Is marriage the only way? Is this just crazy??

[kandc]

My boyfriend and I have been long distance for 3 years. We've visited several times but always just for a weekend. He's American, I'm Canadian.

He can't afford to stop working and move here for a year. No common-law.
Money is our only barrier. No conjugal partner.
He doesn't qualify as a skilled worker. No work visa.
He can't afford to pay for university. No student visa.

What do we do? Is getting married and applying as a spouse our only option? We've spent less than a month total together in person... is this crazy? How long did you spend with your spouse in person before getting married?

 

[ddobro2]

I would not suggest applying as conjugal, but not for the reason you state ("money is our only barrier," not that I understand how this related to the conjugal partner category):

You may apply as a conjugal partner if:
•you have maintained a conjugal relationship with your sponsor for at least one year and you have been prevented from living together or marrying because of: ◦an immigration barrier
◦your marital status (for example, you are married to someone else and living in a country where divorce is not possible) or
◦your sexual orientation (for example, you are in a same-sex relationship and same-sex marriage is not permitted where you live)

•you can provide evidence there was a reason you could not live together (for example, you were refused long-term stays in each other’s country).

You should not apply as a conjugal partner if:
•You could have lived together but chose not to. This shows that you did not have the level of commitment required for a conjugal relationship. (For example, one of you may not have wanted to give up a job or a course of study, or your relationship was not yet at the point where you were ready to live together.)
•You cannot provide evidence there was a reason that kept you from living together.•You are engaged to be married. In this case, you should either apply as a spouse once the marriage has taken place or apply as a common-law partner if you have lived together continuously for at least 12 months.

Basically, CIC is preferential toward marriage, and they'll consider you a member of the Family Class if you live together with your sponsor for a consecutive year unmarried, but if you're in a long distance relationship, they really expect you to have an outstanding reason to be able to use that category to prove you are a member of the Family Class....or else just get married. And as the paragraph above shows, that reason really has to be something beyond your control.....often times, it's not just something preventing you from living together, but from marrying too (coming from two different cultures and facing a taboo about being together, for example). Obviously, as an American, that's not going to be a typical circumstance you face.

Why are you hesitant to go the marriage route to sponsor him? Do you see yourself marrying him in the future anyway?

By the way, how do you know he doesn't qualify for the FSW stream?

My boyfriend and I have been long distance for 3 years. We've visited several times but always just for a weekend. He's American, I'm Canadian.

He can't afford to stop working and move here for a year. No common-law.
Money is our only barrier. No conjugal partner.
He doesn't qualify as a skilled worker. No work visa.
He can't afford to pay for university. No student visa.

What do we do? Is getting married and applying as a spouse our only option? We've spent less than a month total together in person... is this crazy?

In person....about 6 days

How long did you spend with your spouse in person before getting married?

 

[scylla]

Based on what you've said, it does sound like your only option is marriage.

I spent almost three years with my husband in person before we married (he's also American). A month wouldn't be enough for me. But everyone is individual and this is obviously a personal decision/choice.

Good luck...

 

[Indigo]

I think OP is hesitant to go the marriage route because she only spent a month with her boyfriend in person.

kandc, is there any way you can spend some more time together? For example, in my case I went to Canada several times for a visit anywhere from 2 weeks to a month, and my boyfriend (now husband) came to The Netherlands for a short visit of 2 weeks a few times. He also came to live with me in The Netherlands for 2½ months after he finished his Bachelor degree. If more short visits and/or a longer visit were a thing would be possible for either or both of you, that would be ideal.

Don't let CIC rush you into marriage when you don't feel ready! My husband and I made a point of getting married under our own terms, when we felt ready to take this step in our relationship.
My husband was married before, also to an immigrant, and they got married very prematurely in the relationship because he and his ex felt they had no choice; they tried to become common law but they were stopped at the US/Can border when coming back from a trip to US, and were basically told "get married and apply as spousal family class, or get out". So much for common law... They hastily got married within 2 weeks because she had to leave within 2 months if they didn't. It was a gloomy ceremony with only 4 family members and no friends present. Her parents couldn't even make it. The marriage ended in divorce a few years later because though they tried, they turned out not compatible when they got to know each other better.
So it was -especiallly to him- very important that this time we didn't let CIC dictate the course of our relationship. We are happy that we had the wedding day we wanted, at a moment we were ready for it.

 

[scylla]

Don't let CIC rush you into marriage when yu don't feel ready!

Excellent advice!

On the other hand, if you are ready - go for it!

 

[kandc]

I would not suggest applying as conjugal, but not for the reason you state ("money is our only barrier," not that I understand how this related to the conjugal partner category):

I know we definitely don't qualify as conjugal. That was the original plan until we found out that just not having enough money to leave your job doesn't count as a barrier. We could have lived together if one of us was able to leave our jobs, but neither of us can at the moment.

Why are you hesitant to go the marriage route to sponsor him? Do you see yourself marrying him in the future anyway?

I'm not hesitant about marriage for reasons related to my boyfriend... we are very much in love and definitely do plan on getting married eventually. I'm hesitant because my father is EXTREMELY against it. My boyfriend is older than I am and has very little money and that's a huge issue for my dad (along with the fact that we haven't been together in person for longer than a weekend at a time). I'm very worried about ruining my relationship with my father which is why I'm looking for another possible route to get my boyfriend here.

By the way, how do you know he doesn't qualify for the FSW stream?

I know he doesn't qualify for FSW because he's a DJ/delivery driver for a chain restaurant. Neither of those jobs are on the approved skilled workers list

 

[kandc]

I think OP is hesitant to go the marriage route because she only spent a month with her boyfriend in person.

kandc, is there any way you can spend some more time together? For example, in my case I went to Canada several times for a visit anywhere from 2 weeks to a month, and my boyfriend (now husband) came to The Netherlands for a short visit of 2 weeks a few times. He also came to live with me in The Netherlands for 2½ months after he finished his Bachelor degree. If more short visits and/or a longer visit were a thing would be possible for either or both of you, that would be ideal.

Don't let CIC rush you into marriage when you don't feel ready!

While I would like to have more time in person, the fact is that we just can't afford it. Neither of us have vacation time left at work (and in fact, I've gone way over my allotted time, taking unpaid days) and plane tickets are so pricey. Of course it would be ideal to have longer and more frequent visits, I feel getting married wouldn't be completely inappropriate for our relationship at this time. We know each other better than anyone else and thoroughly enjoy every second we spend together in person.


His parents fully support us. I'm just worried about damaging my relationship with my dad and if there's another way to do this, I'd like to explore it. Looks like that isn't the case though.

 

[Indigo]

In that case, maybe having a really open talk with your dad will be the only solution...

 

[ddobro2]

So your dad has not been the biggest fan of your relationship for the whole 3 years you have been together? May I ask how you two met?

While I totally agree that there's no need to rush into a marriage for immigration reasons, you have to consider the fact that you've been "with" (okay, in a virtual sense) this person for 3 years.....and at some point you have to make a decision about the next step in your relationship.....particularly since this one is long-distance. And by the way, I TOTALLY understand the money issue that factors into this.

I do agree that spending more time together would be a great way to find out about your relationship. Not only that but you have to think about his potential transition to living in Canada should you guys get married and apply for his PR there. As great as Canada is, not everyone wants to move there permanently and that's something to at least consider. In any case, as an American, he can come to Canada and stay for up to 6 months without any papers (they'll stamp his passport at the border, but he should be prepared to show the border agent proof that he has significant ties to his country. How far from each other do you guys live?

I know we definitely don't qualify as conjugal. That was the original plan until we found out that just not having enough money to leave your job doesn't count as a barrier. We could have lived together if one of us was able to leave our jobs, but neither of us can at the moment.

I'm not hesitant about marriage for reasons related to my boyfriend... we are very much in love and definitely do plan on getting married eventually. I'm hesitant because my father is EXTREMELY against it. My boyfriend is older than I am and has very little money and that's a huge issue for my dad (along with the fact that we haven't been together in person for longer than a weekend at a time). I'm very worried about ruining my relationship with my father which is why I'm looking for another possible route to get my boyfriend here.

I know he doesn't qualify for FSW because he's a DJ/delivery driver for a chain restaurant. Neither of those jobs are on the approved skilled workers list

 

[AmericaninQuebec]

Here's an idea, and obviously it may not be ideal for either of you, but why don't you both move to the border area? You can work on the Canadian side, he can work on the American side, and you can see each other more regularly. Then you'll have a chance to see if you really want to get married. Plus, if money is a big issue it won't go away even after you're married and he applies for PR. He still won't be able to work in Canada until after his PR is approved. If you're living close enough to the border though he could continue working on the American side until his PR comes through, and then transition to a job on the Canadian side.

If neither of you lives near the border already this would be a big move for both of you, but if you've been dating for 3 yrs and want to get married eventually then, to me at least, it makes sense as a way to be together while you both keep working in your respective countries.

Anyway, just my 2 cents on the matter.

 

[kandc]

In that case, maybe having a really open talk with your dad will be the only solution...

If only it were that simple... lol. My dad is very stubborn and very against this relationship. He's told me I'd be ruining my life to go through with this so it's very difficult to reason with him.

So your dad has not been the biggest fan of your relationship for the whole 3 years you have been together? May I ask how you two met?

While I totally agree that there's no need to rush into a marriage for immigration reasons, you have to consider the fact that you've been "with" (okay, in a virtual sense) this person for 3 years.....and at some point you have to make a decision about the next step in your relationship.....particularly since this one is long-distance. And by the way, I TOTALLY understand the money issue that factors into this.

I do agree that spending more time together would be a great way to find out about your relationship. Not only that but you have to think about his potential transition to living in Canada should you guys get married and apply for his PR there. As great as Canada is, not everyone wants to move there permanently and that's something to at least consider. In any case, as an American, he can come to Canada and stay for up to 6 months without any papers (they'll stamp his passport at the border, but he should be prepared to show the border agent proof that he has significant ties to his country. How far from each other do you guys live?

I only told my parents about our relationship this year because I knew they would react badly to our meeting online. We met on the Yahoo! Answers site by chance and started talking and our relationship grew from there.

I live in Ontario and he's in Florida so quite a distance, much too far to drive. It would be great if he could live here for 6 months but again, the money thing. We don't want to move him here until he's granted PR so that he can start working right away. I'm only 22, still live with my parents and am still in University. While I have/make enough money to move out and support myself, I wouldn't be able to support the two of us on my salary. Financially we won't be able to live together until he's granted PR and we can both work.

 

[kandc]

Here's an idea, and obviously it may not be ideal for either of you, but why don't you both move to the border area? You can work on the Canadian side, he can work on the American side, and you can see each other more regularly. Then you'll have a chance to see if you really want to get married. Plus, if money is a big issue it won't go away even after you're married and he applies for PR. He still won't be able to work in Canada until after his PR is approved. If you're living close enough to the border though he could continue working on the American side until his PR comes through, and then transition to a job on the Canadian side.

If neither of you lives near the border already this would be a big move for both of you, but if you've been dating for 3 yrs and want to get married eventually then, to me at least, it makes sense as a way to be together while you both keep working in your respective countries.

Anyway, just my 2 cents on the matter.

It's a great suggestion and would make things so much easier if it were a possibility but I'm in university and can't abandon my education.

 

[ddobro2]

Long-distance relationships are really hard to maintain, even when the couple is living in the SAME country, aren't they? I know you say you are quite in love with him but I just remember how I was in college, and I've grown and changed quite a bit even though it wasn't too long ago.....there's nothing wrong with dating around a little bit before you commit to a relationship. I think you need to hear your parents out. They may have very good reasons for why they don't see this guy as a good mate for their daughter. Or they may be prejudging him.....I don't know the situation, obvi. Do not jump into a marriage just to be able to bring him over to Canada unless you know in your heart that he is the one.....living with someone can be a completely different experience than dating them, not to mention that you are dating him from hundreds of miles up north. Best of luck.

If only it were that simple... lol. My dad is very stubborn and very against this relationship. He's told me I'd be ruining my life to go through with this so it's very difficult to reason with him.


I only told my parents about our relationship this year because I knew they would react badly to our meeting online. We met on the Yahoo! Answers site by chance and started talking and our relationship grew from there.

I live in Ontario and he's in Florida so quite a distance, much too far to drive. It would be great if he could live here for 6 months but again, the money thing. We don't want to move him here until he's granted PR so that he can start working right away. I'm only 22, still live with my parents and am still in University. While I have/make enough money to move out and support myself, I wouldn't be able to support the two of us on my salary. Financially we won't be able to live together until he's granted PR and we can both work.

 

[AmericaninQuebec]

It's a great suggestion and would make things so much easier if it were a possibility but I'm in university and can't abandon my education.

Nor should you. I also agree with ddobro2 though, that things can change a lot both after college and once you start living with someone. I personally wouldn't recommend running to marry him just so he could immigrate to Canada. Does he even want to immigrate? I still stand by my suggestion though for him. If he's really serious about being with you, why doesn't he move closer to you than Florida since you say right now he only works doing delivery/djaying? Those are jobs that he should be able to do pretty much anywhere. Sure it might be hard if that means he's leaving friends and family, but that's what he'd be doing if he married you and immigrated to Canada. Before I moved in with my husband (then boyfriend/fiancé) we lived 7 hrs apart by car. We were able to visit each other every 2 or 3 weeks. It still wasn't the same as living together, but it was do-able (stressful, not fun at times, but do-able because we wanted to be together). If he's really serious about being together then I would hope he'd consider moving to be closer to you. If he's not willing to consider it, then maybe he's not willing to immigrate anyway and your concerns about helping him do so are null. :-X

 

[ddobro2]

Exactly. There's a bit of sacrifice that's needed from both sides if this is worth continuing.

Nor should you. I also agree with ddobro2 though, that things can change a lot both after college and once you start living with someone. I personally wouldn't recommend running to marry him just so he could immigrate to Canada. Does he even want to immigrate? I still stand by my suggestion though for him. If he's really serious about being with you, why doesn't he move closer to you than Florida since you say right now he only works doing delivery/djaying? Those are jobs that he should be able to do pretty much anywhere. Sure it might be hard if that means he's leaving friends and family, but that's what he'd be doing if he married you and immigrated to Canada. Before I moved in with my husband (then boyfriend/fiancé) we lived 7 hrs apart by car. We were able to visit each other every 2 or 3 weeks. It still wasn't the same as living together, but it was do-able (stressful, not fun at times, but do-able because we wanted to be together). If he's really serious about being together then I would hope he'd consider moving to be closer to you. If he's not willing to consider it, then maybe he's not willing to immigrate anyway and your concerns about helping him do so are null. :-X