Can anyone help me in writing an essay for GT by checking my essay and reviewing it?

[At the start]

I will soon post my essay in writing here

Can anyone help me to understand my mistakes and approach that leads to above 7 bands

Thais in advance

 

[At the start]

Topic : Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Ans:

Childern are always attracted towards new learnings. To allow this, there are different institutes and groups who organise events for childern. Some people think that this is better way to grow childern. There is another view, however, that does not believe in this type of learning and prefer children to be free and independent to learn what they like. I believe that organized leading has always an upper hand than independent learning.

To begin with, childern are very much into exploring new world and possibilities. The activities that are planned have number of benifits. Firstly, when young child takes part in group tasks, he learns life skills such as time-management, discipline and team work. For example, simple painting competition can considerably improve children’s imagination and his ability to observe the world. Secondly, it is always a better idea for a child to play with other children where he understands the importance of the help and respect. Moreover, childern see the situation from other’s perspective. Finally, the most important aspect is safety which is very much taken care at planned activities. To elaborate, independent time of children lets them to experiment, which can be dangerous to them such as playing with fire.

On the other hand, childern who play on themselves learn independent working and confidence. This type of learning sometime leads children to be more risk-taker. However, organized group activities have limited time and independent learning can be achieved through extra time. Parents can allow children on their own when they are protected, may be in house or garden.

To conclude, I firmly believe that every child should be enrolled in group activities which have regulations and safety. What’s is more, independent learning can be done at home under guidance of parents.


It hs 287 words and please let me know my mistakes and improvements that I should make to get 7 bands

Thanks

 

[ypaul]

Topic : Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Ans:

Childern are always attracted towards new learnings. To allow this, there are different institutes and groups who organise events for childern. Some people think that this is better way to grow childern. There is another view, however, that does not believe in this type of learning and prefer children to be free and independent to learn what they like. I believe that organized leading has always an upper hand than independent learning.

To begin with, childern are very much into exploring new world and possibilities. The activities that are planned have number of benifits. Firstly, when young child takes part in group tasks, he learns life skills such as time-management, discipline and team work. For example, simple painting competition can considerably improve children’s imagination and his ability to observe the world. Secondly, it is always a better idea for a child to play with other children where he understands the importance of the help and respect. Moreover, childern see the situation from other’s perspective. Finally, the most important aspect is safety which is very much taken care at planned activities. To elaborate, independent time of children lets them to experiment, which can be dangerous to them such as playing with fire.

On the other hand, childern who play on themselves learn independent working and confidence. This type of learning sometime leads children to be more risk-taker. However, organized group activities have limited time and independent learning can be achieved through extra time. Parents can allow children on their own when they are protected, may be in house or garden.

To conclude, I firmly believe that every child should be enrolled in group activities which have regulations and safety. What’s is more, independent learning can be done at home under guidance of parents.


It hs 287 words and please let me know my mistakes and improvements that I should make to get 7 bands

Thanks

I would say 6, it has structure and transitions as expected in IELTS, however I find few places (marked in red) which don't seem to be right to me. If they were not there, 7 should have been fine.

1. You need to be careful with your spelling, you may use them correctly regularly but your IELTS evaluator doesn't knows that. Children is a very common word, writing it incorrectly so many times would raise eyebrows for any evaluator.
2. You don't have to do ostentatious display of vocabulary but try to use some non-vernacular words, there is a subtle difference between the two, you need to do some practice for that.
3. Dont keep using word childrens, use synonyms like youngsters, kids etc to avoid repetition.
4. I would say 'always has an' sounds better than 'has always an' as highlighted in red.
5. play on themselves ? I would say play by themselves
6. You used 'a' and 'an' quite sparingly.

I am no english teacher or native english speaker, it would be better if someone else can chip in.

 

[At the start]

I would say 6, it has structure and transitions as expected in IELTS, however I find few places (marked in red) which don't seem to be right to me. If they were not there, 7 should have been fine.

1. You need to be careful with your spelling, you may use them correctly regularly but your IELTS evaluator doesn't knows that. Children is a very common word, writing it incorrectly so many times would raise eyebrows for any evaluator.
2. You don't have to do ostentatious display of vocabulary but try to use some non-vernacular words, there is a subtle difference between the two, you need to do some practice for that.
3. Dont keep using word childrens, use synonyms like youngsters, kids etc to avoid repetition.
4. I would say 'always has an' sounds better than 'has always an' as highlighted in red.
5. play on themselves ? I would say play by themselves
6. You used 'a' and 'an' quite sparingly.

I am no english teacher or native english speaker, it would be better if someone else can chip in.

Thanks for your precious time...

And just to clarify that I always spell children as “children”... but this has happened due to my auto-correct I don’t know why.. may be I spelt that wrong earlier while typing ..

A really want to know about my score with other aspects (ignoring silly spelling mistakes) such as structure, cohesion, ideas and grammar.

Thanks again brother

 

[ypaul]

Thanks for your precious time...

And just to clarify that I always spell children as “children”... but this has happened due to my auto-correct I don’t know why.. may be I spelt that wrong earlier while typing ..

A really want to know about my score with other aspects (ignoring silly spelling mistakes) such as structure, cohesion, ideas and grammar.

Thanks again brother

If those spelling mistakes were not there, I would say 6.5 due to points I highlighted earlier like vocab, repetition of words etc.

Structure is fine, grammar - i think at 2-3 places it wasn't proper else it was okay. Usage of firstly, secondly etc and moreover, however was also fine but you didn't include examples/anecdotes to support ideas. I am saying this based on experience, I had to include all these + examples + vocab in my first IELTS attempt to get 7 in writing.

 

[At the start]

If those spelling mistakes were not there, I would say 6.5 due to points I highlighted earlier like vocab, repetition of words etc.

Structure is fine, grammar - i think at 2-3 places it wasn't proper else it was okay. Usage of firstly, secondly etc and moreover, however was also fine but you didn't include examples/anecdotes to support ideas. I am saying this based on experience, I had to include all these + examples + vocab in my first IELTS attempt to get 7 in writing.

Thank you so much sir .. I will post another essay keeping that in mind

Hope you would give feedback
Thank you

 

[At the start]

It is impossible to get band 7 for TR if you don't discuss each side at roughly equal length- your second body paragraph is way too short. If you can write more in 40-45 minutes, do. While the minimum without penalty is 241 words, those who write more, let's say in the 300-330 word range, tend to get higher scores. This has nothing to do with word count- merely writing more will not help you. However, one of the most overlooked criteria for TA is the development and extension of ideas, which is much easier to accomplish if you are able to give more detail.

From the public band descriptors for TR:

Band 6:
addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others

presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear

Band 7:

addresses all parts of the task

presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to over-generalise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus

Band 8

sufficiently addresses all parts of the task

presents a well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas

Thank you so much... anything else I have to keep in mind while writing then please let me know
Thank you

 

[At the start]

No offense to the people commenting on your essay, as I understand that they are trying to help. Having said that, the fact that someone got band 7 or 8 or 9 on the writing test doesn't necessarily mean that they understand why your essay is not band 7. Most people focus on grammatical accuracy in their corrections, and they have all vastly overestimated the importance of accuracy for band 7. You can make a fair number of mistakes at band 7, as long as they do not detract from the clarity with which you communicate your ideas.

GRA is 25% of your mark. The issue I mentioned above for TR will be far more detrimental to your score. Also, TR is easy to fix, the accuracy component of GRA is not. If you want to improve your GRA score, focus on improving your range of structures. You can do this by putting in a bunch of grammatical structures that will tick a box in your average, dim-witted English teacher/IELTS examiner's head, You can put the following structures easily into any task 2 essay:

1. Present perfect to describe a connection to the issue at hand and the past:

Children have always been curious about the world around them

2. Used to

Children used to have more time to explore their environment, which had a positive impact on their development. (Bonus non-defining relative clause at the end)

3. Comparatives

Children [who have adequate time time to learn about the world around them] often develop a greater sense of independence than [those who don't]
[some defining relative clauses for added box-ticking]

4. The 2nd conditional

If parents allowed children more time to explore their surroundings, they would be better able to develop the self confidence[ which is required for success later in life.] [one more rel clause, just for good measure]

The examples I have used are just that, examples. Get in the habit of integrating the above structures ACCURATELY into every essay, and with the level of accuracy you have shown in the essay, you have a good chance at 7.

Same for the advice above re: CC and TR- do those things and it is unlikely you will score below 7 in either of those categories.

Vocabulary is more tricky: you have a wide-ish range, but it's not always used accurately, and this might keep you from band 7 for LR. In fact fact, you don't need such a wide range for band 7 LR, so if you can improve your accuracy by using more clear and simple language, that's your best chance to improve here.

All of the suggestions that I have made are simple, specific and will make an impact on your score. What you need to do now is incorporate all of these ideas into your essay writing process so that this becomes automatic. Depending on how much time you have before the exam, you may wish to start from scratch, and not worry about how long it takes to write the essay. Once you have the process under control, work on decreasing the time. However, if your exam is soon, you may not have that luxury.

I got or point.

I have to improve my TR ans grammar.
I will practice for more complex sentences and write one more essay.

Please check that and let me know the improvements if any I make

 

[DhivyaK]

Hi, Can anyone here review my essay please? I would like to know what my writing can score. As I have only few days left for my exam, any help will be greatly appreciated. I have the question and essay here.

Question : Some people think it is a good thing for senior management positions to have very high salaries compared to other workers of the same company or organisation. To what extent do you agree?

Answer:
The remunerations offered for employees at senior management positions are relatively high compared to the salaries of employees at junior or intermediate levels within the same organisation. This phenomenon is widely accepted my many people. In my opinion, I firmly extend my support in paying high salaries to senior employees.
This essay will outline the analysis on why senior employees ought to be offered high salaries followed by a reasoned
Conclusion.

While I agree that every employee's contribution, irrespective of their designation or role is of Paramount importance towards the success of an organisation, senior employees are the most important assets, as they are primarily responsible for loss or profit. Higher officials are offered spectacular positions, and they directly take part in defining organisational goals and driving the employees towards achieving them. For example, the vice president or CEO of an organisation is held accountable when there is a loss in the business, where as employees at other levels are hardly involved in such circumstances.

Another important point to consider is that, employees are often motivated by higher officials and the rewards they are offered. The gap between the salaries offered at different levels often influences people positively, in order to strive to get into higher positions. People tend to work hard and stay dedicated to get promoted to senior levels gradually. To illustrate, If all the employees are offered the same amount of salary, then there is no stimulation for employees to perform better to get promoted and it eventually leads to lack of motivation.

In conclusion, defining different pay scales based on an employee's role or designation is an appropriate way to keep them motivated. Moreover, it is necessary to reiterate that seniors that play most valuable roles should be rewarded by providing high salaries.