SOP Letter, looking for people to proof read and give advice
- Thread starter cordoang
- Start date
lakshmanan
Hero Member
- Jan 9, 2013
- 1
- Category........
- Visa Office......
- Sydney
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- 2283
- Job Offer........
- Pre-Assessed..
- App. Filed.......
- 11-04-2016
- Nomination.....
- 24-10-2015
- AOR Received.
- 12-06-2016
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- 27-10-2016
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- 04-11-2016
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- 08-03-2017
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- 25-03-2017
Moneywater- When is the last date to file for visa under Univ category?moneywater said:send me at moneywater @ rediffmail.com
I'll try to help you
OMNI
Hero Member
- Jan 30, 2013
- 6
- Category........
- Visa Office......
- CPP- Ottawa
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- Pre-Assessed..
Hey I've proof read your SOP
First of all I can't believe that you were an English Teacher because there are so many grammatical mistakes on so many levels ???
purple: mistake
green: change
1st para:
avoid repeating words like : mydecision (2nd line) ..without legal status (2nd para)
rewrite them.
emphasis first on education because you are applying to study (3 rd line start with education first)
i was living : Initially,I lived
2nd para:
equally comparable: quite comparable
3rd para:
private school are: private school is
--> mention about your previous education before the french paragraph.
--> tell them which course you are persuing and why that course from that particular college/university, why not others. (you can write like what motivated you to pursue your further studies)
-->in the end mention that why canada...not in the starting, start with your education details first.
--> don't write about the colleagues in the university you want to go.
--> don't write like: my character reflects ...as you can see...rewrite them....let the words reflect your character.
Hope this helps
First of all I can't believe that you were an English Teacher because there are so many grammatical mistakes on so many levels ???
purple: mistake
green: change
1st para:
avoid repeating words like : mydecision (2nd line) ..without legal status (2nd para)
rewrite them.
emphasis first on education because you are applying to study (3 rd line start with education first)
i was living : Initially,I lived
2nd para:
equally comparable: quite comparable
3rd para:
private school are: private school is
--> mention about your previous education before the french paragraph.
--> tell them which course you are persuing and why that course from that particular college/university, why not others. (you can write like what motivated you to pursue your further studies)
-->in the end mention that why canada...not in the starting, start with your education details first.
--> don't write about the colleagues in the university you want to go.
--> don't write like: my character reflects ...as you can see...rewrite them....let the words reflect your character.
Hope this helps
Well, got it and read through. Good thing about it is- you have really kept it short.
So below are my points that you might want to change..you perhaps should as it would make it appear right.
Greeting-
Error 1: Dear Consular Officer:
Write instead- Dear Consular/Dear Officer (either of those not both!)...and take off that colon too
Error 2: In the very first line, you don't have to necessarily have semicolon. But if you really wanna have it, it should be superseded by a lower case "i" an not Capital. Else you keep a period there.
2nd paragraph--I wouldn't say this as an error... as I am not sure if you really have to tell them about your legal status repetitively. Work on that too as moneywater mentioned.
3rd paragraph- I guess it need not be mentioned at all...
4th paragraph-- Its too much of defaming about your country of origin. You might praise the country you intend to study in but shouldn't cause any disparage to your native. To me, it might not be so favorable as the VO might think you may not go back to Mexico after graduation and rather settle in Canada as you yourself have just written you want to be in a place where the quality is in par with USA. You might have to alter it a bit as well!
6th paragraph- This sentence-- "My gpa reflects that I am a person of high integrity" is not really needed is my opinion. Let the SOP and the words and the truth behind it reveal the integrity. Hope I am not rubbing your intentions as I just wanted to be genuine with it. Well, the VO's can certainly see through it Don't worry friend.
8th paragraph- not sure what your intended course of study is.. Assuming its either English/French, I am expressing this- explain how and in what ways this study is going to help you in Mexico. Apart from family connections what would make you go back in order to establish yourself in a stream related to your study. Leave some strong points in there. Not to mention about the blank spaces are for... You could take those off or fill it up
Last paragraph- Again reiterating on the factors you considered...allow them to consider rather than you mentioning it. Also re-phrase the character inclined words and mode citizen etc.. otherwise it seems to be good for me
So below are my points that you might want to change..you perhaps should as it would make it appear right.
Greeting-
Error 1: Dear Consular Officer:
Write instead- Dear Consular/Dear Officer (either of those not both!)...and take off that colon too
Error 2: In the very first line, you don't have to necessarily have semicolon. But if you really wanna have it, it should be superseded by a lower case "i" an not Capital. Else you keep a period there.
2nd paragraph--I wouldn't say this as an error... as I am not sure if you really have to tell them about your legal status repetitively. Work on that too as moneywater mentioned.
3rd paragraph- I guess it need not be mentioned at all...
4th paragraph-- Its too much of defaming about your country of origin. You might praise the country you intend to study in but shouldn't cause any disparage to your native. To me, it might not be so favorable as the VO might think you may not go back to Mexico after graduation and rather settle in Canada as you yourself have just written you want to be in a place where the quality is in par with USA. You might have to alter it a bit as well!
6th paragraph- This sentence-- "My gpa reflects that I am a person of high integrity" is not really needed is my opinion. Let the SOP and the words and the truth behind it reveal the integrity. Hope I am not rubbing your intentions as I just wanted to be genuine with it. Well, the VO's can certainly see through it
Don't worry friend. 8th paragraph- not sure what your intended course of study is.. Assuming its either English/French, I am expressing this- explain how and in what ways this study is going to help you in Mexico. Apart from family connections what would make you go back in order to establish yourself in a stream related to your study. Leave some strong points in there. Not to mention about the blank spaces are for... You could take those off or fill it up
Last paragraph- Again reiterating on the factors you considered...allow them to consider rather than you mentioning it. Also re-phrase the character inclined words and mode citizen etc.. otherwise it seems to be good for me