Kindly assess my Writing task 2 and provide your valuable feedback

[Hussain_Khan]

Topic: Without capital punishment our lives are less secure and crimes or violence increase. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

Capital punishment restricts people from committing many crimes, spreading violence and communal riots. Without Capital punishment, people living in country may become vulnerable and at the same it would give rise to serious crime which may result in huge loss to public properties, murders and thefts.

On one hand, by introducing capital punishment in a country would make people may feel safe and protected. Let's see the effects in different parts of the world that has capital punishment. For example, many countries, including Saudi Arabia have very strict rules of punishments. Once, the culprit is found guilty for killing someone he would face charges to be slaughtered in the middle of the market. By seeing such dreadful punishment, no human would dare to kill or harm anyone. Although, such strict acts of punishment are opposed by many human rights organizations the reoccurrence of serious crime is very minimal in the given country.

On the other, country that does not fall under Capital Punishment faces high rate of crime. This could be because of laws that give opportunity to criminals to escape from punishment even though he is found guilty in the charges of serious crime. For instance, let's take example of my own country India, where the culprit still have chance to evade from the punishment by appealing into the high court of law. Moreover, he could also file petition for granting him a bail till the verdict is announced by the jury.

Finally, after analyzing both sides of Capital Punishment in different countries, as a matter of fact, people would like to live in more secured and peaceful place without having threat to their lives. In my opinion, every country should introduce Capital Punishment with appropriate acts of punishments to make the world a safer place to live.

 

[peace111]

definitely 7 band

 

[Hussain_Khan]

Thanks peace...

Would be delighted if more feedback and ratings are received.. Tips on area of improvement...

Regards
Hussain

 

[barmy]

OMG yor writting is awsm...
for me,i didnt see any mistake in this essay... i have also took IELTS date that's why i am preparing for test However, your writting give me very good clues.... please update your more essay if you can,,, it has been really really beneficial for me. thank you for giving me chance to look this fabulous writting,,,
Gud luck u surely get 7...

 

[amikety]

WARNING: I come from a long line of English teachers and I'm a grammar Nazi. I picked this apart like I would for a student in university

If you have any questions about my comments, just ask.

Article = the, a, an

Your English is very good and I'm sure you'll get a decent score with this. Your ability to write a convincing argument, however, maybe not so much

Also, your arguments for the death penalty have been proven incorrect.... but that doesn't actually matter

Topic: Without capital punishment our lives are less secure and crimes or violence increase. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

Capital punishment restricts people from committing many crimes, spreading violence and communal riots. Without Capital punishment, people living in Need article country may become vulnerable and at the same COMMA it would give rise to serious crime which may result in huge loss to public properties, murders and thefts. Paragraphs should have at least three sentences. Your last sentence is very long, consider making it two.

On one hand, by introducing This is passive, try to avoid passive sentences capital punishment in a country would make people may feel safe and protected. Let's see the effects in different parts of the world that has capital punishment. For example, many countries, including Saudi Arabia have very strict rules of punishments. Once, the culprit is found guilty for killing someone he would face charges to be slaughtered strong word choice - make sure this is what you want in the middle of the market. By seeing such dreadful punishment, no human would dare to kill or harm anyone. Although, such strict acts of punishment are opposed by many human rights organizations the reoccurrence of serious crime is very minimal in the given country. This last sentence really doesn't go... feels like you just added it on without reading what was before. No flow.

On the other, need article country that does not fall under Capital Punishment don't captialize faces high rate plural (rates) of crime. This could be because of laws that give opportunity to criminals to escape from punishment COMMA even though he it's proper English to say "he/she" is found guilty in the charges of serious crime. For instance, let's take example of my never use first person in an essay of this type own country India, where the culprit still have chance to evade from the punishment by appealing into the high court of law. Moreover, he could also file petition for granting him a bail till "till" is something people do to the ground before planting. Until is probably the world you're looking for. the verdict is announced by the jury.

Finally, after analyzing both sides of Capital Punishment in different countries, as a matter of fact, people would like to live in more secured and peaceful place without having threat to their lives. In my no first person opinion the reader will know this is your opinion, you're the author, every country should introduce Capital Punishment "captial punishment" with appropriate acts of punishments to make the world a safer place to live.

 

[amikety]

Other suggestions:

- instead of using "captial punishment" over and over, try other phrases that mean the same thing, such as death penalty
- it's best to write essays in past tense. If you're unsure how to convey current feelings in past tense, it's called past perfect tense and I can help you
- I missed this (ops!) originally, but this is how conjunctions work:

X, Y, and Z. If you have more than two items, there is a COMMA before the 'and'. Only two items are like this: A and B.

Like I said, I'm an extreme grammar nazi. My in-depth nitpicking is in no way a reflection of your ability.

I'm very impressed with your English writing. It's much better than many native English speakers I know. Your spelling was 100% and grammar only had minor errors. I have no doubts you'll pass high with this quality writing. You've also so impressed me - English is such a hard language to learn and you've done an excellent job.

 

[Hussain_Khan]

Thanks Amikety for pointing out the mistakes. Your analysis and suggestions on every line of my passage helping me in gaining more confidence. Infact, this will help me to improve in grammar and putting more valid points.

Thanks to all for your inputs and suggestions, It is really helping me out...

Hussain

 

[Hussain_Khan]

Amikety, can you please provide me with some examples of past perfect tense. You have rightly pointed out the mistake, I do have challenges to understand and write active and passive sentences...

Your help in anyways is always appreciated !!

 

[sharpe88]

Hi Hussain, good writing but I'm not sure if it's band 7. As another poster said, work on the basic grammar errors like articles and look into improving your punctuation, such as use of commas. Don't Capitalize words that don't need it. Your vocabulary usage is great here though.

 

[amikety]

Amikety, can you please provide me with some examples of past perfect tense. You have rightly pointed out the mistake, I do have challenges to understand and write active and passive sentences...

Your help in anyways is always appreciated !!

Here is a page that explains it well (imo). There's a lot a little lesson about passive tense towards the bottom.

http://www.englishpage.com/verbpage/pastperfect.html

This site is a ESL site:

http://www.englishclub.com/grammar/verb-tenses_past-perfect.htm

Basically past perfect says it happened in the past, but also continues into the present. So - it was happening in the past and is still occuring now.

The word "had" is key to this tense. You will use it a lot as a "helper verb." "I am going to the store." We understand that the subject is on the way to the store. "I had gone to the store." In English, this means you made the trip to the store, but does not indicate you have left - you may still be at the store in the present. "I went to the store." Past tense - this clearly says you have travelled to the store and left.

Since you're writing a persausive argument on a current topic, the use of present tense will be overlooked on that merit, however, you aren't supposed to mix the 3 major tenses. (Past, Present, and Future.) You can mix past and past perfect, however.

"Could" "would" and "should" will be very useful to you as well. You can say "I should go to the store." That's present tense. However, if you say "I should have (should've) gone to the store." Now it's past tense. The meaning is slightly different yes - but you're conveying a past need to go to the store with a present need to still go.... I hope that makes sense. I'm nowhere as good explaining this as my late grandmother!

Just a sidenote - the Perfect tenses are difficult and most English speaking people don't understand them either. If you're able to master the Past Perfect, you'll be far ahead of a lot of people already in Canada! And if you can't wrap your head around the Perfect tenses, don't worry. They confuse even me at times.

 

[scylla]

Hi Hussain, good writing but I'm not sure if it's band 7. As another poster said, work on the basic grammar errors like articles and look into improving your punctuation, such as use of commas. Don't Capitalize words that don't need it. Your vocabulary usage is great here though.

I agree. I don't think it's band 7 either.

 

[Hussain_Khan]

Thanks amikety.... I will start trying using past perfect tenses in my essays and will post another one soon.

@scylla: Thanks for your inputs

 

[Hussain_Khan]

Hi Amikety and others... here is another essay.. please evaluate and provide your suggestions...

Some people think that students who don’t take a break in studies between the high school and the university are at disadvantage compared to students who travel and work after high school before further continuing their education. Agree or disagree?


In today’s competitive world both education and experience plays a major role to have a successful career. On one hand, students who opt to travel and work will gain real time experience, opportunity to travel abroad and meet people from different geographies. On the other hand, a student who doesn’t work may lack in gaining real time experience and might face challenges while attending the job interviews
.
It is believed by many people, that work experience along with the education has always been the key to success in an individual career. An early start in a career would always help the individual in many aspects. For example, enhancement of interpersonal skills, learn to communicate well, ability to work independently, builds confidence to handle critical situations. In addition to this, if his/her job involves travel then they would also get a chance to visit different countries, take the joy of sightseeing and meeting people from various cultural backgrounds.

Moreover, nowadays the companies are also offering educational courses to their employees. Thus, students have the option to pursue their education while working and most likely cost will be borne by the company. Conversely, students who completes their education and try to look for a job might face difficulties in finding the right job as they may be inefficient in terms of skills and experience when compared to the working person.

In conclusion, it would always be better to start working early while you are studying. This could make you different from other students and helps you to grow faster in professional career.

Thanks
Hussain

 

[amikety]

Hi Amikety and others... here is another essay.. please evaluate and provide your suggestions...

Some people think that students who don't take a break in studies between the high school and the university are at disadvantage compared to students who travel and work after high school before further continuing their education. Agree or disagree?


In today's competitive world both education and experience plays 'play' a major role to have a successful career. 'in having' On one hand, students who opt to travel and work will gain real time experience, opportunity to travel we already know they get to travel abroad COMMA and meet people from different geographies. I understand what you're trying to say, but this really isn't the right world. "Cultures" is a better term. On the other hand, just a nitpick, I would use a different lead in - not use the hand/hand. Feels like a repeat, even though they are different. a student who doesn't work may lack in gaining real time experience and might face challenges while attending the job interviews "." Very nice point you made here.
.
It is believed by many people, that work experience along with the education has always been the key to success in an individual career. An early start in a career would always help the individual in many aspects. For example, enhancement of interpersonal skills, learn to communicate well, ability to work independently, builds confidence to handle critical situations. Without a conjunction (and) this is a run-on sentence. In addition to this, if his/her job involves travel COMMA then they would also get a chance to visit different countries, take the joy of sightseeing COMMA and meeting people from various cultural backgrounds.

Moreover, nowadays the companies are also offering educational courses to their employees. Thus, students have the option to pursue their education while working and most likely cost will be borne by the company. Conversely, students who completes their education and try to look for a job might face difficulties in finding the right job as they may be inefficient in terms of skills and experience when compared to the working person.

In conclusion, it would always be better to start working early while you are studying. This could make you different from other students and helps you to grow faster in professional career. Paragraphs need at least three sentences

Thanks
Hussain

- "then" almost always has a comma before it. If you're redirecting or changing the flow of the sentence, always a comma. Think of it like driving. Even if you're just changing lanes on the road, you need the comma.

- Comma with "and" and 3 or more items in succession. A, B, and C. If you have 3 items, the comma goes before and. Only two items and no comma (A and B). The only exception is if your list includes a compound word or phrase that includes and (such as "bread and butter." That is one phrase and never a comma in there. "For dinner, we ate chicken, green beans, bread and butter, and jello for dessert.")

- also, as a rule, try not to repeat words too close together. (Except for articles like the, a, conjunctions like and, but, and prepositions like on, in, etc - the words there aren't really other terms for.)

- Are you using a thesaurus? If you aren't - find one online. If you are using one, word of caution. When you imput a word and find a synonym, always then imput that word and read it's definition before selecting. Sometimes the words suggested are only synonyms in some cases and don't apply to every situation. For example - mean and cruel. They are synonyms. You are being mean when you are being cruel, however, you can be mean without being cruel. Cruel represents a much darker intent so they aren't necessarily interchangable in every situation.

- I like your argument this time, very relevant. Just a suggestion, but you could also include a part about Internships as good work experience too or working in the graduate lab (which my brother does) to get work experience, build relations with the teachers, and gain further insight into the education by practicum.

 

[Hussain_Khan]

Dear Amikety... Your previous feedback was really helpful. I am focusing a lot on writing and trying to learn how to write effectively within 40 minutes. Your assessments and inputs are giving me more and more insights on usage of grammar and punctuations.

I have a concern here . For me, it has been like more than 6 years, since I have used pen or a pencil to write, I am a techie person and most of my work is always on computer. Now, it is becoming really hard for me to write on a paper and at the same time think of ideas, concentrate on grammar and punctuations. However, I had been practicsing a lot to overcome this problem and I can see an improvement. Below is another essay I wrote in a book and pasted here.

Please analyze and give your thoughts.

Thanks

Topic:Some businesses prohibit smoking in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. Do you agree or disagree that this is the right course of action? Give reasons for your opinion.

Firstly, smoking is considered as one of the major cause of cancer. Many, smoking companies mention clearly on the cigarette packs, that “Smoking is injurious to health”, despite of this fact, many people are involved in this activity. Secondly, smoking cannot be banned, but perhaps government or office management can take appropriate and preventive methods to reduce the consumption of tobacco.

On one hand, many people smoke for various reasons, for example, to release their tensions, to show off or an addiction. Moreover, it has proved scientifically that passive smoking is equally harmful to a person who doesn’t smoke. We also see many young women and girls are also adopting this trend. The consumption of nicotine could be dangerous for herself and her child, in case of pregnancy. Nowadays, many kids and teenagers are also victim of smoking which could lead them to depression, fatigue and severe health problems in future. Additionally, it is also causing environmental damage and air pollution simultaneously in a much faster pace.

One the other, many non-profitable organizations are conducting campaigns, and trying to bring awareness to the people regarding negative impact of smoking. These days, many medicines are produced to make a person leave habit of smoking. Although, these above attempts are made, people still find it very arduous to give up on tobacco. Reason being, they feel smoking help them in getting relieve from their worries for some time and also feel relaxed. Especially, professionals and job going people prefer to smoke as they believe that, it gives their mind peace and reap strength to think of new ideas related to their work.

Finally, after analyzing both the sides, it would be a good idea to make smoking zones out of office premises. Government should prohibit people from smoking in public places, and should impose a huge penalty fee as an act of punishment. However at the same time; the attempts of reducing the consumption of tobacco should be continued and encouraged by all of us, to mitigate the cause of globalization and make our lives non-vulnerable.