese kids. The cheap price of processed food and the lack of physical exercise could be considered as main causes of this epidemic. Fortunately, local governments can easily tackle this social issue by imposing high taxes on unhealthy foods and making mandatory the practice of exercise.

First, it is a palpable fact that the price of unhealthy/processed food (those filled with sugar and unnamable ingredients) is quite cheaper than healthy ones (vegetables, fruits, organic products). Families, particularly low-income, prefer to spend their food budget in this type of food, since a big amount of products can be bought with less money. Secondly, it is no a secret that nowadays kids spends hours on end, either watching TV or playing video games. They barely do exercise, or even practice a sport, resulting in a sedentary lifestyle. These two factors, an unhealthy diet and a lack of exercise, highly contribute to the childhood obesity.

Luckily, there are feasible solutions to overcome this problem. Public administrations can enact legislation in which levy taxes on processed foods. This extra charge would definitely act as a deterrent for families who normally buy these items. Additionally, by law, governments can declare the act of exercising as an intrinsic obligation for all kids, making directly liable parents, with economic fine, if kids don't practice a sport or exercise their bodies. In Spain, for instance, who has the second high rate of childhood obesity in Europe, has been applied these remedies since 2016, and has reduced by 30% the obesity rate in kids, according to the last report.

To sum up, the uncontrolled increase of obese children is due to the fact that many families feed theirs kids with the cheapest food on the market, and do not encourage them to do exercise, letting that TV being their best friend. However, governments hold the power to put a halt on this increasing problem by making high taxable unhealthy foodstuffs and legally obligating kids to exercise.

 

[ieltscanada]

This weekend. Have been having busy days so been behind on reviews. Hopefully this weekend.

Thanks @cansha , hope you could spare few minutes for my essasys.

 

[Ali Pak]

@cansha
I have written this essay in my ielts exam and got 6.5. I am thinking of going for revaluation. Please have a look at the essay and tell me whether this essay deserves 7 or not?.
Thanks in advance.

Some people say young people should be encouraged to leave their parent’s home, while others say it is in their best interest to stay with their parents as long as possible.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.



Whether or not the teenagers should continue living with their parents on reaching maturity has become debatable. Many people say they should be persuaded to leave their parental home, where as several people disagree to it and insist that for youngsters own good they should continue living with their family to the maximum possible time. This essay will argue why numerous people believe that youngster should be talked in to leaving their parent’s house but why it is better for the youth to stay with their parents long after maturity as claimed by many.

On one hand, there are people who say that the youngsters once they enter adulthood should be persuaded to shift from their parent’s home to attain independence from parents. They say that this independence teach them lessons of life in a better way. For instance, according to a recent research article published in a leading newspaper; teenagers who choose to leave their family on attaining maturity are more independent and deal with the challenges of life better based on the lessons of life they learn while living alone as compared to those youngsters who do not move out. However, in my opinion, these lessons of life can be learnt more easily by living with parents due to the continual soothing of parental guidance.

On the other hand, there are also numerous people who believe teenagers should live with their mother and father for maximum possible time as it is in their own good to do so. They base their view on the ground that by living with parents, youngsters have lower responsibilities of life, such as reduced cost of living. To illustrate, according to the results of a recent research study if adolescents continue to live with their parents they generally have lower financial burden in terms of living costs, thus tend to have reduced responsibilities of life. Therefore, it is evident that living with parents for maximum possible time is in the youth’s own best interests as asserted by many people.

To recapitulate, the issue of moving out from the parent’s home by the youngsters on attaining maturity is debatable. Though the moving out provides multiple benefits like independence and a more mature approach to life by the youngster, it is best for the youth to continue living with their mother and father as long as possible because of the lower responsibilities of life granted by living with them.

@cansha @H0peAndFa1th I would really appreciate if you guys have a look at this essay as I am left with a very limited time to apply for EOR. I will apply for EOR based on your evaluation.

Thanks

 

[Div_newbie]

Hi Everyone,
I have been a silent observer of this thread, going through all the suggestions for getting good scores in writing. I gave IELTS in November for the first time and my scores were -

L - 8
R - 8.5
W - 7
S 7.5

I'm planning to give it again this week on 30th to improve my Listening and Writing scores so that I get some extra points for CRS. I'm currently stuck at 437

I was wondering if I get lesser scores than I got in my earlier attempt then can I stick to my first test scores or would I have to use the 2nd test scores because it would be the latest one. I don't want to end up getting lower scores, especially in Writing because it's at 7 now, anything less than 7 would put me in 380's

Please help on whether the latest scores need to be included for CRS or can I choose the best score.

Thanks!

 

[maddy89]

Please can someone review this essay. I always make sure that I use simple and short sentences, but lately I have this feeling that my essays are too simple to get the higher band.

Many people prefer to stay in the same type of work all their life, whereas others prefer to change the type of work. Discuss both sides and state your own opinion.


It is common for most of the people to be in a same profession all their lifetime. However, a few people would like to try their hands at a different career. In my opinion, staying in the same line of work has several benefits.


One of the reasons why people stick to a career is to excel in that area. For example, to be a professional first class cricketer, one has to undergo cricket training for at least 6000 hours. As they have to spend most of their lifetime in practicing the game to be an expert, they have to stay in that field. Another reason is that changing a career is not an easy option. It requires them to not only learn new skills but also start from a low-level designation. Considering these difficulties, most people including me prefer to stay in the same profession.


Admittedly, there are a few advantages for the people who jump ship. Firstly, if one has experience in more than one field, they have a fall back option. For instance, it is advantageous for a person who has tried their hands at both software profession and entrepreneurship. If he fails at one job, he will have a backup option. Secondly, people lose interest if they have to perform the same job for a long time. In this case, trying a different job will keep them motivated and engaged.


To conclude, it is a lot easier and advantageous to stick with a career. This would enable us to master a particular profession. Trying different jobs would have fewer benefits and I think it is not worth pursuing this option.

 

[cansha]

@cansha
I have written this essay in my ielts exam and got 6.5. I am thinking of going for revaluation. Please have a look at the essay and tell me whether this essay deserves 7 or not?.
Thanks in advance.

Some people say young people should be encouraged to leave their parent’s home, while others say it is in their best interest to stay with their parents as long as possible.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.



Whether or not the teenagers should continue living with their parents on reaching maturity has become debatable. Many people say they should be persuaded to leave their parental home, where as several people disagree to it and insist that for youngsters own good they should continue living with their family to the maximum possible time. This essay will argue why numerous people believe that youngster should be talked in to leaving their parent’s house but why it is better for the youth to stay with their parents long after maturity as claimed by many.

On one hand, there are people who say that the youngsters once they enter adulthood should be persuaded to shift from their parent’s home to attain independence from parents. They say that this independence teach them lessons of life in a better way. For instance, according to a recent research article published in a leading newspaper; teenagers who choose to leave their family on attaining maturity are more independent and deal with the challenges of life better based on the lessons of life they learn while living alone as compared to those youngsters who do not move out. However, in my opinion, these lessons of life can be learnt more easily by living with parents due to the continual soothing of parental guidance.

On the other hand, there are also numerous people who believe teenagers should live with their mother and father for maximum possible time as it is in their own good to do so. They base their view on the ground that by living with parents, youngsters have lower responsibilities of life, such as reduced cost of living. To illustrate, according to the results of a recent research study if adolescents continue to live with their parents they generally have lower financial burden in terms of living costs, thus tend to have reduced responsibilities of life. Therefore, it is evident that living with parents for maximum possible time is in the youth’s own best interests as asserted by many people.

To recapitulate, the issue of moving out from the parent’s home by the youngsters on attaining maturity is debatable. Though the moving out provides multiple benefits like independence and a more mature approach to life by the youngster, it is best for the youth to continue living with their mother and father as long as possible because of the lower responsibilities of life granted by living with them.

That's a tough question to answer because I don't know if you can be 100% sure that this is exactly how you wrote the essay on exam. Also, it is difficult for me to guess how examiners really evaluate the exam. So it would be very difficult for me to take that decision for you.

Now on the essay bit there are no big issues of English and Grammar as such barring repeated use of parent's when it should be parents' in this essay.

But If money is not a big issue I would say go for EOR. That way you would never have "What if" thoughts in future. All the best!

 

[Ali Pak]

That's a tough question to answer because I don't know if you can be 100% sure that this is exactly how you wrote the essay on exam. Also, it is difficult for me to guess how examiners really evaluate the exam. So it would be very difficult for me to take that decision for you.

Now on the essay bit there are no big issues of English and Grammar as such barring repeated use of parent's when it should be parents' in this essay.

But If money is not a big issue I would say go for EOR. That way you would never have "What if" thoughts in future. All the best!

@cansha Thank you so much for your response.
I wrote more or less the same, anyway what band you will give for the above essay considering the examples and task achievement specially. Ignoring the fact that I wrote it in IELTS exam

 

[qaziarslantariq]

Hi Everyone,
I have been a silent observer of this thread, going through all the suggestions for getting good scores in writing. I gave IELTS in November for the first time and my scores were -

L - 8
R - 8.5
W - 7
S 7.5

I'm planning to give it again this week on 30th to improve my Listening and Writing scores so that I get some extra points for CRS. I'm currently stuck at 437

I was wondering if I get lesser scores than I got in my earlier attempt then can I stick to my first test scores or would I have to use the 2nd test scores because it would be the latest one. I don't want to end up getting lower scores, especially in Writing because it's at 7 now, anything less than 7 would put me in 380's

Please help on whether the latest scores need to be included for CRS or can I choose the best score.

Thanks!

No need to worry. Even if you score less in 2nd attempt, your current scores are valid for two years.

 

[qaziarslantariq]

Dear @cansha
Please evaluate my task. I have exam on 14th of February.
Thank you.

Many Jobs used to be done at home by hand, but nowadays an increasing number of them are done using machines instead. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this development.

Several in-house works in the past were done by human beings; however, with the passage of time, machines have taken over that role. There are certain positive and negative outcomes owing to this change in terms of time-management, human work load and cost related matters and I am going to discuss them in this essay.

To talk about pros of this development first, food making in kitchens has become easier and quicker which allows one to use that time to enjoy with family and take care of children. For instance, if one had not had a Microwave Oven in past to grill a chicken, he/she would have taken excessive amount of time to first setup the stove outdoors with coal, brick, etc.. but now with electric or gas oven it is a matter of 30 minutes. Thus, food devices has helped many in cutting time required for food preparation.

Another advantage is the cost cutting due to which humans have outsourced menial jobs of kitchen to machines. Preparing an ice cream or milk shake at home through food processors is nearly half of what it costs at food outlets. Take Baskin Robbins, for example, It costs around $10 a glass of mango shake; the same could be arranged at even lesser than half of the aforementioned price through the same machines they have been using in their branches. Hence, this is another positive outcome of machines over physical activity.

On the other side, there are disadvantages too of using machines and one them is reduction in physical activities. Crushing grains to flour in early days was considered a job to be done at home. Same was the case of converting black pepper grains to powdered form. These processes used to ensure an adequate amount of burnt calories for women. Hence, this is somewhat, I can say a drawback of technology based devices at homes.
To conclude, I can easily say that although physical effort has been reduced due to the arrival of machines at home; however, advantages like cost and time cutting certainly outweigh the aforementioned disadvantages.

 

[Karen Miranda]

i too am facing this issue of Writing score being low.. I cannot understand what is it that they are looking for. All the other scores are high except this one. I have done the IELTS the second time and do not think I can keep on doing this continuously. Are they being so rigid for writing?

 

[ieltscanada]

Thanks @cansha , hope you could spare few minutes for my essasys.

Hello @cansha just checking if you please could spare sometime to review my writing. It would be great help as i have exam scheduled on 9th feb with really less time in hand to work on errors.
Thanks in advance again

 

[cansha]

Hello @cansha just checking if you please could spare sometime to review my writing. It would be great help as i have exam scheduled on 9th feb with really less time in hand to work on errors.
Thanks in advance again

Sorry folks I know I have been behind on reviews and there are many that have piled up. My work schedule has been more busy than usual off late and had a working weekend and hence couldn't review much. I will give priority to yours and one more person who has exam on 14th.

Thanks for your patience.

 

[Hannan Khan]

Hi @cansha . Hate to bother you in the hectic routine you are having these days. I went back and read a number of posts on this thread. I wouldn't say I read them all, however, I tried to filter and focus on the important ones. I would say I may have read more than 50% of the thread.

I now want to get on with essay writing for a test on 14th so here goes nothing. I know I would have made a lot of mistakes. Just tried to go easy as this is the first attempt in a couple of weeks. Here goes nothing...

Some people believe that children’s success in adulthood is related to the way they have been raised by their parents. Do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion and examples.

It is considered a matter of debate whether one’s accomplishments are as a result of the teachings of his parents. I completely agree with this viewpoint as not only do the parents’ preachings teach ettiquites which are later needed in practical life, but they also include important life lessons.

One of the most common traits found in successful people are social manners, often instilled by their parents’ teachings. It is pertinent to be socially acceptable in order to be successful. The ettiquites learnt at a tender age go a long way in defining someone’s personality, which directly is responsible for individual success. It is the parents that teach children small lessons like how to greet someone when you first meet or how to empathize with someone in distress. These small lessons go a long way in defining an individual’s personality and eventually his success.

The life lessons learnt from parents also play an important role in an individual’s achievements. If it were not for parents, people would not have learnt about how to react in a particular situation. For example, if an individual fail at a certain instance in his professional career, he or she instantly recalls that the parents taught how to react upon facing a failure, which is dusting themselves up and keep going. It is the life lessons like these, directly learnt from the parents, that help them keep going in their subconscious minds.

In conclusion, it is the parents guidance and support that only does not only define an individual’s personality, but also play a decisive role in their future success.

Word Count 265

 

[ieltscanada]

Sorry folks I know I have been behind on reviews and there are many that have piled up. My work schedule has been more busy than usual off late and had a working weekend and hence couldn't review much. I will give priority to yours and one more person who has exam on 14th.

Thanks for your patience.

Thanks @cansha for your prompt response. I totally understand sometimes work can be very hectic during production release , are you going through one ?

So Eagerly waiting for your comments.

 

[manojkumar99]

hi, am very new starting my Canadian immigration process.. looking for IELTS tips and suggestions to achieve 8,7,7,7. particularly in reading and writing. I took IELTS general in 2013 and my scores were L8, S7, R6, W6.5. side note: not confident with spellings and punctuations. suggestions pls