IELTS checking essay. Please Help Me!

[lananhlananh]

As transport and accommodation problems are increasing in many cities, some governments are encouraging businesses to move to rural areas. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
ESSAY
In today's society, businesses are encouraged to relocate to the countryside as metropolitan cities are facing a host of problems related to accommodation and transportation. While some suppose that this ideas may bring about some drawbacks, I would argue that these are eclipsed by its benefits.

On the one hand, businesses may suffer from plenty of difficulties if they decided to move to rural areas. The most striking challenge is the lack of skilled workers. Given the insufficiency of educational institutions and the poor awareness of residents, rarely do countryside dwellers finish high school and go off to college. Therefore, it is challenging for enterprises, especially technological ones to search for an excellent workforce. Besides, because of the poor transport link, the delivery of materials or products is not always easy, which might exert a negative impact on the company’s reputation as well as its profitability.

On the other hand, I am of the opinion that the aforementioned disadvantages are at expense of greater advantages. The relocation of businesses to the countryside also means that employees would also migrate to these regions so that they could continue working. Therefore, the problems that cities are facing might be disappeared. In terms of transportation, it is clear that traffic congestion during rush hour would reduce significantly, helping to create a healthier environment for city dwellers, in which they do not need to suffer from environmental issues ranging from air pollution to noise pollution. With regard to accommodation, housing scarcity is very unlikely to happen and the prices of housing may go down as well.

In conclusion, with all of the reasons mentioned above, although encouraging companies to set their branches in rural areas brings some minus points, it seems to me that its plus points would be more outstanding.

 

[esse]

As transport and accommodation problems are increasing in many cities, some governments are encouraging businesses to move to rural areas. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
ESSAY
In today's society, businesses are encouraged to relocate to the countryside as metropolitan cities are facing a host of problems related to accommodation and transportation. While some suppose that this ideas may bring about some drawbacks, I would argue that these are eclipsed by its benefits.

On the one hand, businesses may suffer from plenty of difficulties if they decided to move to rural areas. The most striking challenge is the lack of skilled workers. Given the insufficiency of educational institutions and the poor awareness of residents, rarely do countryside dwellers finish high school and go off to college. Therefore, it is challenging for enterprises, especially technological ones to search for an excellent workforce. Besides, because of the poor transport link, the delivery of materials or products is not always easy, which might exert a negative impact on the company’s reputation as well as its profitability.

On the other hand, I am of the opinion that the aforementioned disadvantages are at expense of greater advantages. The relocation of businesses to the countryside also means that employees would also migrate to these regions so that they could continue working. Therefore, the problems that cities are facing might be disappeared. In terms of transportation, it is clear that traffic congestion during rush hour would reduce significantly, helping to create a healthier environment for city dwellers, in which they do not need to suffer from environmental issues ranging from air pollution to noise pollution. With regard to accommodation, housing scarcity is very unlikely to happen and the prices of housing may go down as well.

In conclusion, with all of the reasons mentioned above, although encouraging companies to set their branches in rural areas brings some minus points, it seems to me that its plus points would be more outstanding.

Some of your sentences don't sound natural. Think and express the idea in English. It seems that you are trying to translate from your native language. Avoid doing that. Be more to the point. Clearly express the point you are trying to make. Think your arguments carefully. Employees don't need to relocate. They will have to commute which might cause a hardship for them. Finally, your intro and conclusion are very basic. A good conclusion grabs attention and a good conclusion wraps up the essay. Good luck.

 

[lananhlananh]

Some of your sentences don't sound natural. Think and express the idea in English. It seems that you are trying to translate from your native language. Avoid doing that. Be more to the point. Clearly express the point you are trying to make. Think your arguments carefully. Employees don't need to relocate. They will have to commute which might cause a hardship for them. Finally, your intro and conclusion are very basic. A good conclusion grabs attention and a good conclusion wraps up the essay. Good luck.

Thank you so much for your genuine feedback. I'll try to be better and can you please check if my edited conclusion is okay or not?
In conclusion, although encouraging companies to set up their branches in remote areas may take a toll on the proliferation of a business, it seems to me that its plus points would be more outstanding as it effectively solves some immensely challenging problems facing the urban areas.

 

[esse]

Thank you so much for your genuine feedback. I'll try to be better and can you please check if my edited conclusion is okay or not?
In conclusion, although encouraging companies to set up their branches in remote areas may take a toll on the proliferation of a business, it seems to me that its plus points would be more outstanding as it effectively solves some immensely challenging problems facing the urban areas.

Try this for your conclusion, "Although encouraging companies to relocate in rural areas might seem beneficial, I strongly believe that rural areas do not offer the benefits that cities offer and companies will lose their profits and suffer in the long run."

One very important thing you have to remember, you have to give an example to illustrate your point. If you don't have an example, this will bring your score down considerably. I also recommend you to read more sample essays. See how arguments are stated and supported. Learning some vocabulary will be beneficial. See the sample essays below.

https://ieltsmaterial.com/ielts-advantage-disadvantage-essay-of-band-8-5-topic-traffic-accommodation/
https://ieltsfever.net/as-transport-and-accommodation-problems-are-increasing/

 

[GandiBaat]

As transport and accommodation problems are increasing in many cities, some governments are encouraging businesses to move to rural areas. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
ESSAY
In today's society, businesses are encouraged to relocate to the countryside as metropolitan cities are facing a host of problems related to accommodation and transportation. While some suppose that this ideas may bring about some drawbacks, I would argue that these are eclipsed by its benefits.

On the one hand, businesses may suffer from plenty of difficulties if they decided to move to rural areas. The most striking challenge is the lack of skilled workers. Given the insufficiency of educational institutions and the poor awareness of residents, rarely do countryside dwellers finish high school and go off to college. Therefore, it is challenging for enterprises, especially technological ones to search for an excellent workforce. Besides, because of the poor transport link, the delivery of materials or products is not always easy, which might exert a negative impact on the company’s reputation as well as its profitability.

On the other hand, I am of the opinion that the aforementioned disadvantages are at expense of greater advantages. The relocation of businesses to the countryside also means that employees would also migrate to these regions so that they could continue working. Therefore, the problems that cities are facing might be disappeared. In terms of transportation, it is clear that traffic congestion during rush hour would reduce significantly, helping to create a healthier environment for city dwellers, in which they do not need to suffer from environmental issues ranging from air pollution to noise pollution. With regard to accommodation, housing scarcity is very unlikely to happen and the prices of housing may go down as well.

In conclusion, with all of the reasons mentioned above, although encouraging companies to set their branches in rural areas brings some minus points, it seems to me that its plus points would be more outstanding.

Mistakes that you SHOULD correct.
Reword these to make your written work more clear.

1. "this ideas" should be "this idea". Ideas is not a collective noun AFAIK.

2. "these are eclipsed by its benefits" : "these" sounds a bit confusing. What are you referring to the "ideas" or the drawbacks. Better wording may be "these smaller challenges are more than overcome/rewarded/compensated by its enormous benefits." Notice, it allows you to clearly communicate: what is the cause, what is -ve, what is +ve and what do you think will happen in totality.

3. "On the one hand..." : Keep it simple, just say "To begin with challenges, perhaps the hardest one might be"

4. "is" : It may be better to use "will" or even better use "might". "is" denotes present tense and since you do not have any facts in the essay, you might want to stick to speculation -- which is perfect! They want to see how you write a really compelling essay so speculation is great!

5. "the insufficiency of educational institution": Sounds very unnatural. You may just want to call out, "lack of quality academic / vocational institutes/schools".

6. Use of article "the". Since I see you using "the" pretty liberally, here is what I know: Typically you use "the" when you want to stress about something that is known to you or your readers. For instance "The girl and the boy were fornicating". If both girl and boy have been introduced earlier and is known to the reader, "the" is perfect. If say girl is know but boy is not then just say "The girl and a boy/some boy were fornicating". For instance, I will argue "Given a general lack of sound academic and vocational training institutes in countryside". Since this essay is not really about only lack of educational facilities in rural areas and you have not really established it before and it is unknown if reader is aware of some very particular insufficiency, it might make sense to allude to some kind of lack of educational facilities, not any specific in particular.

7. "poor awareness of residents" : you may want to call out "poor awareness among the locals". I think the idea is more like "lack of motivation among locals for education/vocational training attainment".

8. "rarely do countryside dwellers finish high school and go off to college" : Might want to phrase as "work age rural population may be insufficiently educated for jobs, often limited to a high school diploma or even less."

I guess this should give you a gist of how to look at your choice of sentences and phrases and structuring. To do an exhaustive commenting will take quite a bit of effort and my wife will then not "fornicate" with me, so I will leave it here.

 

[lananhlananh]

Try this for your conclusion, "Although encouraging companies to relocate in rural areas might seem beneficial, I strongly believe that rural areas do not offer the benefits that cities offer and companies will lose their profits and suffer in the long run."

One very important thing you have to remember, you have to give an example to illustrate your point. If you don't have an example, this will bring your score down considerably. I also recommend you to read more sample essays. See how arguments are stated and supported. Learning some vocabulary will be beneficial. See the sample essays below.

https://ieltsmaterial.com/ielts-advantage-disadvantage-essay-of-band-8-5-topic-traffic-accommodation/
https://ieltsfever.net/as-transport-and-accommodation-problems-are-increasing/

Thank you so much!

 

[lananhlananh]

Mistakes that you SHOULD correct.
Reword these to make your written work more clear.

1. "this ideas" should be "this idea". Ideas is not a collective noun AFAIK.

2. "these are eclipsed by its benefits" : "these" sounds a bit confusing. What are you referring to the "ideas" or the drawbacks. Better wording may be "these smaller challenges are more than overcome/rewarded/compensated by its enormous benefits." Notice, it allows you to clearly communicate: what is the cause, what is -ve, what is +ve and what do you think will happen in totality.

3. "On the one hand..." : Keep it simple, just say "To begin with challenges, perhaps the hardest one might be"

4. "is" : It may be better to use "will" or even better use "might". "is" denotes present tense and since you do not have any facts in the essay, you might want to stick to speculation -- which is perfect! They want to see how you write a really compelling essay so speculation is great!

5. "the insufficiency of educational institution": Sounds very unnatural. You may just want to call out, "lack of quality academic / vocational institutes/schools".

6. Use of article "the". Since I see you using "the" pretty liberally, here is what I know: Typically you use "the" when you want to stress about something that is known to you or your readers. For instance "The girl and the boy were fornicating". If both girl and boy have been introduced earlier and is known to the reader, "the" is perfect. If say girl is know but boy is not then just say "The girl and a boy/some boy were fornicating". For instance, I will argue "Given a general lack of sound academic and vocational training institutes in countryside". Since this essay is not really about only lack of educational facilities in rural areas and you have not really established it before and it is unknown if reader is aware of some very particular insufficiency, it might make sense to allude to some kind of lack of educational facilities, not any specific in particular.

7. "poor awareness of residents" : you may want to call out "poor awareness among the locals". I think the idea is more like "lack of motivation among locals for education/vocational training attainment".

8. "rarely do countryside dwellers finish high school and go off to college" : Might want to phrase as "work age rural population may be insufficiently educated for jobs, often limited to a high school diploma or even less."

I guess this should give you a gist of how to look at your choice of sentences and phrases and structuring. To do an exhaustive commenting will take quite a bit of effort and my wife will then not "fornicate" with me, so I will leave it here.

Thank you so much!!

 

[Navita Garg]

How I post my task 1 and 2 for assessment

 

[acampbell]

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the inquiry by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of encouraging businesses to move to rural areas. To strengthen the argument, the author could provide more evidence and examples to support his claims. I understand that writing this type of essay is a difficult task, so I advise you argumentative essay to buy to consider potential counterarguments for a more complete analysis.

 

[foodie69]

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the inquiry by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of encouraging businesses to move to rural areas. To strengthen the argument, the author could provide more evidence and examples to support his claims. I understand that writing this type of essay is a difficult task, so I advise you argumentative essay to buy to consider potential counterarguments for a more complete analysis.

I got this

 

[najwayamiinah]

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